This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "She Comes First" by Ian Kerner. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.
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Do you know how to do cunnilingus? Why is cunnilingus important to perform during foreplay?
Psychotherapist and nationally recognized sexuality counselor, Ian Kerner, says in She Comes First that performing cunnilingus is important to reach a female orgasm. He gives step-by-step instructions on how to perform the sexual activity so women can have a great time in bed.
Read below for an overview of how to perform cunnilingus.
Performing Cunnilingus
Once your female partner is sufficiently aroused, Kerner says that it’s time to move on to cunnilingus where you’ll build her arousal even further until she orgasms. We can break Kerner’s process of learning how to do cunnilingus down into four major steps: making first contact, establishing a rhythm, introducing manual stimulation, and bringing her to orgasm. This process should take anywhere from 15-45 minutes, not including foreplay.
Step #1: First Contact
Kerner places special emphasis on the moment you first make contact with your partner’s clitoris because this is the moment she’s been anticipating—Kerner calls this the “first kiss.”
The first step in making contact is getting into a comfortable and practical position. Kerner says to avoid any positions that could make things difficult, uncomfortable, or distracting. Instead, she should be on her back with her legs slightly bent and spread just enough for your head to fit between them. You can prop a pillow beneath her neck, head, and buttocks to direct blood flow to her vulva and increase her comfort—the pillow under her buttocks will also make it easier for you to reach her sexual parts.
Next, give her a final burst of anticipation. You’ll be in position at this point so she knows what’s coming—but make her want it even more. Kiss her inner thighs, outer corners of her vulva, outer lips, and even the top of her clitoral head. Make sure to use short, pursed kisses with no tongue. You can also do this through her panties before removing or pushing them aside for first contact.
Then make contact. Your first lick should be a slow and soft one starting at the vaginal entrance, moving lightly over the clitoral head, and ending at the commissure where you should press the clitoral shaft with the tip of your tongue for a moment.
Step #2: Rhythm
After you make first contact, start to create a rhythm with your tongue strokes. Kerner emphasizes that it’s important to strike a balance between action and stillness when performing cunnilingus. If you move too fast, you’ll sabotage her anticipation and may overstimulate her, ultimately decreasing arousal.
Taking this into account, Kerner recommends a system to establish rhythm and increase arousal:
- Press your tongue against her vulva, break contact for a split second, perform the same long, slow lick from first contact, and repeat for a few minutes.
- Next, perform half-licks and stop before the clitoral head so that you avoid it and don’t overstimulate her—it should then go back into the hood. You can focus on other regions like the labia, but maintain a rhythm.
- When the head re-emerges, press the tip of your tongue against it for a long moment at the end of a lick.
- Repeat steps two and three for a few minutes.
Rhythm and Orgasm: A Breakthrough Topic
Kerner explains that creating a rhythm is necessary to make your partner orgasm because you must strike a balance between action and stillness to build the arousal and anticipation that leads to orgasm.
However, Kerner doesn’t provide any scientific evidence that supports this claim. This lack of evidence is probably because the correlation between rhythmic stimulation and orgasm wasn’t explored by scientists until 2016—12 years after She Comes First was published. So Kerner was actually at the forefront of an entirely new field of study.
Researchers from Northwestern University explain that rhythmic activity causes us to enter a trance-like state where the combination of intense focus and repeated motion forms neural pathways (highways for nerve signals) between different parts of the brain. They theorize that rhythm is what causes orgasm because with each repeated motion, neural pathways are extended and nerve signals reach further and further until the orgasmic threshold is reached. However, research in the area is very limited and this theory has yet to be proven.
Step #3: Manual Stimulation
Once you’ve established a rhythm that increases her arousal and continues to build anticipation, Kerner says you can introduce manual stimulation with your hands and fingers. You should maintain tongue strokes while doing so.
Kerner recommends introducing manual stimulation gradually. Start by tracing her labia with your fingers, gently pinching them, stimulating the front commissure, tapping the frenulum, and teasing her fourchette and vaginal entrance. Then, slowly insert your index finger about two inches into her vagina and hold it still. Your other free hand should go under her buttocks to keep her in place. You can squeeze them together for a more advanced move.
Once she’s adjusted to your finger, you can curl it up toward her belly button in a “come here” motion and press against the vaginal ceiling with your fingertip—this will stimulate her internal clitoral nerves. Once she’s adjusted, you can insert your middle finger as well. While you do this, you can integrate a more advanced move by pressing your hand to her mons pubis and pushing slightly upward—this will expose the clitoral head and make her more sensitive to your tongue strokes.
Kerner recommends a few more advanced moves that you may want to consider integrating at this time:
(1) Switch up your tongue strokes. You can integrate horizontal strokes, diagonal strokes, quick, repetitive strokes, gently suck the clitoral head, or press a flat tongue against her so she can move against you.
(2) Adjust your fingers. You can add a third finger depending on what’s comfortable for her. You can also use your thumb to stimulate the anus or press her perineum.
Step #4: Approaching Orgasm
Kerner says that to bring her toward orgasm, increase pressure on her clitoris and provide her with a point of resistance to increase muscular tension. To do this, press your gums against her front commissure. This will allow you to provide direct pressure to her clitoral head with regular tongue sweeps. It will also create a point of resistance that she can move against to create her own rhythm if she desires. Kerner says you should also place your hand back under her buttocks if you previously removed it—this will keep her in place and provide another point of resistance.
Kerner says you must maintain pressure on the clitoral head and internal clitoral nerves as she approaches orgasm. This will make the orgasm more powerful by essentially giving her two orgasms at once—one internally and one externally—called a blended orgasm. The following are indications that she’s about to orgasm: her breathing and heart rate are rapid, her muscles are in a high tension state, her ears and face are flushed, her hands and abdomen are hot, and you can feel her vulva pulsing.
Don’t stop your tongue strokes until you know her orgasm is over. During her orgasm, apply light, quick swipes over the clitoral head. Kerner says you’ll know she’s orgasming when her vagina contracts and releases repeatedly, her muscles are tensing and releasing, her breathing and heart rate have soared, and (with some women) she ejaculates clear fluid. You’ll know she’s done when she’s come to a complete stop and recoils from your tongue.
Muscle Tension Is Critical for Female Orgasms
Throughout the guide, Kerner repeats that gradually increasing clitoral stimulation is the key to making a woman orgasm. However, he introduces another vital component to female orgasm in the above section: muscular tension. While Kerner briefly discusses the importance of muscular tension and providing your partner with points of resistance, he doesn’t fully elaborate on why tension is so important and where the main tension points are. Experts elaborate that women need to tense their muscles to orgasm because it stimulates nerve endings within the muscles (called proprioceptors).
This nerve stimulation is then sent to the brain and interpreted as arousal, bringing her closer to orgasm. They add that many women use their buttocks, thighs, and pelvis as orgasm-inducing tension points. While Kerner doesn’t specifically mention the importance of these tension points, his advice to apply points of resistance against the front commissure and buttocks would make it easier for women to increase tension in these hotspots.
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- Why traditional sexual practices leave women unsatisfied
- Why men should ensure their female partner orgasms first
- An instruction manual on how to satisfy women and engage in the best sex possible
