This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "Attached" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.
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Looking for Attached book quotes? What can Amir Levine teach you about the attachment styles?
In Attached, Amir Levine discusses the psychology of the three attachment styles in order to help you improve your relationship. His advice works for both new relationships and long-term marriages.
Keep reading for Attached book quotes from Amir Levine.
Attached Book Quotes
Whether you’re searching for a new companion or trying to reignite the spark in a 40-year marriage, the authors of Attached distill the psychology of attachment into practical tools for finding an emotionally fulfilling relationship or improving the one you already have. Attached also delivers advice on communicating effectively, resolving conflict, and how to distance yourself from unhealthy relationships.
Here are some of the best Attached book quotes:
“Basically, secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving; anxious people crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationships, and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back; avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.”
A person with a secure attachment style has a compelling desire to achieve closeness with a romantic partner, but they’re also not overly concerned about rejection. They don’t need to constantly negotiate how much intimacy or how much independence their relationship gives them—they’re generally content with whatever their partner wants.
Secure attachers are consistent and reliable—they show up on time, they phone when they say they’re going to phone, and they keep promises. They discuss plans with you and don’t make decisions until they get your input. They open up their lives to you and typically introduce you to their family and friends relatively early in the relationship.
“Instead of thinking how you can change yourself in order to please your partner, as so many relationship books advise, think: Can this person provide what I need in order to be happy?”
Acknowledge and embrace your emotional needs. Don’t pretend you’re anything other than who you are. Instead of feeling ashamed of your “neediness,” look for a partner who can fulfill your needs. Assess potential partners from the first date: Is this the kind of person who can offer me reliable, consistent emotional support and love?
“If you’re still in a relationship, remember that just because you can get along with anyone doesn’t mean you have to. If you’re unhappy after having tried every way to make things work, chances are that you should move on. It’s in your best interest to end a dysfunctional relationship rather than get stuck forever with the wrong person just because you’re secure.”
If you’re a secure attacher, don’t let that mean you’re stuck forever in an unhealthy relationship. Having a secure attachment system is a precious gift—one that shouldn’t be squandered. Just because you can “get along” with your partner—no matter how difficult he or she has become—doesn’t mean you should.
“It’s important to remember that even with effective communication, some problems won’t be solved immediately. What’s vital is your partner’s response–whether he or she is concerned about your well-being, has your best interests in mind, and is willing to work on things.”
Whether your attachment style is anxious or avoidant, learning to communicate like a secure attacher will help you thrive in your intimate relationships. If you’re seeking a new partner, communicating directly and honestly can help you choose the right one—someone who is genuinely concerned with your interests and desires. Once you’re in a relationship, it helps to ensure your needs are met. And there’s a bonus attached: Every time you communicate like a secure attacher, you’re setting a good example and encouraging openness and honesty in your relationship.
“The more attuned you are to your partner’s needs at the early stages — and he or she to yours — the less energy you will need to expend attending to him or her later.”
Whether your attachment style is anxious or avoidant, learning to communicate like a secure attacher will help you thrive in your intimate relationships. If you’re seeking a new partner, communicating directly and honestly can help you choose the right one—someone who is genuinely concerned with your interests and desires. Once you’re in a relationship, it helps to ensure your needs are met. And there’s a bonus attached: Every time you communicate like a secure attacher, you’re setting a good example and encouraging openness and honesty in your relationship.
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Like what you just read? Read the rest of the world's best book summary and analysis of Amir Levine and Rachel Heller's "Attached" at Shortform .
Here's what you'll find in our full Attached summary :
- Why your partner behaves the way they do
- How your attachment style affects your relationship
- How to distance yourself from unhealthy relationships
