Do you feel trapped in a life that doesn’t reflect who you truly are? What’s Best Self by Mike Bayar about?
In Best Self, Mike Bayar reveals the connection between living authentically and achieving your dreams. His approach shows how reconnecting with your true nature can transform your life from one of frustration to one of genuine fulfillment.
Read below for our brief overview of Best Self.
Overview of Best Self
Do you ever feel like there’s a gap between who you are and who you aspire to be? Do you often behave in ways that prevent you from living the life you want?
In Best Self, Mike Bayer, life coach and creator of The Cast Foundation, explains that this disconnect occurs when you lose touch with your true self: who you really are at your core. He argues that reconnecting with your true self—which fosters positive feelings and drives you to effortlessly behave in alignment with your ideal life—will close the gap between who you are and who you want to be.
Part 1: Your True Self Is Your Ideal Self
According to Bayer, being true to yourself is key to becoming the person you aspire to be. He explains that your true self encapsulates your core values and deepest passions, which form the very foundation of your ideal life. By embracing and living in alignment with your true self, you’ll naturally embody the person you want to be and gain the freedom and confidence to pursue what truly fulfills you.
What Prevents You From Being True to Yourself?
Why is it often so difficult to live in alignment with your true self if it’s so beneficial to do so? According to Bayer, from a very young age, you’ve been conditioned to suppress your true self in favor of social acceptance. He explains that throughout your life, you’ve been influenced by the beliefs, behaviors, and expectations of your family, peers, and the media you’ve been exposed to. You learned early on that you gain social acceptance and approval from conforming to a certain way of thinking and behaving—and that straying from the norm often results in negative consequences such as rejection or disapproval.
Since the negative consequences of being socially unacceptable felt unpleasant and painful, your younger self unconsciously chose to override your innate desires and inclinations to keep your true self hidden and maintain a sense of social belonging. Over time, as you repeatedly ignored your true nature, you became increasingly disconnected from it. As a result, you might not even fully recognize or know who you really are anymore.
How Misalignment With Your True Self Fosters Dissatisfaction
According to Bayer, when you don’t have a strong connection to your core values and passions, you miss out on the internal cues that guide you to make choices aligned with your true self. This lack of guidance leads you to make misaligned choices, whose results leave you feeling dissatisfied and unfulfilled. For example, you might choose a career that feels meaningless or engage in relationships with incompatible partners.
While the obvious fix for alleviating this discomfort is to reconnect with your true self, Bayer points out that most people don’t realize that this is an option—years of making misaligned choices cause you to forget that you even have a true self to reconnect with. Instead, you develop unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as harmful or unproductive habits, to numb your discomfort.Bayer argues that the problem with relying on such coping mechanisms is that they only reinforce your disconnection from your true self: The more you rely on them to alleviate your discomfort, the more you fail to address the root cause of your dissatisfaction, which then fuels an even greater sense of dissatisfaction and disappointment. This creates a downward spiral that becomes increasingly difficult to break free from.
Part 2: How to Be Your True Self and Live the Life You Want
We’ve just explained how being disconnected from your true self fuels feelings of dissatisfaction and disappointment. Now, we’ll explore how to rediscover and reconnect with your true self—allowing you to break free from unhealthy coping mechanisms and enjoy a more authentic, satisfying life. In this section, we’ll discuss Bayer’s advice as a three-step process:
- Evaluate your life.
- Personify your aligned and misaligned selves.
- Set goals that align with your true self.
Step #1: Evaluate Your Life
The first step toward reconnecting with your true self is to evaluate your satisfaction with different aspects of your life. Bayer explains that you’re likely more true to yourself in some parts of life than in others. You can tell how connected you are to your true self in each area by examining how comfortable you feel in it . Some areas may feel positive and rewarding—these bright spots signal where you’re able to truly be yourself and provide clues about your core values and passions. Other areas may create a sense of discomfort or dissatisfaction—these problem zones indicate that you’re living in a way that doesn’t reflect who you really are.
Examining the different parts of your life will help you pinpoint the specific areas where you’re behaving in alignment with your true self—and where you’ve become disconnected. Bayer recommends evaluating six key life areas: your relationship with yourself, your relationships with others, your physical health, your knowledge and skill development, your career, and your faith.
Life Area #1: Relationship With Yourself
According to Bayer, your relationship with yourself is foundational, as it shapes your inner dialogue, self-care practices, and overall sense of self-worth. When you’re living in harmony with your true self, you likely feel self-compassionate, self-confident, and at peace with who you are. On the other hand, if you’ve lost touch with your true self, you may engage in harsh self-criticism and neglect your emotional and physical needs.
Life Area #2: Relationships With Others
Bayer says that the quality of your connections with family, friends, and romantic partners provides strong clues about your level of alignment with your true self. If your interactions feel genuine, fulfilling, and mutually beneficial, you likely feel comfortable enough to be the real you around others. However, if you tend to mask your emotions and desires, struggle with intimacy, or sabotage your relationships, you’re probably spending time with people who don’t support your true nature.
