What drives our unconscious behaviors when we face potentially shameful situations? How do our minds protect us from experiencing emotional pain?
In Healing the Shame That Binds You, John Bradshaw asserts that ego defenses are automatic protective mechanisms that shield us from feeling shame. These unconscious behaviors can manifest in various ways, from emotional detachment to addiction, and often operate without our awareness.
Keep reading to understand how these defense mechanisms work and learn to recognize when they’re affecting our daily lives.
Ego Defenses
Bradshaw argues that internalized shame causes us to develop ego defenses. These defenses are behaviors that allow us to ignore or block out situations that might induce shame. Bradshaw says that because our subconscious mind drives us to engage in these behaviors, we often don’t realize we’re doing them, or we don’t realize that they’re abnormal or harmful. Think of ego defenses as an autopilot mode that your brain turns on in certain situations to ensure you avoid experiencing or remembering shame.
(Shortform note: In Principles, Ray Dalio provides some additional information on why this phenomenon occurs. He explains that our ego defenses are associated with our amygdala—the part of the brain that controls the automatic responses that protect us from danger. This is why our ego defenses are able to kick in without us realizing it—our amygdala perceives potential shaming situations as dangerous and deploys shame barriers to protect us from harm.)
#1: Detachment
Bradshaw explains that detachment is a common ego defense that comes in many forms. For instance, you might detach from your feelings so they don’t cause you shame. Or you might detach from your mind or body so that the person experiencing the shameful thoughts or emotions isn’t you—for example, if someone is yelling at you, you might retreat into your head and tune them out so that they’re not yelling at you, they’re just yelling at your body.
(Shortform note: In Daring Greatly, Brown explains that her research found men to be more likely to engage in emotional detachment than women. However, other researchers have found that dissociative disorders like depersonalization—detaching from the mind or body—are more commonly diagnosed among women.)
#2: Altering Your Feelings
Another common ego defense is altering your feelings. According to Bradshaw, one way your brain might alter shameful feelings is by making you perceive them as something more tolerable—for example, if you’re ashamed of having romantic feelings toward someone, you might turn those feelings into curiosity or resentment instead. In a situation where you’re abused, you might alter your feelings by identifying with your abuser—this allows you to avoid the shame of being the victim.
(Shortform note: Using a feeling wheel may help you overcome the habit of altering your feelings. A feeling wheel is a three-tiered chart that helps you identify the specific emotion you’re feeling. The innermost ring starts with six core emotions—sad, mad, scared, joyful, powerful, and peaceful. Each subsequent ring provides six offshoots of each core emotion to help you narrow down more specifically what you’re experiencing. Researchers explain that our emotions more easily control us when we don’t understand them, so being able to specifically identify your feelings may help you gain control before your mind alters them.)
#3: Addiction
One of the most common and detrimental ego defense is addiction. Bradshaw explains that toxic shame is the root cause of all addictions and compulsions, such as substance addiction, food addiction, gambling, and sex addiction. Addiction is a form of detachment and altering your feelings—when you’re engaged in your addiction, you’re able to distract yourself from your shame and the pain it causes you.
(Shortform note: In The Body Keeps the Score, van der Kolk adds that people who’ve endured trauma can even develop addiction to trauma itself. This is because certain stimuli, like emotional pain, alter your body chemistry—when you become accustomed to these stimuli, your body reaches a new chemical balance. Due to homeostasis—your body’s natural drive to maintain stable chemical equilibrium—you continually seek out the same stimuli.)
