How can you show your child you’re invested in what they have to say? What are the three levels of listening?
Listening lays the groundwork for a stronger relationship, writes Hunter Clarke-Fields. When you really listen to your kids, you send them the powerful message that they matter.
Keep reading for Clarke-Fields’s advice on active listening for parents.
How to Practice Active Listening as a Parent
Active listening isn’t just about hearing what they say, but tuning into their emotions and understanding their perspective. When children feel understood, they’re more likely to open up and share more of their thoughts and feelings. Active listening for parents creates a positive feedback loop where both parent and child feel more connected.
| The Three Levels of Listening The goal of listening is to understand the other person better. In Co-Active Coaching, the authors outline three levels of listening, the last of which is the most effective in promoting understanding and emotional intimacy. The first level of listening is internal listening. At this level, the listener is focused on their own thoughts and feelings. They aren’t fully present or engaged with the speaker and may be distracted or preoccupied. The second level of listening is focused listening. At this level, the listener is fully present and engaged with the speaker. They’re actively listening, paying attention to both verbal and nonverbal cues, and asking questions for clarification. The third, and most effective level of listening, is global listening. At this level, the listener is fully present and engaged with the speaker on multiple levels. They’re listening not only to the words being spoken but also to the emotions, values, and intentions behind them. |
Clarke-Fields says that when conflicts come up, pay close attention to what your child says to figure out the real reasons behind their actions or complaints. This means looking beyond the immediate problem, and understanding the deeper issue—the “why.” Often, there is some need that is not being met. Understanding the unmet need will help you tackle the root cause of the problem instead of just applying quick fixes that don’t solve anything long-term. For example, if your child gets angry when you ask them to clean their room, they may have an unmet need for autonomy or time to relax, or even guidance and instruction on where to start cleaning.
(Shortform note: According to scholar John Burton, unmet human needs are the basis of not only interpersonal conflicts, but also broader social conflicts. Unlike superficial or material disputes that might be negotiable, Burton explains, these unmet needs are inherent and non-negotiable prerequisites for human well-being. This is why traditional conflict resolution methods, like bargaining and compromise, fall short. Like Clarke-Fields, he advocates for a problem-solving approach that seeks to understand and address the underlying needs of everyone involved. By doing so, Burton argues, it’s possible to achieve more sustainable and enduring resolutions, as you acknowledge and address the root causes of conflict rather than merely the symptoms.)
Moreover, says Clarke-Fields, when kids see their parents genuinely trying to understand them without jumping straight into lecturing or punishment, they’re far less likely to get defensive and more likely to be open-minded about finding mutually acceptable solutions.