Life Area #3: Physical Health
Bayer explains that paying attention to how you treat your body can reveal a lot about your current level of self-connection. If you’re in alignment with your true self, you likely have healthy habits, high energy levels, and an overall sense of well-being. On the other hand, if you’re out of alignment with your true self, you might neglect your physical needs and engage in behaviors that undermine your health.
Life Area #4: Knowledge and Skill Development
Bayer suggests that your true self is naturally curious and loves to learn new things—if you’re in alignment with it, you’ll feel energized and inspired by opportunities to develop your innermost passions and talents. However, if you’re disconnected from it, you might feel apathetic or overly comfortable with the status quo, which leads you to avoid challenges that could help you evolve.
Life Area #5: Career
According to Bayer, when your work aligns with your core values, interests, and innate talents, you’ll feel a sense of purpose and get genuine enjoyment from your day-to-day responsibilities. On the other hand, if your job doesn’t align with who you really are, you’re liable to feel bored, drained, and aimless.
Life Area #6: Faith
Bayer argues that, for many people, a sense of connection to something greater than themselves is a core part of their true nature—therefore, living with faith strengthens your alignment with your true self and infuses your life with peace and inner guidance. However, if you’ve lost touch with this transcendent part of who you are, you may feel lost or cynical about life’s deeper meaning.
Step #2: Personify Your Aligned and Misaligned Selves
After evaluating how you feel in all areas of your life, you’ll have two key pieces of information. First, you’ll have a clear idea of where you’re acting in alignment with your true self and where you’ve become disconnected. Second, you’ll be aware of how you behave when you’re being true to yourself—and how you behave when you’re not.
For example, if you noticed that you communicate confidently and openly when interacting with certain groups of friends but become defensive and withdrawn around other friends, you’ve identified distinct behavioral patterns that can clue you in to whether you’re aligned or misaligned, and what types of people bring out these behaviors in you.
How to Increase Awareness of Automatic Behaviors
Bayer recommends making two separate lists: one of your aligned behaviors and one of your misaligned behaviors. Then, use each list to create two distinct characters that represent your aligned self and your misaligned self. Make these characters as detailed and vivid as you can—for instance, give each of them a name, a distinct physical appearance, a specific dialect, and a set of unique personality traits.
For example, you might create a character named Sunshine to represent the part of you that communicates confidently. You describe Sunshine as a tall, graceful character who speaks clearly and warmly. The character who represents the part of you that becomes defensive—named Hedgehog—is a small, hunched character who mutters and avoids eye contact.
Bayer explains the power of creating these characters: Up until now, he says, you’ve likely been behaving automatically, reacting to situations without conscious thought. (For example, when you’re in an uncomfortable social situation, you instinctively start to retreat without considering if there’s another way to respond.) Personifying your behaviors with detailed characters makes it easier to recognize which “self” is in control. This awareness makes it much harder to ignore when you’re acting out of alignment, giving you a chance to interrupt and reflect on your automatic behavior.
For example, the next time you experience discomfort at a social gathering and feel the urge to retreat, you recognize that Hedgehog has taken control of your behaviors. You take a step back from the situation and consider whether you really want to withdraw from it.
Step #3: Set Goals That Align With Your True Self
Finally, you’ll use your aligned and misaligned characters—and your increased awareness of your behaviors—to set goals that reflect your core values and passions. Following through with these goals will help you bridge the gap between who you are now and your true self, moving you toward a life that feels more meaningful and fulfilling.
How to Set Aligned Goals
Bayer suggests setting goals by asking your aligned character how they want to show up and what they want to experience in all six life areas: relationship with yourself, relationships with others, physical health, knowledge and skills, career, and faith.
Bayer explains why your aligned character is the best place to look for goal-setting advice. This character is both a representation of who you really are and of what your ideal life looks like. Exploring what this character wants from life and what they’d do if they were in control of your behaviors will help you figure out goals that both complement who you are and move you closer to what you want.
How to Follow Through on Your Goals
Bayer suggests that you’re more likely to follow through with your goals, live in alignment with who you are, and move toward living your ideal life if you adopt four goal-setting approaches:
1) Focus on what you can control so you can take direct action rather than getting derailed by factors outside your control. For example, if your goal is to overcome your tendency to withdraw from uncomfortable conversations with your partner, focus on improving your ability to express your feelings openly rather than trying to control your partner’s reactions.
2) Set clearly defined, time-bound goals so you know exactly what you’re working toward and can measure your progress. For example, you might set the goal of broaching a specific, contentious topic with your partner by the end of the month.
3) Break goals into small steps to help you focus on what you need to do to make progress. For example, clarify your thoughts about the topic on paper or practice expressing your feelings in front of a mirror to shore up your confidence ahead of the discussion.
4) Enlist support from others who can hold you accountable and provide encouragement as you work toward your goals. For example, ask a trusted friend to do a practice run-through of the conversation with you and ask for their feedback and advice.
