What’s Bittersweet by Lotte Bowser about? What inner strength allows a person to face overwhelming grief and still find a way forward?
Lotte Bowser’s Bittersweet chronicles a profound six-year journey of love, devastating loss, and eventual healing. Bowser reveals the whirlwind romance with Ben that quickly evolved into deep love, their battle against his cancer diagnosis, and her struggle to reconstruct a meaningful life in the aftermath.
Read more in our brief overview of Bittersweet.
Overview of Bittersweet
In Bittersweet, Lotte Bowser delves into her six-year journey alongside Ben, detailing their swift deepening of affection, the pledge they shared, and the harrowing challenges they encountered due to Ben’s diagnosis of cancer and their unwavering search for a remedy. Bowser conveys her deep-rooted feelings of kinship, highlighting the shared passions and the strong relationship that developed between them.
Lotte and Ben’s Swift Relationship
Bowser recounts the rapid progression of her bond with Ben, which began with a connection formed through a dating app and blossomed into profound affection, shared living, and ultimately, their mutual choice to wed. She emphasizes the unique and emancipating aspects of their bond, which led to her embracing her true self and experiencing a depth of closeness that was new to her, all of which was influenced by Ben. Their shared passion for music and adventure fueled countless memories and a shared dream of a future together.
Meeting Through an Online Platform
The writer describes her initial connection with Ben through an online dating service, which was shaped by his tender look and their shared love for music. Their initial bond quickly grows stronger, with Bowser welcoming the thrill and spontaneity that Ben introduces to her existence. Their bond deepens swiftly and reaches a peak with confessions of deep affection when Halloween arrives. Bowser underscores how their affection reshaped her, in stark contrast to past relationships that compelled her to suppress and conceal aspects of her identity. Ben embraced her wholeheartedly, nurturing an atmosphere of security and self-acceptance that nurtured their love’s growth.
Their connection grows quickly, characterized by a sequence of joint adventures and an increasingly deep affection, with musical celebrations serving as a pivotal element in their shared experiences. They start living together, merging their existences effortlessly, and Bowser experiences an overwhelming feeling of wholeness alongside Ben. As the year 2020 dawns, Bowser finds herself swept up in a moment of supreme happiness when she receives a marriage proposal during a stunning fireworks show over Sydney Harbour. Bowser readily agrees to the proposal, firmly believing that it signifies the onset of their perpetual happiness.
Facing Cancer With Determination
This subsection delves into the author’s arduous journey, marked by unwavering determination to save Ben after he was diagnosed with cancer. Bowser meticulously details their initial hope after the surgery, the devastating return of the cancer, and their pursuit of alternative treatment options in the face of a terminal diagnosis.
Early Cancer Diagnosis
Initially, Bowser considered the bulge on Ben’s back to be a trivial wound, possibly sustained during his rigorous martial arts sessions in February 2019. However, upon recognizing that the unusual enlargement persists, Ben opts for diagnostic imaging followed by a tissue sample analysis. The medical analysis uncovered a stage three malignant tumor that had formed within the protective sheaths encasing the nerve. Bowser underscores their resolve to conquer the illness, despite the initial fear and astonishment it provoked. They follow the prescribed medical regimen, which involves surgical removal of the tumor and subsequent radiotherapy to hinder its return. Following his surgery, Ben made a full recovery and returned to his work responsibilities, in addition to getting accustomed to life in their recently acquired residence situated in the vicinity of Finsbury Park. They face the future with tentative optimism, bolstered by the lack of disease symptoms and the conviction that they have already overcome the toughest challenges.
Seeking Alternative Treatment in Mexico
In March 2020, during a routine health check-up, Bowser and Ben were confronted with the distressing revelation that the illness had extensively infiltrated his pulmonary system. Their dreams of a shared future fall apart when they face a life-threatening disease. Bowser delves deeply into alternative approaches to cancer therapy. They embarked on a journey to Tijuana, Mexico, placing their faith in a clinic known for offering a variety of non-traditional therapies. Fueled by their steadfast conviction that a miraculous outcome could occur, they opt to journey despite the perils presented by the worldwide health crisis. After initially showing promising results that reignited their hope, Ben falls ill with Covid-19, which severely impacts his fragile respiratory system. In their relentless quest, despite a last-ditch effort to secure vital cancer treatment, Ben ultimately succumbs to the disease.
Grief After Losing Spouse to Cancer
This section explores Bowser’s deep emotional odyssey in the wake of Ben’s passing. She expresses the profound emotional upheaval, her battle to comprehend the bereavement, and her attempts to manage the engulfing distress. Bowser also critiques the societal misunderstandings related to mourning and emphasizes the significance of securing genuine support.
