Is it possible to build healthy connections in polyamorous relationships? How can understanding attachment styles lead to more fulfilling partnerships?
Polysecure, a book by Jessica Fern, explores how attachment theory applies to consensual non-monogamy. This groundbreaking work offers practical guidance for developing secure attachments with multiple partners while maintaining a strong relationship with yourself.
Continue reading for an overview of Fern’s book.
Polysecure Book Overview
Polysecure, a book by psychologist Jessica Fern, explores the world of non-monogamous relationships, focusing on how attachment styles can influence relationship dynamics. Fern offers advice on how you can become polysecure—having healthy polyamorous relationships rooted in secure attachment with yourself and your partners. The book is a guide for those exploring polyamory or other forms of nontraditional relationships and committed to building relationships that are secure, fulfilling, and respectful.
Fern is a psychotherapist and certified coach, known for her expertise in attachment theory, trauma recovery, and non-monogamous relationships, and she helps individuals and couples to overcome past traumas and reactive patterns. She published Polysecure in 2020, and it quickly became a foundational resource for those exploring polyamory or other forms of nontraditional relationships. Her subsequent publications include The Polysecure Workbook (2022) and Polywise: A Deeper Dive Into Navigating Open Relationships (2023).
In this overview, we’ll define consensual non-monogamy and explain why attachment theory matters in the context of polyamorous relationships. We’ll outline the basics of attachment theory and explain how it’s evolved over time. Finally, we’ll detail Fern’s advice on how to develop secure attachment in your relationships, highlighting the importance of nurturing your relationship with yourself.
Consensual Non-Monogamy
First, we’ll discuss the basics of consensual non-monogamy. Fern defines consensual non-monogamy (CNM) as a relationship model where people have multiple, consensual, and simultaneous romantic and/or sexual partnerships. Contrary to popular misconceptions, CNM isn’t cheating; instead, it’s a clearly agreed-upon arrangement that relies on honesty, communication, and compassionate consideration for everyone’s needs and boundaries.
Fern explains that CNM doesn’t look the same for everyone. It includes a wide spectrum of relationships, from those that maintain some level of sexual or emotional exclusivity to those that completely reject hierarchical relationship structures (where partners have varying degrees of importance).
CNM has become less taboo. Fern points out that changes in society’s views on gender, sexuality, race, and family dynamics have increased the visibility and acceptance of CNM and other diverse relationship models. Yet, she notes that norms still tend to favor monogamy as the ideal relationship structure, often ignoring the drawbacks of monogamy and how it doesn’t meet everyone’s needs.
Fern explains that people choose CNM for various reasons. For some, it offers emotional and sexual experiences that monogamous relationships can’t provide. For others, CNM challenges the patriarchal history of monogamy—marked by traditional gender roles, power dynamics, and economic dependence—allowing them to establish relationships that feel more equal and empowering.
Why Attachment Theory Matters in Polyamorous Relationships
While CNM might be a good option for some, it comes with a unique set of challenges, like managing jealousy, changing relationships dynamics, and maintaining clear and open communication among all partners. Fern says that understanding your attachment style and working to build secure attachment will help you navigate the complexities of CNM.
We’ll begin with an overview of standard attachment theory and outline the four attachment styles. Then, we’ll explain the problem with traditional attachment theory and how an updated understanding of attachment fits in with CNM.
Attachment Theory
Attachment theory, based on the work of psychologist John Bowlby, proposes that the quality of our early interactions with our caregiver (or caregivers) directly influences whether we develop a secure or insecure attachment that we often carry with us into adult relationships.
Fern explains that, according to attachment theory, children who receive consistent nurturing care that responds to their needs typically develop secure attachments. This generally results in healthier, more open relationship dynamics as adults. In contrast, children who experience neglect or inconsistent responses from caregivers are more likely to develop insecure attachments, which, Fern adds, can often lead to challenges forming or sustaining intimate relationships later in life.
Trauma, experiences that cause significant psychological distress, such as abuse or neglect, can disrupt people’s ability to form secure attachments. Trauma can manifest in behavior patterns such as heightened anxiety, avoidant tendencies, or difficulty trusting others. Fern argues that understanding and addressing these trauma-related attachment issues is especially important in non-monogamous relationship models like CNM.
The Four Attachment Styles
According to attachment theory, there are four attachment styles: secure attachment, and three types of insecure attachment (anxious, avoidant, and disorganized).
1) Secure Attachment: People with a secure attachment style are typically comfortable with intimacy and are also able to seek out and provide support when needed. They tend to have stable and trusting relationships.
2) Anxious Attachment: Those with an anxious attachment style often fear abandonment and may exhibit strong emotional reactions and a high need for closeness that can sometimes overwhelm their partners. They might seek out multiple partners or casual sex to gain validation and reassurance, as they often fear abandonment and crave constant attention.
3) Avoidant Attachment: People with an avoidant attachment style may seem emotionally distant or uninterested in close relationships. They often maintain their independence and withdraw from displaying affection or fully engaging in a relationship. They might prefer keeping relationships superficial and engaging in casual sex to maintain their independence and avoid the vulnerability that comes with deep emotional connections.
