What are the top deathbed regrets that people have about themselves? What can you do now to avoid those regrets?
Palliative care nurse Bronnie Ware shared the most common deathbed regrets she heard during her career. Those regrets included not living authentically and not prioritizing happiness.
Here’s what Ware had to say about them, and how to avoid them.
Regrets About Yourself
One type of deathbed regret Ware’s patients commonly expressed was regrets they had about themselves—things they wished they had done differently with respect to how they led their lives and treated themselves. These regrets reveal lessons about living authentically and choosing happiness.
The Regret of Not Living Authentically
Ware writes that the number one regret her clients had was not living an authentic life. Living authentically means acting and making choices based on what you truly want and on the values you believe in. Many of Ware’s patients expressed that they had let the expectations of others dictate how they should live instead of honoring their own dreams and desires.
Ware shares an example from one of her patients named Grace, who had lived according to society’s expectations instead of her own wishes: Despite wanting to travel the world and live free from her husband, she felt pressured to remain in an unhappy marriage. When her husband had to move into a nursing home and Grace finally gained freedom, she fell ill with a terminal illness. In her final moments, she regretted not having found the courage to live the way she wanted to sooner.
Find the Courage to Be Yourself
Ware writes that to live authentically, you must find the courage to let go of others’ expectations. Fear of judgment and ridicule can push you to hide or suppress your desires and even your identity to conform to the norm or to please others. Ware experienced this struggle herself, staying in unfulfilling banking roles for a decade because she was afraid of facing disapproval from her family. However, Ware argues that when you let this fear control your choices, you’ll almost inevitably have regrets at the end of your life.
Let go of others’ expectations by recognizing that they don’t matter in the end. Ware’s patients found that in their final moments, the opinions of others were meaningless.
The Regret of Neglecting Happiness
According to Ware, the second self-focused regret that people have at the end of their lives is not pursuing more happiness. She explains that many people postpone their happiness by tying it to future events, such as getting a better job or living arrangement. For example, you may think you’ll finally be happy once you buy a house or move out of your hometown. But Ware argues that happiness is a state you can create now, not something to unlock in the future. Waiting for external situations beyond your control to make you happy only delays joy.
Ware notes that some people don’t let themselves be happy because they feel undeserving or believe happiness must be earned. However, happiness isn’t a luxury or a limited resource—it’s freely available to everyone. Recognize that you deserve happiness, let go of limiting beliefs, and give yourself permission to be happy.
Choose Happiness
In her discussions with a client named Lenny, Ware learned that happiness is, to some degree, a choice. Despite losing his wife and three of his children, Lenny felt content with his life because he gave and received love freely. In doing so, he could look back on a life well lived.
Ware argues that people often overlook chances to feel happy, and she encourages you to make conscious choices to be happier. This doesn’t mean forcing yourself to be happy when things are hard, but understanding that you have control over your focus. You can choose to dwell less on bad things and more on good things. Make small choices to notice things to be grateful for or find things that can make you smile, even when times are hard. For example, you could save funny YouTube videos that always make you laugh and watch them when you’re stressed.
