This article gives you a glimpse of what you can learn with Shortform. Shortform has the world’s best guides to 1000+ nonfiction books, plus other resources to help you accelerate your learning.
Want to learn faster and get smarter? Sign up for a free trial here .
Are you having trouble connecting with your child? What’s the best way to have effective communication with children?
One of the most crucial parts of parenting is verbal and nonverbal communication. Every parent has to talk to their kids to show them love and to discipline them, teaching them right from wrong.
Below we’ve compiled advice for effective communication with children so important things don’t get lost in translation.
Expressing Love to Your Child
People express love in different ways, but children need to be told they’re loved. If they don’t hear it, they won’t believe it. Here, you’ll learn how to show your kids they’re cherished by delivering empowering praise, showing kindness, and communicating unconditional acceptance.
Deliver Empowering Praise
In How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish explain that giving empowering praise is a great way to start effectively communicating with your children. They emphasize praise for several reasons. First, praising your child is something proactive that parents can do at any time. Also, it ensures you’re communicating not just about problems that need to be addressed but also about what you’re proud of. Finally, it’s a powerful way to encourage positive behavior.
To deliver effective praise, though, Faber and Mazlish say you must first understand what not to do when delivering praise. As they learned from the child psychologist Haim Ginott, praise is like emotional medicine and should be administered carefully and intentionally. When your children ask you if their scribbled drawing is “good,” you may reply, “Yes! It’s great!” But this kind of praise doesn’t sound authentic to kids, because it’s too vague and doesn’t show that you’re paying attention and appreciating what they’ve done, according to the authors.
Now, here’s what Faber and Mazlish recommend instead.
Use Descriptive Praise
The authors recommend descriptive praise to communicate with children, which means specifically and enthusiastically describing what you see in their drawing, such as the shapes and colors. Your children will appreciate that you’re paying attention. Descriptive praise also makes children aware of their strengths and builds their self-esteem.
For example, if you compliment a child specifically for how neatly they made their bed or how imaginatively they completed a writing assignment, they might chime in, “Yeah! See how I folded down the top of the blanket? I was being really careful,” or “I really thought about what would happen if hippos went into space!” When they understand what was praiseworthy about their actions, they’ll be better able to repeat those actions in the future.
Find a Positive Label
In addition to specifically describing the positives, Faber and Mazlish say you should give your child the language for the qualities you’d like to see them develop. For example, notice when a child is trying hard to complete a task and tell them they’re really showing perseverance, determination, or working hard. If they stand by a friend who’s being teased, tell them they showed friendship, loyalty, or courage.
Faber and Mazlish explain that praising your children proactively shows children that you see their good points as well as their flaws. It makes them more receptive to you during more difficult times when they’re experiencing negative emotions.
Show Kindness to Your Child
When we want to express love, the only place we can come from is one of kindness. According to The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, kindness means showing consideration, respect, and warmth toward others. Phrases that are amicable or show affection, such as “You’re a loving person,” “You bring so much joy to my life,” or “The way you are is wonderful,” go a long way in making your child feel special and respected.
By its nature, love is a positive feeling. Love is not inherently cruel or mean. In fact, it’s the opposite. Being kind through verbal communication is a tremendous way to give love to someone. Using kind language is a choice and must be sincere.
Tone Matters
The tone of the words is as important as the words themselves. People pay more attention to tone than words, so the tone must match the sentiment. You can say, “You’re great at drawing,” but, if the tone is snarky or sarcastic, the words carry a different meaning.
When said disingenuously, kind words can express contempt. When said sincerely, kind words express love. When you speak to communicate and heal, you’re expressing love through your decision to approach your child with kindness. That effort is love and will be experienced as such. Likewise, when your child approaches you with kindness, understand that their choice to do so stems from love.
Communicate Unconditional Acceptance
Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn emphasizes that unconditional parenting isn’t about the message you think you’re sending—it’s about the message the child is receiving. The fact that you love your child unconditionally is less important than how they feel. This doesn’t mean that you see everything your child does as perfect—but it does mean that, no matter what he does, your highest priority should always be creating an emotionally safe environment. Body language, facial expressions, and gestures are key here.
