What drives women to constantly strive for perfection in every aspect of their lives? Why do so many feel unfulfilled despite their endless efforts to meet society’s expectations?
In A Radical Awakening, Dr. Shefali Tsabary explores how patriarchal standards shape women’s identities from childhood. She reveals how these unrealistic expectations lead to burnout and disconnection from our authentic selves. Her approach combines Western psychology with Eastern philosophy.
Keep reading for our A Radical Awakening book overview.
A Radical Awakening Book Overview
Many women go through life striving to be good enough but end up feeling burned out and unfulfilled instead. A Radical Awakening, a book by Shefali Tsabary, attributes this phenomenon to their compulsion to meet unrealistic patriarchal standards. Women are taught from childhood to fulfill their needs for love and validation by being perfect, and when they inevitably fail to do so, they feel drained, flawed, and out of touch with their authentic selves. According to Tsabary, the way to break this cycle and achieve happiness is to detach from external standards, learn to fulfill your own needs, and let your authentic self dictate your actions and identity.
Tsabary (also known as Dr. Shefali) is a psychologist trained in Western psychology and Eastern philosophy. She specializes in bringing the two disciplines together to assist clients in family dynamics and personal development. She’s known for pioneering the “conscious parenting” movement, which teaches parents to heal their inner wounds and overcome their ego to raise children with presence and authenticity. She’s also the best-selling author of The Conscious Parent and The Awakened Family and the host of the podcast Parenting & You.
In this overview, we’ll explain how patriarchal standards impact women’s sense of identity and happiness. Then, we’ll explore Tsabary’s three main strategies to overcome this plight—recognizing your ego, deconstructing societal myths, and honoring your authentic self.
How Society Shapes the Female Identity
Tsabary explains that women’s identities are so heavily influenced by societal standards—those regarding appearance, behavior, and roles—because they’re taught from girlhood that their worth is inherently tied to meeting these standards. When girls meet standards, they’re validated and praised; however, when they don’t—for example when they’re loud, when they question authority, or when they’re emotional—they’re disciplined and made to feel unworthy.
This discipline is overt, such as being punished by parents or teachers, and covert, such as being excluded by kids at school. With age, these standards and expectations permeate and gain prominence, dictating roles and behaviors in all areas of life—for example, motherhood, romantic relationships, career, and appearance (we’ll explore this discussion in more detail in Part 2). Further, Tsabary notes that the consequences of failing to meet standards also intensify—women risk financial, social, mental, and emotional hardships.
Tsabary explains that these standards are more stringent for women than men because we live in a patriarchal society—our rules and standards are designed by men to benefit them and give them power and dominance over women and children. This means that naturally, patriarchal standards more severely limit women’s ability to act freely than men’s and that the consequences for breaking standards are often more damaging for women.
Consequently, says Tsabary, women try so hard to meet standards and avoid reproach that their true identity—their authentic thoughts, feelings, and desires—fade into the background. Instead of facing situations and asking “What do I want? What’s in my best interest?” they automatically respond based on how they believe they can meet standards and gain safety and security.
Tsabary explains that women’s automatic responses and false identity (the one formed based on societal standards) are a protective shield called the ego. The egoic identity emerges to protect women from the backlash they’ll receive if they act according to their true selves. While it can help women stay afloat in patriarchal society, it ultimately hinders them by suppressing their true selves.
We’ll discuss how women can recognize and overcome their ego so they’re able to act authentically. Then, we’ll explore how they can deconstruct societal myths and standards and start honoring their authentic selves to be happy and fulfilled.
Part 1: Recognize Your Ego
According to Tsabary, recognizing your egoic identity is a crucial step to limiting its control over your mind so you can act authentically and be happy and fulfilled. Each egoic identity is associated with certain behaviors—once you know your egoic identity and the behaviors associated with it, you can recognize when it’s controlling you. This way, you can stop and evaluate how to respond based on your authentic self and best interests instead.
Tsabary elaborates that there are three primary egoic identities that women take on in an attempt to manage societal standards and achieve self-worth: the servant, the boss, and the beggar.
