The Superior Man's Guide to Appreciating Women

This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "The Way Of The Superior Man" by David Deida. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.

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What does The Way of the Superior Man say about appreciating women? What core values will set you up to have a strong relationship?

In his book The Way of the Superior Man, David Deida provides advice on how to appreciate women and feminine energy. Deida also gives advice on how to spend time with both older and younger women while remaining respectful.

Continue below for Deida’s thoughts on appreciating the gifts of femininity.

Appreciate the Feminine Gifts You Receive

The Superior Man embraces the myriad gifts of femininity in his pursuit of growth. He doesn’t stop appreciating women who lack the sexiness of youth, and he doesn’t let his sexual attraction to younger women impede his appreciation of their energy.

As women get older, their femininity is suppressed by their need to take on more masculine energies. The pressures of work, bills, and physical safety force them to repress their free, open, unrestrained energy. But an older woman’s deeper capacity for emotional understanding, and her lower tolerance for your bullshit, make her a valuable companion in your journey toward personal growth.

If your goal is to discover and embody your truest self, a relationship with a wiser, older woman will serve you well. Her feminine radiance, magnified by years of practice in love, compassion, and sensitivity will guide you toward revelations hitherto unimagined.

Young women haven’t had to rein in their femininity yet. They’re full of life in body, mind, and spirit, and that creative, lively, vibrant feminine energy radiates from them in an unmistakable way. Their joy and freedom reconnect us with the joy of being alive. Their presence lights us up and returns a youthful joy to our hearts.

In Western society we heavily sexualize young women, so we feel dirty and pedophilic for our attraction to their energy—but this energy, too, is a valuable gift.

The Superior Man understands the distinction between energetic and sexual attraction; he knows that attraction is a desire for energetic sharing, not merely a drive for sex.

In other words, we should enjoy and embrace the energy of young women, but in doing so it’s important that we don’t diminish the honor of this sharing by imposing our sexual desire on them.

What to Do:

When you spend time with a young woman, breathe deeply, be present, and enjoy her energy. Let it revitalize you and fill your heart with love. Allow her the freedom of sharing her gift by maintaining a respectful formality; don’t complicate her enjoyment of the moment. Let her be who she is and use the energy she gives you in your service to those around you. Let the heightened aliveness flow from her through you into your other relationships.

Prioritize Growth Over Desire

The Superior man is disciplined; he doesn’t let what he wants get in the way of what he needs. In this section, you’ll learn who to pursue, and the value of discipline.

Don’t Chase Women Who Don’t Want You

You can’t have a good relationship with a woman who doesn’t want you as much as you want her. Even if she agrees to be with you, if your desire for love is greater than hers, you push her to the masculine pole.

She’ll pursue independence and desire freedom and space, and your embodiment of the feminine pole seeking a depth of love that isn’t there will lead you to be needy. In pursuing this relationship, you only punish yourself.

Because the polarity is reversed, you’ll end up in a relationship that doesn’t serve either of you. As a man with a masculine essence and a woman with a feminine essence, your reversed polarity will inhibit your ability to enjoy passionate intimacy.

The Superior Man is stable in his masculinity; he pursues women who desire him, rather than wasting his time chasing those who have no interest.

What to Do:

When you want to be with a woman, determine whether she’s playing hard to get or if she really doesn’t want you. Consult your friends and hers, and if they tell you she doesn’t want you, give up. Deal with your pain on your own, and then find a woman who wants to be with you.

Choose a Woman Who Complements Your Core Essence

You will always be most attracted to your sexual reciprocal. If your essence is strongly masculine, you will be most attracted to a woman whose essence is strongly feminine. If your essence is more balanced or neutral, you’ll prefer a woman with a similarly balanced essence. If your essence is more feminine, you’ll be most attracted to women with a more masculine essence.