Kohn points out that parents who are good at communicating unconditional love and acceptance in normal circumstances often fall into situations of conflict, where it’s more important, not less, to make the child feel emotionally safe.
Disciplining Your Child Through Communication
Discipline is one of the toughest things to get right as a parent. There’s an abundance of advice online and in books about discipline that’s sometimes contradictory. To minimize confusion, we’ve searched high and low for the best tips for communicating with children when you’re disciplining them.
Get Your Child’s Perspective
In The Explosive Child, Ross Greene says that a common component of a child’s outburst is a practical challenge: A child has trouble with something practical, like doing a specific task or following a specific rule. Communicating with children about practical challenges starts with talking about the cause of outbursts or conflicts. Your goal in these conversations is to understand your child’s perspective on their actions. Greene acknowledges this isn’t always an easy process—kids often don’t fully understand their own feelings, and they might resist talking about their behavior. But, by approaching your child openly and working with them, you’ll eventually discover the causes of their outbursts.
Greene offers two guidelines for communicating with children in these contexts:
1. Ask Specific Questions
Greene explains that your questioning throughout the discussion should focus on the specific circumstances behind practical challenges—allowing you to change or avoid these circumstances later on, preventing outbursts. To do this, ask your child a lot of what, who, where, and when questions, like What is challenging or frustrating? Who makes you upset? Where and when do you tend to get upset? What were you thinking about in the moments leading to the outburst? For example, Liz’s dad asks what Liz doesn’t like about getting up in the morning or when she finds it easier or harder to get up.
2. Practice Active Listening
While getting your child’s perspective, you’ll want to keep your child as open and communicative as possible so they feel comfortable talking with you. To this end, Greene suggests you actively listen to your child, making them the focus of the conversation. He offers several conversational dos and don’ts for active listening:
- Do repeat your child’s answers back to them to make sure you understand them correctly.
- Do ask clarifying questions like “What do you mean?” or “How so?” when you don’t understand something.
- Don’t bring up problem behaviors, as doing so might make your child defensive and closed off.
- Don’t guess what your child is feeling or why they acted a certain way—you don’t want to speak over them and deprive them of an opportunity to explain themself.
- Don’t offer solutions yet.
Give Children Autonomy
Giving your child a level of autonomy that’s developmentally appropriate will make them feel empowered in the relationship, create a smoother give-and-take relationship, and make your child more cooperative.
Showing that you empathize with their feelings sets the stage for cooperation. To build on that, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk suggests approaches that depersonalize the conflict so it’s no longer a war between you and your child but a cooperative endeavor instead.
Gaining children’s cooperation is key because parents have to stop their children from doing so many things—putting Barbie shoes up their noses, riding the dog—and this can make you seem like an enemy. When you get locked in a power struggle with your child, no one wins.
Faber and Mazlish recommend that you focus not on your authority but on solving the problem that needs solving. When you focus on solutions, your child may be able to suggest some creative approaches you haven’t thought of. By allowing them to come up with ways of addressing the problems they face, you’re also fostering their autonomy.
To get off on the right foot, here’s what not to do if you’re trying to get a child to cooperate, according to the authors. Don’t blame or accuse your children of negative traits, like being messy or clumsy or never listening. Don’t threaten them, use sarcasm, issue commands, lecture them at length, or compare them to others.
Now, here’s what Faber and Mazlish say you should do instead:
- Neutrally communicate facts. You may feel like telling your child, “You always make a mess! I’m tired of it. Do you live in a barn?” But if you’re angry, your child may automatically get defensive and argumentative in response. This pits you against your child. A better approach is to calmly observe: “I see muddy boots on the living room floor.” When you point out an issue, your child has a chance to suggest a solution, which is an excellent skill to learn, and your conversation remains focused on the problem and how to address it.