The Servant Ego
A woman with a servant identity (what Tsabary calls “the giver”) is one who is self-sacrificing, putting others before herself to her own detriment. For example, she may struggle to say no, feel powerful by giving to others, and have such strong empathy that she hurts when others are in pain. She also may often end up feeling taken advantage of, powerless, or like a perpetual victim.
Tsabary explains that servant identities often manifest in women who are highly sensitive and deeply fear abandonment to the point where their identity and self-worth are largely upheld by their relationships. When the loved one or validation from the loved one is taken away, the woman often feels lost and confused about who she is since her ability to serve—her identity—is taken away. These women may have experienced emotional neglect from caregivers during childhood.
The Boss Ego
The boss identity (what Tsabary calls “the controller”) is one who ultimately values power and control. These women strive for perfection and to be the best at what they do. They’re highly critical of themselves and others, often micromanaging situations and people to meet their high expectations. They tend to see themselves as giving and caring but often feel resentful toward others for the help they feel required to give, and often end up reaching a breaking point where they lash out. The boss and servant egos may also coincide in women who ceaselessly strive to please others (giver behavior) in an attempt to win their admiration and control how others view them (controller behavior).
Women tend to develop the boss identity to relieve deep-seated anxiety over not being enough; this anxiety might come from having someone in their life who makes them feel unworthy, such as a parent or spouse.
The Beggar Ego
The beggar identity (what Tsabary calls “the taker”) is the opposite of the servant and the boss—those with this identity relinquish all control over themselves, relying on others to provide for them and offer guidance and support. The beggar comes in different forms. On one hand, she may see herself as superior to others, believing others are there to serve her and that this is what she deserves—she expects and allows others to provide for and care for her. On the other hand, she may see herself as incompetent or helpless—she needs others to provide for her, but she believes it’s not her fault because she’s simply unable to do so herself. She may also be naive, childish, overly optimistic, and out of touch with reality.
Women tend to develop the beggar identity because they’re afraid to acknowledge their fears and emotional pain—instead, they ignore these fears and emotions and act helpless. These women may have grown up in situations that made them feel unimportant, less-than, or out of control. For example, they may have had parents who acted overly important, siblings who outshined them, or a chaotic home life that they couldn’t change and had to emotionally dull themselves from instead.
Part 2: Deconstruct Societal Myths
Tsabary explains that another important part of connecting with and acting according to your authentic self is learning to deconstruct societal myths that dictate how women should exist. She explains that the patriarchy has a set of rules and standards that tell us how we should act and how things should be, but that most of these rules and standards are baseless—they’re simply opinions that have been accepted as truth for so long that we no longer question them.
Tsabary says that, instead of living according to these myths, women need to question their accuracy and live by what they think and feel to be right. We’ll outline four areas where following societal myths tends to disadvantage women. (Tsabary notes that many of the following discussions pertain to cisgender women and heterosexual relationships.)
Sexuality
Tsabary explains that societal myths tell women that connecting to and expressing their sexuality is inappropriate and shameful. They’re taught that sex is something that should only happen in wedlock with the intent of conception. However, denying women the ability to explore their sexuality—independently and with partners—takes power and pleasure away from them and gives it to men. If women aren’t allowed to explore themselves, they’re unable to experience pleasure without a man and are never given the opportunity to understand their own wants and needs. On the other hand, society says it’s OK for men to explore their sexuality alone and with others outside of wedlock.
Tsabary says that women should reclaim their sexuality by exploring their own body and sexual interests. They should shamelessly decide who they want to have sex with, when, and how often.
Relationships
According to Tsabary, the notions that society preaches about monogamy and the nature of relationships contradict human nature.
Our Non-Monogamous Nature
First, Tsabary believes that human nature is tailored toward non-monogamy rather than monogamy, as society preaches. Tsabary claims that the different biopsychologies of men and women support this claim—men are fertile all the time and can impregnate infinite women; therefore, their nature is to constantly seek partners to spread their genes. On the other hand, women are fertile only once a month and can produce a limited number of children, therefore they must be highly selective in their partner to ensure strong offspring—but each child doesn’t need to have the same father.
