Dealing With Boundary Issues: Tips From a Therapist

This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "Set Boundaries, Find Peace" by Nedra Glover Tawwab. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.

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Do people often overstep your personal boundaries? How do you effectively establish and appropriately communicate your boundaries?

Setting boundaries can be tricky, but it’s essential for respectful and harmonious relationships. It can be especially challenging to set boundaries with loved ones and at work.

Therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab provides strategies for dealing with common boundary issues.

Setting Boundaries With Loved Ones

According to Tawwab, it’s normal to experience boundary issues with your loved ones. Because your loved ones have probably known you for quite a while, they’ve likely become attached to routine ways of interacting with you. When you try to change these longstanding routines, loved ones often struggle to adjust, as they may fear that your new boundaries will create distance in the relationship. As a result of this uneasiness, it may take them some time to adjust to your new boundaries.

To help give your loved ones the time they need to adjust their expectations, begin communicating your boundaries as far in advance as possible rather than waiting until a boundary violation happens, especially if you know an important occasion is coming up.

In particular, this can be helpful when setting boundaries around holiday travel. If you decide not to attend a family gathering, let everyone know as soon as you can. By communicating this information early on, you give your family time and space to come to terms with things. On the other hand, the longer you wait to express your boundaries, the more time your family will have to get excited to see you, which will deepen their disappointment if you cancel at the last minute.

Set Boundaries Around Supporting Friends

According to Tawwab, a common pattern in friendships is that one person ends up providing more emotional support than they’re comfortable with. Naturally, people complain to their friends about relationships, family, and work, but sometimes, friends can get carried away and unload too many emotions on one another.

(Shortform note: It’s especially important to set boundaries when a friend is struggling with something that’s particularly upsetting for you to engage with. When you’re personally affected by the discussion of a specific subject, it can be difficult to provide support without exhausting yourself or becoming upset. For instance, if you’re the child of an alcoholic, it may be distressing for you to revisit those memories when offering support to a friend struggling with alcohol abuse. In these situations, it’s best to acknowledge that you’re not able to offer the support that your friend needs. That way, they’ll be able to look elsewhere for the support they need, and you’ll be able to continue the friendship without draining yourself.)

If a friend is asking for more support than you can give, it’s best for the relationship if you speak up immediately. While setting boundaries with friends can lead to feelings of guilt, in the long run, the relationship will be better off for it. By speaking up and setting boundaries, you enable the other person to be a better friend to you.

(Shortform note: If you experience guilt after setting boundaries with friends, it’s important to remember that you’ve not only done what’s best for the relationship, you’ve also done what’s best for you. By setting boundaries, you avoid pouring out too much energy supporting friends. And, when you have more energy, you’ll be able to function better, both for yourself and in your relationships.)

Setting Boundaries at Work

Tawwab argues that it’s especially important to explicitly state your boundaries in the workplace because your coworkers may not always know you intimately—coworkers whom you aren’t close to won’t know how you’d like to be treated until you tell them. Just like with loved ones, it’s best to communicate explicitly with your coworkers regardless of how close your relationships with them are. Give your coworkers the chance to respect you by communicating your boundaries in the office the same as you would in other relationships.

(Shortform note: Some authors believe that setting boundaries in the workplace can help you avoid burnout. These authors argue that the best way to improve your job satisfaction is to set boundaries and advocate for yourself in your workplace. At many companies, boundary-setting is appreciated, as managers appreciate hearing feedback that helps them manage more effectively.)

Not every workplace conflict can be solved by boundary-setting. If your workplace includes toxic behaviors such as sexual harassment or wage theft, and those behaviors continue even after you communicate your boundaries, you may need to take other actions. Specifically, Tawwab advises that you document misbehavior, reach out to human resources and management (if they’re sympathetic), and consider finding a new job if necessary.

(Shortform note: If you’re faced with toxic behavior at work that can’t be solved by setting boundaries, there are other actions you can take to defend yourself. Specifically, if you believe you’re being discriminated against at work, you can file a claim with a government agency such as the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC). Agencies such as the EEOC exist to ensure that workers are treated fairly and can help you access workplace protections and legal recourse if necessary.)

Dealing With Boundary Issues: Tips From a Therapist