What holds people back from having clear and meaningful conversations? Why do so many of us fall into predictable patterns when communicating with others?
In Think Faster, Talk Smarter, Matt Abrahams reveals how bad communication habits such as mental shortcuts and perfectionism can prevent us from connecting authentically with others. He shows how to break free from these limiting patterns and become more engaging in spontaneous interactions.
Continue reading to discover how to transform your communication style and create deeper connections with everyone you meet.
Bad Communication Habits
A limitation that Abrahams says we encounter during spontaneous interactions is our own habitual responses. When we’re confronted with new, uncomfortable situations, it’s easy to default to the same old script. We’ll explain how taking comfortable, mental shortcuts and pursuing perfectionism prevents us from tapping into our creativity, connecting deeply with people, and authentically expressing ourselves. We’ll also share Abrahams’s tips to overcome bad communication habits and become more open and adaptive in spontaneous situations.
Heuristics Hamper Your Social Potential
Abrahams explains that our brains often rely on mental shortcuts, or heuristics, to handle complex tasks efficiently. These shortcuts help us respond quickly under pressure and avoid overthinking every decision of our day. For instance, if you stop to consider every detail as you decide what to wear for work, you might never leave your house. A heuristic helps you make a quick, instinctual decision about your dress so you can get to work on time. If you typically wear a sweater and slacks to work, you’ll probably default to this because it’s familiar and efficient.
(Shortform note: Heuristics helped our ancestors survive by aiding quick decisions in high-risk, chaotic moments of life or death. If a saber-toothed cat ran into your camp, heuristics would help you quickly default to whatever you know best for survival: grabbing your spear or retreating to a safe place.)
Although heuristics are useful, they can also cause problems in social situations by limiting your spontaneity and creativity. For example, imagine you’re at a dinner party where you use a heuristic to only engage in conversations about work, thinking it’s the safest topic. This approach stifles spontaneity and creativity, as it prevents you from discussing more personal or imaginative subjects that could lead to deeper connections.
(Shortform note: Some experts argue that certain heuristics can drive creativity. For instance, Ernest Hemingway, a prolific writer, abided by the heuristic, “never empty the well in writing.” That is, don’t deplete your creative energy. Depending on the heuristic and the context it’s used in, creativity can be stifled or encouraged.)
Defaulting to cookie-cutter responses can also prevent us from picking up on the needs of the people we interact with, resulting in lost opportunities for deep connections. For example, when someone loses weight, it’s typical to say “You look great!” However, this heuristic can reinforce the harmful idea that thinner = better, and it assumes that the person intentionally lost weight (rather than losing it due to a health issue, an eating disorder, depression, and so on). As a result, you miss out on an opportunity to connect with your friend in a more meaningful way.
(Shortform note: Avoid giving automatic responses by actively listening instead. This involves giving your full attention to whomever you’re interacting with. To stay deeply engaged as you listen, paraphrase what they’ve said to you to ensure you’re understanding their ideas, and ask questions about anything unclear.)
How to Overcome Heuristics
Your heuristics aren’t hardwired forever—replace them with Abrahams’s recommended habits.
1) Become mindful of the situations where you typically use heuristics. We often use heuristics during stressful situations because they’re an easy, comfortable way to navigate this stress.
2) Challenge yourself to handle situations differently than you usually do. For example, if you typically lead team meetings with a presentation, try giving the floor to your colleagues to let them raise the issues most pressing to them.
| Identify the Heuristics in Your Life Familiarizing yourself with heuristics may help you recognize them when they come up. Here are a few types of heuristics to be aware of. Availability heuristic: Judging the probability of something happening based on the limited examples that immediately come to mind Anchoring bias: When we’re making a judgment and we’re primarily influenced by the first source of information we encounter Confirmation bias: Our tendency to seek out and recognize information that confirms existing beliefs To help yourself break free from heuristics, consider acknowledging and analyzing moments you use a heuristic. This can help you become more aware of what circumstances cause it. When you know what triggers your heuristic, you can anticipate these factors and prepare an alternative habit more easily. When you catch yourself using a heuristic, record the main details about the circumstances leading up to the heuristic—for example, what you were doing, who you were with, and how you felt at the time. |
Perfectionism Adds Unneeded Pressure
Another way Abrahams says we limit ourselves during social situations is by striving for perfectionism—the pursuit of perfection, even if it’s unsustainable and unrealistic. When we set unrealistically high standards for ourselves, we can create anxiety over trying to live up to them, which makes it harder to enjoy ourselves and be creative. Instead, Abrahams argues that allowing ourselves to be imperfect is crucial for success in impromptu speaking situations. Doing so alleviates the debilitating pressure of perfectionism and helps us to focus on connecting with people.
(Shortform note: Perfectionism leads to other serious issues beyond anxiety. In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown says that perfectionists experience chronic shame because they repeatedly fail to meet their impossibly high self-expectations. Research also reveals that perfectionism compromises your mental health, which can lead you to burn out at work or school. One way to allow yourself to be imperfect is to shift your efforts from achieving perfection to achieving growth. Growth is a more realistic goal than perfection. When you approach tasks with a focus on improvement, they appear less daunting, and your need to procrastinate dissipates.)
Push Past Perfectionism
Train yourself out of perfectionism with these two tips from Abrahams.
1) Speak effectively, not perfectly. When you drop unrealistic standards and aim to instead say what’s sufficient, you’ll take pressure off yourself. You’ll become free to communicate openly, authentically, and joyfully. For example, instead of trying to dig deep for perfect advice when your friend is going through a hard time at work, focus on simply saying what’ll help them.
(Shortform note: The authors of Procrastination emphasize that setting realistic goals can help you overcome the debilitating pressure that perfectionism creates. Goals make the task ahead of you less daunting. In this way, a smaller, realistic goal can lead to effective action, whereas a high standard might scare you from trying altogether. For example, if you find yourself in an unexpected conversation with a new customer, aim to establish a positive relationship with them rather than putting pressure on yourself to complete a sale.)
2) Reframe performances—such as work presentations—as casual conversations. When you try to connect with people rather than impress them with perfection, you’ll be able to relax and express yourself more authentically. This will lead to more meaningful, genuine connections. Here are Abrahams’s tips to make interactions more conversational:
- Use casual language. Direct, simple words like “also” instead of “additionally,” or “stop,” instead of “cease,” help to lower the sense of stakes in an interaction, which will help everyone feel more comfortable.
- Ask questions. Questions help you go from feeling like you’re giving a presentation on your own to having a conversation together.
- Don’t memorize a script. This can create anxiety about reciting things correctly, which will take energy and attention away from interacting naturally and adaptively. Instead, list bullet points to help guide you when you need to get back on track.
(Shortform note: In How to Talk to Anyone, Leil Lowndes explains that it’s important to convey casualness in your body language as well as your verbal language. When your body language tells someone you’re relaxed and happy to see them, they’ll feel comfortable around you, too. To convey that you’re calm and content in the company of whoever you’re talking to, turn your body toward them and let your arms hang loosely at your sides.)