Further, says Tsabary, human tribal history shows that most communities were non-monogamous and that children were raised by the community rather than a mother-father unit. This allowed children to receive constant attention and care without a nuclear family. This community structure supported non-monogamy because it allowed adults to have relationships and children with multiple partners without negatively impacting child rearing and development.
Ultimately, our biopsychology and history show that humans thrived in non-monogamous communities.
The Detriments of Monogamy
While Tsabary recognizes that non-monogamy isn’t for everyone, she emphasizes that simply accepting the standards of monogamy without introspection can cause major problems.
First, committing to one person for the rest of your life without question often causes both men and women to sabotage their happiness and fulfillment. Tsabary believes that it’s highly unlikely for one person to fulfill all your mental, emotional, and sexual needs for the rest of your life. Therefore, monogamy often causes people to suffer with unfulfilled needs by denying them the opportunity to connect with people who can meet those needs.
Meeting these needs is important, explains Tsabary, because they’ll lead to a point of breakdown if they go unmet for long enough. For example, we may begin to resent our partner who’s unable to provide the emotional support we need. Or, we deceive our partner by fulfilling sexual needs they don’t meet outside the relationship without their consent. Whether we want to or not, our subconscious mind will drive us to meet our needs—it’s better to do so in a healthy way than in unsatisfactory ways.
This isn’t to say you need to leave your primary partnership to satisfy your needs—Tsabary believes you can explore other connections while maintaining a loving relationship with your primary partner. This is possible because, according to Tsabary, love and commitment are about much more than sex—they’re about regular connection and shared experiences. If partners are committed to dedicating time to each other and growing together, and agree on being non-monogamous, they can continue a happy partnership while meeting unfulfilled needs outside the relationship.
The Detriments of Marriage Myths
Tsabary continues to explain that our beliefs surrounding marriage can also cause major turmoil. We’re taught that once the marriage contract is made, it should never be broken. This causes many women to endure unhappy and even abusive marriages due to the stigma they fear facing upon divorce.
Further, Tsabary says that while we’re taught that marriage is the ultimate guarantee of love, love comes from partners’ commitment to constantly grow together. People think that once they get married, their relationship is set in stone and will never change. Tsabary explains that this is unrealistic because people are constantly changing—if you cling to a past state of your partner or relationship, you create distance that can be irreconcilable.
Tsabary says that true love and commitment require you to accept the evolving nature of your partner and relationship, and commit to growing alongside them. Part of committing to this growth is realizing when two people also naturally grow apart—if this happens, a marriage contract can’t preserve love. Instead, partners who are no longer compatible must acknowledge this and release each other so they can continue to grow on their own paths and reach their individual potentials.
Motherhood
Tsabary explains that the societal expectations around motherhood often influence women’s identities negatively. First, society often tells women that the most important thing they can do in life is become a mother, and that if they don’t have children, they’re less of a woman. This is inherently untrue and often makes women without kids or who are unable to conceive feel they’ve lost their female identity.
Further, society encourages motherhood to consume women’s identities once they have children. Because their identity and sense of self-worth become dependent on their children, women become obsessed with being the “perfect” mom. This often causes mothers to put too much pressure on their kids to be perfect—smart, athletic, polite, and so on—because they see their kids as a representation of themselves. Further, when children grow up and move out, the mother often feels she’s lost her identity because she no longer has a child to obsess over.
Instead, Tsabary says mothers should see their child as a separate entity that they love and support. They should live in the present moment and accept things as they are rather than judging them as good or bad—not let their children’s behavior or emotions affect their own, and not judge their kids as being good enough or not. This allows them to be a stable and consistent supporter for their children. They should also work to heal their own issues so they can be the best parent they can be.
Appearance
Tsabary adds that women also feel constant pressure to meet society’s strict beauty standards—to be young and skinny with light skin, hair, and eyes. However, these standards are unrealistic for most women—especially for those of non-European descent. Despite this, women are made to feel ugly and unworthy when they don’t meet these standards—for example, when they age or gain weight. These feelings of unworthiness often drive them to dress up, dye their hair, pile on makeup, or even undergo procedures and surgeries to alter their appearance.
