Is the search for belonging more challenging when your deepest identities aren’t shared by your family? Where can people with horizontal identities find the acceptance and understanding they desperately need?
In Far From the Tree, Andrew Solomon explores how the human need for belonging manifests differently depending on whether our core traits are shared with our parents. Finding supportive communities of people with similar experiences becomes essential for developing a positive self-image.
Read more to dive deeper into how connection shapes our identity and why finding “your people” matters more than you might think.
The Human Need for Belonging
In exploring vertical and horizontal identities, Solomon reveals a fundamental principle of human psychology: the basic human need for belonging and acceptance. This need plays out differently for vertical versus horizontal identities. With vertical identities—the traits we share with our families—we naturally find a sense of belonging at home. Our parents understand our experiences firsthand and can guide us through challenges they’ve faced themselves.
But horizontal identities present a unique challenge: When children have traits their parents don’t share, they can feel isolated even within their own families. From a young age, these children must look beyond their immediate family for validation and understanding of crucial aspects of who they are. Solomon explains that, when others reject or fail to understand our differences, we struggle to integrate these aspects into our identity, often developing internalized stigma and low self-esteem.
This is why finding a supportive community becomes especially crucial for people with horizontal identities. When we connect with others who share our experiences—whether it’s other deaf people, other transgender individuals, or other people with autism—we find the understanding our immediate family might not be able to provide. These communities can offer guidance, resources, and coping strategies, along with the crucial message that our differences are valid and valuable. Through these connections, we develop a positive sense of identity that helps us face the challenges of being different.
| How Does Social Stigma Affect Identity? Solomon points out that how well we find acceptance in our community helps determine whether we develop a positive or negative sense of identity. This is especially true for people with horizontal identities that carry social stigma because they often face unique challenges in finding belonging. Researchers have identified three ways stigma can make it harder to feel accepted and to develop a healthy self-image: Minority stress encompasses the unique stressors that groups experience due to their marginalized status, such as discrimination, prejudice, and the need to conceal their identity in certain contexts to avoid negative interactions. Internalized stigma is the result of internalizing negative societal attitudes about one’s identity. Once a person adopts these attitudes as their own, they can lead to feelings of shame, low self-worth, and a devaluation of one’s identity. Rejection sensitivity is the heightened vigilance and reactivity to potential rejection that people with stigmatized identities often develop as a result of repeatedly experiencing prejudice and discrimination when they interact with others. Some works of fiction can help us imagine how social stigma affects our identity. Toni Morrison’s novel The Bluest Eye (1970) describes what happens when social stigma against Blackness and the presence of an unattainable “white standard” in society prevents Black Americans from forming a positive self-identity. The characters in the book internalize societal beauty standards that prioritize whiteness, resulting in self-hatred and a distorted self-perception. Morrison also explores how the denial of basic human desires and relationships during the dehumanization of slavery fractures the ability to develop a stable personal identity, with effects that reverberate long after the end of slavery. Characters such as Pecola internalize racism to such a degree they lose any sense of self-worth, driving them to madness in their pursuit of social acceptance through acquiring stereotypically white traits such as blue eyes. This warps their ability to feel a sense of belonging in their community, build healthy relationships, or pursue their goals in life—concerns that Solomon and other psychologists have cited about the effects of real-life social stigma. |
Feeling a sense of belonging and connectedness with others is critical. Yet because the trait underlying a horizontal identity isn’t shared by a person’s parents, children need to look beyond their immediate family to understand how to navigate life with their unique trait. Solomon explains that we construct our horizontal identities socially: While our identity isn’t determined by others, we need role models and mentors who share our specific difference—for example, other deaf people, other transgender individuals, or other people with dwarfism. These aren’t just any peers, but specifically people who can relate to and guide us through the particular challenges of our horizontal identity.
(Shortform note: Solomon notes that children need to learn from peers who share their experiences, and other psychologists help explain why peer connections are so powerful: In childhood and especially during the teenage years, we have a strong drive to fit in with our social groups and avoid being left out. As we spend time with peers, we naturally adopt their habits and values, becoming more like them in ways that help us bond. Research shows this influence affects almost every part of our lives, from how hard we work in school to how kind we are to others, what we eat, and how we take care of ourselves. Peers even influence how we experience and express our emotions.)