You may have seen couples in which the man is more lively and vibrant than the woman. The woman is more committed to her purpose and direction, and the man is more committed to love in the relationship. This is a case in which the man has more of a feminine sexual essence, and the woman’s essence is more masculine.

Alternatively, you may have seen couples where both people have more neutral essences. These couples talk about anything and everything, sharing hobbies and friends, and even career goals. They may be less sexually passionate—you’d probably never hear of them yelling, throwing pillows, and passionately making love on the floor—but they are equally loving.

If, however, you’re like 80% of couples, you’re a man with a masculine sexual essence and your partner is a woman with a feminine sexual essence. You’re as much confounded and infuriated by her feminine way as you are excited, attracted, and turned on by her.

What to Do:

Accept that as a masculine man, you’ll be most attracted to a feminine woman. Her embodiment of the feminine sexual essence enables her to give you the gifts you most desire, and it will naturally lead her to chaotic impulses and emotional storms. She’ll seem both sexually irresistible and emotionally unreadable.

Understand that this combination is simply the way of the world; like the women you’re attracted to, your world offers you limitless desire and terrifying unpredictability. A good relationship teaches you to embrace that dichotomy and learn to face it with an open mind and a loving heart.

The polarity of your essences will give you both passion and strife, and you will benefit most when you accept and love her through both. Embrace her light and her dark equally; your capacity to stand strong in your love regardless of the unpredictability of her energy is what will grow you most—and her.

Accept That Your Energetic Needs Will Naturally Fluctuate

When the flow of your life changes, you may suddenly desire a different “temperature” of feminine energy.

Some women are “hot,” and some are “cool.” It’s likely that you understand this intuitively; “cool” women have a calming, soothing presence. They move more slowly and are relaxing to be around. “Hot” women are fiery and quick to change; they move fast and are driven by passionate swings of emotion. Their presence wakes you up and excites you, pulling you in and drawing you along with their whims.

Your attraction to hot or cool women will change depending on what’s happening in your life. If your days are slow and peaceful, you may desire a hot woman to ignite your passion and revitalize your energy. If your days are busy and stressful, you may want a cool woman to soothe and heal you.

The Superior Man doesn’t just drop everything when his desires change—he evaluates the situation, makes adjustments, and continues to follow his core.

What to Do:

Energy is easy to adjust; instead of rushing to leave your woman when her energy no longer matches your needs, seek to adjust the “temperature” of your life in other ways first.

If you’re running hot, a change in diet, clothing, or lifestyle can be enough to cool you down. A glass of cool fruit juice, a massage from a cool woman, or a relaxed conversation can rebalance your energy. Likewise, spending time with hot, fiery people can warm you up and enliven your spirit just as much as having sex with a hot woman would. Spicy foods and warmer clothes will do just as well.

In some cases, it can be enough to communicate your changing energy needs with your partner; you may find that even a hot woman can fulfill your need for cooling energy. Only the practice of deep, committed love can guide you through your fears to the deep calm and stability at the core of your being.

Be Careful About Pursuing Multiple Women

Regardless of how loving and satisfying your relationship is, you’ll probably find yourself wanting to have sex with other women. This is not necessarily a problem, and how you respond to that desire depends on your purpose in life.

If your purpose is to enjoy as much physical pleasure as you can regardless of the consequences, then have sex with as many women as possible. If your purpose is to find and share love and freedom, do whatever magnifies freedom and love in your life and the lives of those within your reach.

The Superior Man is disciplined in all things; he chooses the course that best serves himself and those who rely on him, no matter what his desire may be. Desire is acceptable; action, however, is only worthwhile if you’re disciplined enough to recognize whether acting best serves everyone affected.

Understand that self-discipline is not the same as self-suppression. Self-suppression is hiding, resisting, and fighting your desires; doing everything you can to avoid expressing them. Self-discipline is allowing your higher desires to rule your lower desires by compassionately and considerately choosing whatever action best serves you and those you love.

The Superior Man’s Guide to Appreciating Women