However, Tsabary notes that when women attempt to improve their appearance, they make matters worse for women as a whole. The more women adhere to beauty standards and change themselves to meet them, the more they strengthen these standards and the belief that looking different makes them unworthy.
Instead, Tsabary proposes that we resist altering ourselves to meet standards—for example, wear your natural hair, don’t alter your appearance with heavy makeup or surgery, and dress in comfortable clothes rather than clothing meant to boost your attractiveness. Further, stop using words like beautiful or perfect to describe appearances—doing so implies that alternative appearances are ugly or flawed. Instead, simply accept and label your body as it is. For example, rather than saying “my curves are beautiful,” say “I love my curves.”
Honor Your Authentic Self
According to Tsabary, the most important component of achieving happiness and fulfillment in life is connecting to and honoring your authentic self. This requires you to take total accountability for yourself and your life, detach from external influences, and let your inner self guide you. Tsabary provides a few guiding principles that will help you achieve these goals.
Establish Strong Standards, and Never Accept Less
Tsabary explains that many women can’t be happy and fulfilled because they set low standards for themselves and accept less than they deserve. These low standards often stem from low self-worth that results from failing to meet societal expectations. For example, a woman striving to have the perfect body may deprive herself of food—she accepts less than what she needs to be healthy. Or, a woman craving acceptance may stay in an abusive relationship because she thinks if she just tries harder, her partner will treat her better—her standards are low.
Tsabary argues that women must recognize and take accountability for the actions, decisions, and habits that compromise their well-being and power. Rather than seeing themselves as powerless or victims, women need to love and respect themselves enough to let go of people and situations that don’t serve them and only accept ones that do.
Practice Detachment
According to Tsabary, many women hold themselves back from happiness and fulfillment because of their attachments to others. They rely on people and situations to fulfill their needs and provide them with acceptance; however, these external elements are always changing and therefore can never provide us with the consistent acceptance we seek.
Tsabary believes that only you can satisfy your needs and provide the consistent acceptance you seek. To achieve this, she recommends that you live life in a state of detachment—love things as fully as possible, but live in the moment and accept life as it happens. Rather than resisting change or undesirable situations, accept them with grace and refrain from judging them as good or bad and right or wrong. Once you detach from and stop seeking fulfillment from external sources, you’re able to start fulfilling your own needs.
Fulfill Your Own Needs
Finally, Tsabary says women must learn how to fulfill their own needs. To do so, they must consider the needs they were trying to fulfill with their egoic identity and attachments to others. Then, they must identify ways to fulfill those needs themselves.
First, to identify the source of your egoic identity and attachments, Tsabary recommends considering which of your childhood needs went unfulfilled. Unfulfilled childhood needs tend to transfer into adulthood and produce the unhealthy methods we use to seek validation such as our ego or attachment to others.
For example, you may have felt lonely and unimportant as a child because your parents were always busy. Asking for their time or attention made you feel like a burden. As an adult, your childhood need for attention and validation manifests as a boss ego where you seek independence. This way, you don’t need anyone else and won’t face rejection like you did as a child. You also receive validation from others for being perfect—they provide you with the assurance that you’re good enough and not a burden.
To overcome this negative cycle, Tsabary explains that you need to get to the root of the problem—override the negative voice in your head. This inner voice prevents you from fulfilling your needs by telling you you’re not good enough—when you don’t think you’re good enough, you need others to show you that you are.
To do so, start by acknowledging the origin of your inner thoughts: Did they come from the way you were treated as a child? Did you absorb them from society or culture? For example, you may think you’re unworthy and a burden because your parents made you feel like this as a kid. Then, consider how you can replace these negative thoughts and be a source of support for yourself—talk to yourself like a best friend or therapist would. Ask yourself questions like: What exactly is making you feel upset or leading you to engage in undesirable behavior? Then talk yourself down—consider why your negative thoughts aren’t true, why you’re actually awesome and not flawed, and what kinds of thoughts and behaviors you should engage in instead.
