This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "The Good Life" by Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.
Like this article? Sign up for a free trial here.
What common patterns in dysfunctional families would you recognize? What can you do personally to improve your relationship with your family?
Each family is unique in its own way, and all of them come with their own problems. As Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz point out in The Good Life, these problems usually arise from negative patterns that get passed down.
Let’s look at how to unlearn these dysfunctional family patterns to improve relational dynamics.
Dysfunctional Family Patterns
Waldinger and Schulz assert that having a positive relationship with the family you grew up in heavily impacts your life. After all, you’ve known these people your whole life, so they provide a type of support that you cannot find anywhere else.
However, Waldinger and Schulz clarify that this doesn’t necessarily mean that you had a happy childhood. The authors acknowledge that our childhoods dramatically impact our ability to maintain healthy relationships—primarily because, as kids, we learn from our families how to handle our emotions. But, as the authors point out, we can also unlearn the dysfunctional family patterns our families taught us and replace them with healthier patterns.
(Shortform note: To unlearn the negative patterns your family taught you, you first need to understand them. This is particularly important if you’re a parent. The authors of The Whole-Brain Child recommend that you reflect on the wounds that produced your parents’ behavior and how their behavior affected you. You’ll thus learn something from your childhood experience and be deliberate about your approach to parenting. If you don’t practice this self-reflection, you risk repeating the negative pattern with your own child.)
According to Waldinger and Schulz, a key step to unlearning these patterns is to be open to the possibility that people will surprise you. In both familial and non-familial relationships, doing this frees you up to perceive when people aren’t behaving as badly as you expect, which can help break down damaging assumptions you learned as a child. This openness is particularly helpful in familial relationships because it encourages us to notice and acknowledge when our family members have undergone personal growth—something most of us struggle to recognize in people we’ve known our whole lives.
For example, say your mother constantly criticized your dad when you were a kid. So as an adult, you develop a negative pattern of regularly criticizing the people you love. One day when you’re grown, you notice that your father bought the wrong brand of milk. But instead of loudly criticizing him, your mother simply puts the milk away. You only noticed this small change because you were open to the possibility that your parents could change. Not only do you reconsider your belief that your mother constantly criticizes her family, but you also reconsider how you behave when your husband messes up—and the next time he does, you remember your mom’s gesture and choose not to criticize him.
| How Your Mindset Affects Your Relationships In Mindset, Carol Dweck argues that people have one of two mindsets when viewing the world. If you have a fixed mindset, you believe that people’s abilities are innate and unchangeable. If you have a growth mindset, you believe that anybody can improve upon the abilities that they’re born with. So if you think your family is incapable of changing, you may have a fixed mindset. This may be true even if you have a growth mindset regarding how people outside your family behave. Dweck explains that people fall into different mindsets in different areas, so you may only have a fixed mindset when dealing with your family. To change your mindset, Dweck recommends that you name your fixed-mindset persona. Then, have an imaginary conversation and argue against it when it pops up—such as by reminding your fixed-mindset persona that people can change when your family behaves differently than you expected. |
Another key to improving your relationships, according to Waldinger and Schulz, is to have regularly set family time to ensure that you continue to connect with each other despite how busy life gets. If you’re all living in the same place, the authors recommend instituting regular family meals. If not, having a regular video meeting can help maintain some connection, too.
(Shortform note: Other experts have alternate suggestions for making the most of your family time. If you all live in the same place, prioritize the activities that both you and your family members value most. For example, your teenager may not care about family dinner but love when you play games together. If you don’t live in the same place, experiment with different video chat formats to make them age appropriate. For example, your toddler will likely stay on the call longer with her aunt if the aunt brings a puppet.)
———End of Preview———
Like what you just read? Read the rest of the world's best book summary and analysis of Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz's "The Good Life" at Shortform.
Here's what you'll find in our full The Good Life summary:
- That the key to a good life has nothing to do with your career or success
- How to evaluate the current quality of your relationships
- How to improve relationships with your friends, partner, family, and coworkers