Deep Anguish and Pain
Bowser expresses the profound sorrow she experienced, grappling with a mix of shock and a profound void following the passing of Ben. Understanding the world is now an obsolete concept. His disappearance resonates deeply, leaving her utterly lost and shattered. The author openly depicts her grief as an overwhelming power that fractures her feeling of completeness and tests her capacity for resilience.
Profound Distress and Despondency
Bowser delves into her profound sadness, depicting her distress as all-encompassing and influencing her entire existence. Her universe crumbled, leaving her in a state of profound sorrow, due to the absence of someone she once considered irreplaceable in her life. The author expresses her inner turmoil, struggling with the immutable fact that Ben no longer exists among the living, haunted by recollections of his lifeless body, and contends with an intense sense of hopelessness while reflecting on the value of life without him.
Comprehending Death and Dealing with Guilt
Bowser grapples with a profound sense of guilt, meticulously examining her past choices and behaviors during Ben’s illness, propelled by an intense desire to comprehend the circumstances that contributed to the tragedy. Despite their genuine attempts, her loved ones fail to comprehend the depth of her anguish throughout this distressing ordeal. Bowser confronts the common platitudes that surface in times of sorrow, underscoring that they trivialize and overlook the genuine intensity of her anguish. Attempts to diminish her grief by comparing it to other types of loss merely amplified her feelings of isolation and further entrenched her loneliness.
Coping with Grief
Bowser persists in her journey through immense sorrow, seeking different paths to find solace and recovery. She highlights how coping with loss is an individualized journey and rejects societal expectations of a prescribed timeline for recovery. She argues that sorrow should be seen as a normal response to loss that deserves consideration, rather than as a psychological disorder in need of fixing.
Exploring Spiritual and Alternative Healing
Driven by a need for comfort and understanding, Bowser delves into spiritual and alternative healing practices. She constructs a temporary refuge within her residence, partakes in meditative exercises, and pursues wisdom from shamans along with experts in the art of manipulating vital energy. She strictly follows non-traditional healing practices, driven by the belief that her mental state can influence her physical reality, and remains steadfast in her aspiration to manifest a miraculous recovery. Despite her utmost attempts, she is faced with the harsh truth that such methods are incapable of reversing the worsening state of her companion’s condition.
Finding Solace in Shared Experiences
Feeling isolated and misunderstood, Bowser actively seeks out a group of other young widows who understand her grief and can empathize with her feelings of bereavement. Through social media, she establishes relationships with Ellidy and two women, among whom Georgie is included, offering her crucial encouragement and validation. Bowser finds solace in understanding that her deep sadness and the unique challenges she faces as a young widow are shared experiences, not faced alone. The virtual network aids Bowser in confronting the norms associated with mourning, providing genuine support that enables her to acknowledge her sorrow and progress in a manner that suits her timing.
Rebuilding Life After Loss
This segment of the narrative focuses on Bowser’s endeavors to rebuild her life after Ben’s sudden departure. She embarks on a journey of self-discovery, grappling with profound grief, while reevaluating her identity and opening her heart to new romantic possibilities. Lotte Bowser highlights the intricacy of progressing in life while respecting her history, stressing the significance of integrating loss into the essence of one’s being, instead of obliterating recollections.
Journey of Self-Discovery
Bowser embarks on a journey of self-exploration after her partnership with Ben concludes. She realizes that developing an individual identity, distinct from their relationship, requires rekindling old interests and embarking on new endeavors, thus creating a life that is authentically her own. Bowser recognizes the challenges of starting over and knows that although sorrow frequently colors her outlook on existence, it doesn’t determine her future direction.
Contemplating Identity and Obstacles
Bowser delves into the complex process of redefining her identity following her partner’s passing, acknowledging the ease with which an individual’s distinctiveness can be lost in a relationship, particularly when confronted with the life-altering ordeal of a critical illness. She recounts the formidable task of sorting out their belongings, letting go of items that no longer serve a function, and facing the emptiness in the once jointly inhabited residence. Despite the inherent pain of these initial steps, Bowser acknowledges the significance of taking back control of her environment and beginning to conceive of a future that is genuinely her own. She pursued her interests in writing and found comfort in music’s power to rise above sorrow.
Embracing a New Path in Lisbon
Bowser made the choice to move to Lisbon, recognizing that her current environment was exacerbating her emotional turmoil. She associates the city with positive memories, feeling a strong bond to it, partly because she has visited it before alongside Ben. This move represents a significant step in her journey toward healing and self-discovery. Bowser embraces the opportunity to create a new life on her own terms, embarking on an adventure filled with possibilities as she leaves behind the familiar. She immerses herself fully in new experiences, embracing city life, and reignites pleasures once dulled by sorrow.