- Equip your child with the knowledge they need to make the right decision. For example, if they’re trying to give the dog their snack, tell them, “If you feed a dog chocolate, they might get sick.” Then they can draw their own conclusion: “I’d better not feed the dog chocolate.” If they realize what the right thing to do is, they’re more likely to do it.
- Offer two options that you find acceptable—for instance, suggest your child wear either the red or blue pajamas, and let them choose. This can feel empowering to them because they enjoy selecting an option, and they feel that you value their input.
- Don’t pepper your child with questions; the more you speak, the less room they have to think or respond. Instead of a lecture, call attention to a task with one word. “Teeth!” “Groceries!” Let children figure out what the problem is and how they can solve it.
- Instead of nagging your children, the authors suggest writing a note reminding them to hang up their wet jackets or put the toilet seat down. Notes on paper can seem more authoritative to children than spoken reminders. If your kids are always raiding the kitchen, you could put up a sign saying “Pantry Closed” after their snack. The authors encourage whimsical approaches, like a note written from the point of view of a towel that says, “Don’t leave me on the floor! Hang me up on the hook on the door!”
- Let your children know how their actions affect you. You can tell them, “I don’t like being poked when you’re trying to get my attention. Please use words.” If you’re feeling tired or frustrated, you can share these feelings with them in a memorable way—for instance, say something like, “My patience is the size of a tiny mouse.” In better times, you can tell them, “My patience is as big as an elephant.”
Remember That Discipline Is Teaching
Teaching involves setting and reinforcing firm boundaries—in other words, teaching children what behavior is and isn’t okay—but doing so in a loving way that prioritizes your connection with your child.
According to No-Drama Discipline, also by Siegel and Bryson, teaching—when done well—leads to three positive outcomes for kids: increased understanding of their own emotional reactions, empathy for others, and experience with making amends and repairing relationships.
Strategies for Teaching
Here are four strategies Siegel and Bryson recommend for communicating with children about how to behave appropriately and follow the rules:
- Start by noticing, not criticizing. Instead of jumping straight to criticism when your child misbehaves, the authors recommend you start by describing what you see and asking your child to explain it to you. For example, if you see gum in your preschooler’s hair, you might say, “I see gum in your hair; how did that happen?” instead of yelling, “What did you do to your hair?!” This strategy directs children’s attention to their missteps without making them feel attacked.
- Explain why it’s bad behavior. Your child needs to know why their behavior was inappropriate. When your child understands why their behavior was wrong, they’ll experience natural feelings of guilt and regret. Those are uncomfortable feelings, and, when that discomfort is paired with misbehaving, kids will naturally learn to avoid misbehavior so they can avoid feeling bad.
- Create a dialogue. Siegel and Bryson advise asking them to help you come up with a solution. This gives them practice in understanding the consequences of their behavior and coming up with solutions. They’ll also feel more respected throughout the process if they know you value their input—even if they don’t like your ultimate decision.
- Try a conditional “yes.” Instead of responding with a hard “no” when your child asks for something, the authors recommend saying “yes”—but on your terms. For example, if your child wants to wear their astronaut costume to school, you might say, “Yes, you can wear your costume when you get home this afternoon” instead of an outright “No.” Hearing a flat “no” tends to frustrate children, so using a conditional yes instead can help avoid drama.
Final Words
Positive communication with children results in a healthy relationship between you and your kid. As they grow older and navigate through life’s ups and downs, they won’t be afraid to come to you to work out their troubles because they can trust you to listen and understand their perspective. Essentially, you’re preparing them to manage their emotions effectively and build meaningful relationships with others.
Do you agree with our advice on communicating with children? Let us know in the comments below!
Want to fast-track your learning? With Shortform, you’ll gain insights you won't find anywhere else .
Here's what you’ll get when you sign up for Shortform :
- Complicated ideas explained in simple and concise ways
- Smart analysis that connects what you’re reading to other key concepts
- Writing with zero fluff because we know how important your time is
