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What’s the key to making relationships last? What are the eight dates you should go on with your partner?
While there’s no guarantee of happily ever after, the authors of Eight Dates argue that there’s a secret to a healthy, long-lasting relationship—make time for your partner and stay curious. They also explain why weekly dates are important for sustaining a strong relationship.
Read below for a brief Eight Dates book overview.
A Breakdown of Eight Dates
The Eight Dates book is a resource for building a stronger relationship with your partner by committing to always learning about who they are and who they’re becoming, starting with eight powerful dates.
Eight Dates is co-authored by couples John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman, and Doug Abrams and Rachel Carlton Abrams. John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman are best known for their work as founders of The Gottman Institute, a research and therapy center focused on strengthening relationships and preventing divorce. Their research inspired them to develop The Gottman Method, a widely used approach to relationship counseling. The couple has written multiple books together, including The Love Prescription, 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, and And Baby Makes Three.
Rachel Carlton Abrams, a physician and the author of BodyWise, is best known for her work in integrative women’s health and sexuality. Her husband, Douglas Abrams, is an author, editor, and founder of the literacy agency Idea Architects; he has co-authored several books with notable personalities, including The Book of Joy, written in collaboration with His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu, and The Book of Hope, written with Jane Goodall.
The Secret to a Long and Loving Relationship: Never Stop Dating
There’s no magic equation of compatibility that guarantees that you and your partner will stay together. However, the authors argue that there’s a tried and true way to make sure your relationship grows stronger over time. Relationships last when both people support the evolution and growth of their partner, as individuals and as a couple. The authors argue that to support each other’s growth, you and your partner need to set aside time to continue learning about each other through intentional conversation and open-ended questions.
While there are many ways to learn about your partner, the authors advocate for the power of a weekly date night. They define a date as a designated time that you get together with your partner to connect, talk, and learn more about one another (watching Netflix on the couch together doesn’t count).
Prioritize Date Night
When your life is busy with work, family, and daily logistics, date nights often feel like a luxury. According to the authors, the most common barriers couples cite are money, child care, and time.
If money feels like a barrier, remember that date nights don’t need to be expensive. The authors suggest getting creative and brainstorming free and low-cost date options, like meeting up at a cafe, taking a walk in a park, or even snuggling up on the couch at home. You just need a place where you’re able to focus on each other.
If you have children, you can explore out-of-the-box and inexpensive child care options. For example, find a group of families willing to take turns babysitting each other’s kids, ask a trusted friend or family member to babysit, or just have a date night at home after the kids are in bed.
Finally, the authors acknowledge that many people already feel like there aren’t enough hours in the day. But the authors emphasize that people make time for the things that matter most to them. So if your relationship is on that list, they strongly suggest prioritizing a weekly date night no matter what.
Listen With Curiosity
Once you’ve set aside time for date night, make sure you use this time to learn more about your partner. The authors argue that learning more about your partner will depend on your ability to listen effectively. The goal of listening should be to better understand the other person.
Here are some strategies you can use to make sure you’re listening to learn:
Pay attention. First, put away your phone and other distractions. Stay present in the conversation. Then fully listen to what your partner is saying without judgment.
Remain curious. If you don’t understand something, ask more questions.
Reflect back what you hear your partner say. Repeating back what you hear lets your partner know that you understood them correctly.
Stay connected. If the conversation gets tense or challenging, find other ways to connect. Express empathy for your partner’s experience and stay connected with physical touch.
The Eight Essential Conversations
After committing to make time to learn more about your partner on a weekly date night, where do you start and what should you talk about?
The authors outline eight conversations that they say every couple must have; topics range from sex to finances to personal aspirations. These eight conversations won’t only lay a strong foundation for your relationship—they’ll also allow you to address common sources of conflict.
The authors structure these conversations as eight possible dates, outlining the purpose of the date and offering suggestions on where to go and questions to guide the conversation. In the following sections, we’ll explore the theme of each date, explain why it’s important, and provide a few date ideas to spark inspiration.
Date One: Trust
Trust is foundational to a long-lasting relationship. The authors define trust as the conviction that your partner values you and will be there to support you. The goal of this date is to understand your partner’s beliefs about trust and discuss how you can deepen trust in your relationship.
There are a number of ways you can build—or break—trust in your relationship. The authors argue you can build trust by being vulnerable with your partner, remaining faithful, addressing conflict, offering compassion, and expressing gratitude for your partner. You break trust when you fail to show affection, follow through, tell the truth, or be available when your partner needs you.
Use the following questions to help guide your conversation:
- What did you learn about trust growing up? How do you define trust now?
- Where do we agree on issues of trust? Where do we disagree?
- How can we strengthen trust in our relationship? What do you need from me?
Date Two: Disagreements
The next date is about disagreements. The authors emphasize that disagreements in a relationship are normal. In fact, when you know how to manage disagreements effectively, it can even strengthen your relationship. The goal of this date is to learn how your partner manages disagreements and how you can manage disagreements more effectively as a couple.
The authors differentiate between two types of problems that cause tension in a relationship. The first type of problem are those that can be resolved. These are often surface-level problems about what to eat for dinner or who should walk the dog. They’re only about the topic at hand and don’t hide any bigger underlying issues. The second type of problem are ones that will never be resolved (what the authors call “perpetual problems”). These problems are rooted in core differences between you and your partner based on your values or life experiences. Research has shown that most conflicts fall into this second category.
Regardless of the type of disagreement you’re having, the key to a healthy relationship isn’t avoiding conflicts but resolving them effectively, meaning you approach each disagreement as an opportunity to increase your understanding of the other person—not as an opportunity to win.
Use the following questions to help guide your conversation:
- What did you learn about conflict or managing conflict growing up? How have you navigated conflict in the past?
- What are your beliefs about anger? What do you need when you’re feeling angry?
- How would you like to manage conflict differently in the future?
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Here's what you'll find in our full Eight Dates summary:
- The secret to a strong, long-lasting relationship
- Why you and your partner need to make time for weekly dates
- The eight powerful dates and conversations to have at the start of a relationship