Exploring New Romantic Relationships
This subsection explores Bowser’s internal conflict regarding the pursuit of new romantic relationships following Ben’s passing. She expresses her initial reluctance and sense of remorse, wrestling with the societal norms about proceeding with life and doubting her ability to develop feelings for someone else while still profoundly mourning her late husband, Ben. Bowser ultimately confronts these intricate feelings with openness and sincerity, discovering solace in a new relationship that honors her past yet paves the way for her progression.
Initial Hesitation and Regret
Bowser openly expresses her initial hesitation and sense of regret about starting a new romantic journey after Ben’s death. She wrestles with the concept of moving beyond her sorrow and ponders whether seeking new romantic interests could be disloyal to Ben’s remembrance. The thought of being physically intimate with someone other than Ben provokes feelings of unease and nervousness. However, Bowser also recognizes her desire for intimacy and the fundamental need for human touch and connection, while realizing that these emotions do not lessen her affection towards Ben.
Accepting New Bonds and Understanding
Bowser grapples with the complexities of initiating a new romantic relationship amidst the process of grieving. She candidly recounts her experiences to Manu, facing her doubts and remorse with openness and sincerity. This authenticity enables her to foster intimacy that honors her past yet allows her to embrace forthcoming love. The fragile equilibrium is strengthened by the insights provided by a clairvoyant, who presents convincing proof that Ben’s spirit persists, indicating his consciousness of her fresh romance and his endorsement of her contentment and recovery. Ben conveys his support for Bowser’s bond with Manu through the symbolic gesture of sending a sagacious bird, signifying a profound spiritual bond between them.
Facing Additional Challenges
This concluding part of the story delves into the author’s process of mourning her father, who passed away shortly after Ben, highlighting the challenges of coping with consecutive losses and the importance of self-compassion. Bowser recounts that moving to Lisbon was pivotal in strengthening her feeling of empowerment, as it allowed her to once again welcome the exchange of affection.
Coping With Aging Parents
Bowser narrates the deep anguish she experiences after Ben’s passing, a sensation that is magnified by her father’s battle with advanced Alzheimer’s and esophageal cancer. She reflects on the complexity of their relationship, acknowledging the opportunities that might have deepened their connection and the challenges she encountered in supporting him through his decline. Bowser underscores her dedication to supporting her father during his last days, providing comfort and empathy despite the emotional burden.
Grieving Multiple Losses Simultaneously
Bowser conveys the profound emotional burden of her father’s deteriorating condition, emphasizing the distinct difficulties associated with Alzheimer’s and its unsettling similarity to Ben’s struggle with cancer. She narrates the distressing experience of watching his cognitive abilities diminish, his struggle to communicate, and the slow deterioration of his body. The events rekindle her grief and illuminate missed opportunities for connection, while also deepening her sense of the void left by her father, a man she never truly understood.
Bowser grapples with the compounded anguish of her father’s death while simultaneously confronting the heartache caused by Ben’s demise, a condition known as cumulative grief. She acknowledges her own numbness as a coping mechanism, her mind and body overwhelmed by the emotional toll of back-to-back losses. The mounting grief exacerbates her past traumas, making it more challenging for her to reconcile with each instance of loss. However, Bowser highlights a profoundly significant silent reconciliation with her father during the final part of his existence, transcending their past conflicts.
Moving to a Different Country for a Fresh Start
This section of the book explores the author’s decision to move to Lisbon, motivated by her grief and her desire to embrace fresh possibilities, as she aims to start afresh. This choice marks a clear and symbolic break from her past, allowing her to create a new life of her own making, while still holding onto her profound love for Ben.
Seeking Rejuvenation in a New City
Bowser portrays her move to the Portuguese capital as a search for rejuvenation, propelled by the desire to break free from the profound grief and multiple bereavements that had marred her previously tranquil surroundings. She recognizes the chance to forge a fresh existence in a metropolis that embodies hopeful recollections and an atmosphere of potential, unlike London. Lisbon offers her the opportunity to reshape her identity and create a life filled with happiness, exploration, and meaningful relationships.
A Transformative Quest for Healing
Bowser reflects on her path to personal growth and healing after moving to Lisbon, highlighting the complex blend of feelings tied to rebuilding her life following the loss of Ben. The city provides a sense of freedom, a stark contrast to the stifling feeling she endured during her stay in the British capital. She embraces new experiences, immersing herself in the community’s customs and forging warm relationships with the locals who greet her with open arms. Bowser acknowledges the importance of moving forward with care, cherishing the joy found in daily occurrences, and embracing the opportunity to fall in love again, despite the continuous emptiness created by Ben’s absence. She takes comfort in the notion that Ben’s essence continues to be by her side throughout her journey, manifesting in the natural world’s splendor and the resilience she discovers within herself.
