Do you want your child to be more independent? How can you be an authoritative parent?
In Bad Therapy, Abigail Shrier says modern parenting has become too dependent on experts and interventions. To raise more resilient children, Shrier encourages parents to trust their instincts instead of relying on expert opinions.
Read below to learn how to raise resilient children who don’t need to be coddled.
How Parents Can Nurture Resilient Children
Parents are turning to therapy and medication to handle their children’s behavioral issues instead of learning how to raise resilient children. Depending so heavily on outside help prevents children from developing life skills and forming strong relationships with their parents.
Instead of relying on mental health treatments, Shrier recommends parents be more authoritative instead of coddling their children and letting their children be more independent.
(Shortform note: The idea that parents should follow expert advice to raise their children is called scientific motherhood— the belief that mothering should be guided by scientific supervision and principles. This parenting model gained momentum in the late 19th century when major scientific discoveries, like germ theory, were transforming how people lived their daily lives. The pressure to follow expert advice has historically fallen most heavily on mothers because society has long viewed mothers as responsible for raising successful future citizens. This expectation intensified as childhood development became seen less as a natural process and more as a series of tasks.)
Be a More Authoritative Parent
Shrier encourages parents to adopt a more authoritative parenting style—an approach that combines love with clear rules, high standards, and consistent discipline. She explains that modern parenting has become overly permissive and therapeutic. Parents often treat their children like therapy clients who need constant validation and emotional support. For example, where previous generations might have told a misbehaving child to stop and go to their room, today’s parents engage in lengthy discussions about emotions and offer multiple choices for the child to choose from.
The shift toward this more permissive style of parenting happened as Generation X parents rejected their own upbringing, wanting to avoid the emotional detachment and discipline methods they experienced as kids. However, this gentler parenting style hasn’t produced better outcomes. Shrier argues that despite parents being more present in their children’s lives and accommodating more of their needs, young people are more anxious, depressed, and struggling to launch into adulthood. Children naturally need and want parental authority—when parents fail to provide it, kids look for it elsewhere, so they may even distance themselves from their parents and seek authority from extreme political movements or cults.
For these reasons, Shrier advocates a return to clearer boundaries, consistent consequences, and the understanding that temporary discomfort from discipline helps children develop into capable adults. She cites studies showing that children raised with firm but loving guidance become more successful and emotionally stable than those raised with permissive parenting.
Encourage Independence
Shrier writes that children need time away from adult supervision to develop properly. In the past, kids were given more independence and expected to entertain themselves. Today, parents intervene excessively in their children’s schooling, social lives, and daily activities. For example, they might pick up their child immediately after school, supervise all homework, and plan enriching activities at home. This constant adult supervision actually increases stress and anxiety in children, Shrier argues.
Shrier cites countries like Japan and Israel, which allow young children to regularly navigate public transportation alone and handle responsibilities that American parents would consider dangerous. This independence, she argues, leads to greater emotional stability and fewer mental health issues compared to American youth.
Ultimately, Shrier argues parents should reduce their involvement in children’s lives rather than constantly intervening. She encourages them to step back and allow children to face natural consequences. For instance, instead of emailing teachers about homework, let your children face the natural outcomes of forgetting assignments. Allowing kids to have responsibilities and explore their environment without adult supervision—even if it involves small risks—teaches them to negotiate relationships, solve problems on their own, and build confidence.
