This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "Not Nice" by Aziz Gazipura. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.
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What does it mean to be nice? Is it important to be nice to others?
According to Not Nice by Aziz Gazipura, we’re raised to believe that it’s important to be nice. Parents, teachers, and other adults consistently remind children to be polite and follow the rules, but Gazipura claims it’s not about being good at all.
Keep reading to learn the true reason why people act nice.
The True Meaning of Being Nice
While the reasons to be nice are well-intentioned, young people often inadvertently learn that anything that doesn’t meet adult expectations of niceness is bad. They become afraid of doing anything that displeases people in their lives, whether that be openly disagreeing with them or being too loud. We carry these lessons with us into adulthood, holding on to the belief that being nice is the equivalent of being good.
(Shortform note: Behavioral expectations can vary by gender, with girls more often raised to be nice. For instance, girls are often encouraged to be kind and helpful, while boys are commonly commended for being strong and independent. This expectation of being nice persists as girls mature: A 2017 Pew Research Study revealed that Americans deemed nurturing and empathy the most crucial qualities for women, whereas they prioritized honesty, morality, and professional success for men.)
So, what does it mean to be nice? According to Gazipura, being nice isn’t about being good at all. He explains that niceness doesn’t stem from our desire to take care of others or be kind but from a fear of rejection. Niceness is simply a set of rules we believe are necessary to earn affection and avoid rejection. (Shortform note: Evolutionary psychology suggests the fear of rejection isn’t a personality flaw but an innate human trait. Throughout much of human history, social exclusion could mean death. As a result, socially acceptable behaviors, such as being nice, weren’t just strategic ways to ensure inclusion, earn affection, and avoid rejection—they were an evolutionary imperative.)
What Does Nice Look Like?
In this section, we’ll explain what nice looks like in action and the rules people believe they have to follow to be nice.
According to Gazipura, the rules of niceness are simple:
- Don’t do anything that will make people dislike you.
- Don’t hurt anyone’s feelings.
- Don’t get angry or make anyone else angry.
(Shortform note: The notion of what constitutes nice is deeply embedded in cultural norms and practices, which discourages a shared universal definition of what it means to be nice. That being said, Gazipura’s rules transcend cultural specificity because instead of focusing on specific behaviors, the rules he highlights emphasize the importance of not triggering any negative emotions in others, regardless of the behavior.)
Gazipura says that in an effort to follow the rules, nice people often exhibit the following qualities: the need to be liked, amplified guilt, and a fear of conflict.
Quality #1: The Need to Be Liked
The first quality of niceness is the need to be liked. Gazipura acknowledges that everyone likes to be liked, but if the desire to be liked becomes a need, then you begin to make decisions based on how you imagine others will respond or react to you. Gazipura calls this type of behavior “approval-seeking,” but it’s more commonly known as “people pleasing.” People pleasers try to avoid judgment and disapproval at all costs and will only do things they imagine will invite a positive response.
(Shortform note: Not everyone agrees that trying to be liked is a problem. Norman Vincent Peale, author of The Power of Positive Thinking, explains that being liked is key to professional and personal success. He encourages people to become what he calls a “comfortable person,” someone whom it’s easy for other people to be around. Peale describes being liked as a skill you can practice starting with self-awareness. If people don’t like you, he suggests looking inward to examine your less-than-attractive personality traits.)
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Here's what you'll find in our full Not Nice summary:
- Why there's a cultural fixation on niceness
- How individuals and society would benefit from being less nice
- How to break free from the people-pleasing trap and empower yourself
