This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "The Asshole Survival Guide" by Robert I. Sutton. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.
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Is someone in your life a jerk? Do you wish you could neutralize the impact they have on you?
When interaction with a jerk is inevitable, you can lessen the jerk’s power over your mental state by changing your mindset. Using cognitive reframing techniques, you can protect yourself from the negative effects of their behavior, even if you’re frequently exposed.
Keep reading to learn these techniques and reduce people’s power over you.
Cognitive Reframing Techniques
The cognitive behavioral technique of reframing is reworking a negative thought and into something more neutral or positive. Cognitive reframing is based on the psychological premise that your thoughts dictate how you feel and act. If you can change your thoughts about a situation—like a jerk’s rude behavior—then you can change how you respond.
Let’s look at two cognitive reframing techniques you can use with the jerks in your life.
| Further Steps for Cognitive Reframing and Advice for People-Pleasers There are two steps to reframing before you can change a thought: noticing an unhelpful thought and pausing to evaluate its value or truthfulness. Noticing unhelpful thoughts can be difficult, as they’re usually automatic. Look for patterns such as focusing only on the bad parts of a situation or always assuming the worst will happen. While evaluating a thought for its usefulness, ask yourself if there’s any evidence to support it. Is it the most helpful, productive way to think about the situation? Once you go through these steps, you can start to change the thought. If you’re a people pleaser, you may struggle to protect your mental health more than the average person when forced to work with a jerk, and reframing might not be enough. Common signs of people-pleasing behavior include ignoring your feelings to avoid conflict when something upsets you and always saying yes when others ask for help (even if you don’t actually have time). These tendencies leave you more susceptible to burnout because you learn to ignore your needs and goals. If this sounds like you, you must set boundaries at work in addition to reframing, or jerks will continue to take from you until you have nothing left to give. Every time someone asks you for something, pause and resist the immediate urge to say yes. Consider whether you truly need to accept the task. If not, say no to protect your higher priorities. |
Technique #1: Focus on What You Can Learn
Sutton offers several strategies for reframing jerk behavior so it mentally affects you less. First, try focusing on anything you might gain from your interactions with the jerk. Is there a bright side to the situation you can find? If you can find a positive element, it can help you look back at a situation and feel better about it or get through a long-term connection with a rude, disrespectful person.
For example, maybe your boss seems nice at first but turns out to be emotionally manipulative and narcissistic with poor personal boundaries. The bright side of that situation might be that your experience with this boss taught you the warning signs of narcissistic, abusive behavior. Therefore, you can more easily avoid working with similar people in the future.
Technique #2: Find a Way to Empathize
Alternatively, you might try finding a way to empathize with the jerk so you can eventually forgive them. Research shows that forgiveness benefits the person who was hurt because it allows them to move on from the situation. Forgiving thoughts can lessen the physiological stress response and alleviate sadness and anger. This doesn’t mean accepting or excusing the jerk’s behavior—it just means letting go of your resentment toward it, which only hurts you.
For example, say your fellow supervisor frequently yells at her employees, and this causes morale problems among the staff. Your higher-ups won’t do anything about it, so you have to continue working with her. Instead of developing a simmering resentment toward her, you try to empathize with the fact that she felt she had to become aggressive to work her way up through the company, even if she’s misguided. This allows you to forgive (though not excuse) her shortcomings and work with her productively.
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Here's what you'll find in our full The Asshole Survival Guide summary:
- Wisdom for dealing with jerks in the workplace
- How to take away a jerk's power and lessen their effect on you
- The psychology behind rude and mean behavior