4) Disorganized Attachment: This style is characterized by inconsistent behaviors that can confuse partners, stemming from a mix of avoidance and anxiety regarding attachments. People with disorganized attachment might find it hard to trust others, feel insecure about their relationships, or struggle to regulate their emotions.
The Problem With Traditional Attachment Theory
According to Fern, traditional attachment theory often privileges monogamy by assuming that a secure attachment is typically formed between two individuals, mirroring the conventional monogamous relationship structure. She argues this narrow focus overlooks the possibility that secure attachments can also be formed within non-monogamous contexts where people have multiple close, nurturing relationships. Fern contends that attachment theory can be expanded to include these diverse relationship models, emphasizing that secure attachments are about the quality of care and emotional responsiveness, regardless of the number or configuration of relationships.
Fern says that, according to studies, people in non-monogamous relationships often achieve levels of secure attachment comparable to, or even greater than, those in monogamous partnerships, challenging the belief that insecurity or instability is inherent to non-monogamy. Likewise, engaging in casual sex or having multiple sexual partners aren’t symptoms of insecure attachment. Fern argues that this belief unfairly stigmatizes CNM relationships by not acknowledging that people can engage in casual sex or multiple relationships from a place of security and personal satisfaction rather than insecurity.
How Attachment Theory Has Evolved
Fern emphasizes that you can cultivate secure attachment through mutual respect and care, regardless of your relationship structure. She thus offers two advanced frameworks of attachment theory that are more in line with polyamorous relationships: the two-dimensional model of attachment and the nested model of attachment.
The Two-Dimensional Model of Attachment
Unlike Bowlby’s four attachment styles, the two-dimensional model of attachment assesses people’s attachment behaviors by evaluating their levels of anxiety—worry about their partner’s availability and fear of abandonment—and avoidance—the extent to which they maintain emotional distance and rely on themselves rather than seeking closeness with others.
This model expands on the original categories of secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized by showing that these behaviors aren’t static and can change over time, across different relationships and different contexts. Therefore, Fern argues, this model is particularly pertinent in polyamorous relationships, where multiple emotional connections can trigger varying levels of anxiety and avoidance within each unique relationship dynamic. For example, if someone feels secure with partner A but becomes anxious when partner B starts dating someone new, it illustrates how attachment styles can shift depending on the specific relationship and situation.
The Nested Model of Attachment
Expanding on Bowlby’s original theory, the nested model of attachment highlights how your attachment style is impacted by more than just your family of origin and is instead also shaped by wider social, cultural, economic, and environmental factors.
Fern argues that by recognizing multilayered influences, the nested model of attachment allows a more comprehensive approach to understanding and addressing the complexities of individual attachment styles. Within this model, attachment security is influenced not only by individual relationships but also by the surrounding network, including partners, metamours (partners’ partners), and even broader community contexts. By acknowledging these interconnected layers, Fern explains, the nested model offers a holistic understanding of fostering secure attachments in polyamorous or non-monogamous settings.
How to Thrive in Consensual Non-Monogamy: Become Polysecure
Fern argues that for CNM relationships to work, you must become “polysecure,” which means achieving and maintaining secure attachments with multiple partners. She explains that based on the advanced frameworks of attachment theory, you can establish secure attachments with multiple people, just as a child can develop safe, loving, and caring connections with multiple caregivers. You can nurture these secure attachments with open communication, mutual trust, and respectful interactions with partners.
How to Become Polysecure
Fern gives advice for becoming polysecure, no matter your preferred relationship structure.
Foster a Secure Attachment With Yourself
First, Fern argues that one of the most important aspects of polysecure relationships is fostering secure attachment with yourself. This means developing a sense of self that doesn’t depend on the affection or attention of your partners. This internal foundation allows you to approach relationships with greater confidence and emotional stability. With this self-sufficiency, you can engage more confidently and authentically in relationships, without relying on others to meet your emotional needs.
Fern says that to develop a secure attachment with yourself and approach relationships from a place of strength and wholeness, you should increase your self-awareness through mindfulness. This not only means practicing mindfulness in the present, paying attention to negative thought patterns or when you feel triggered, but also taking time to reflect past relationships and how they impacted you.
Confirm Your and Your Partners’ Desire for Secure Attachment
Next, Fern encourages you to confirm your and your partners’ mutual desire to cultivate secure attachment in your relationships. She explains that establishing this commitment is essential because it lays the groundwork for clear ongoing communication about the relationship’s depth, involvement level, and mutual expectations, which may shift over time. This step ensures that all parties are committed to actively nurturing a healthy and mutually beneficial connection.
Act as Refuge and Foundation
Finally, Fern explains that in polysecure relationships, all partners must act as both a refuge (referred to by Fern as a safe haven) and a foundation (described as a secure base) for each other.
To act as a refuge, you provide emotional support and comfort, making your partner feel valued and secure. For example, if one of your partners is going through a stressful period at work, you can actively listen to their concerns and offer reassurance. This supportive behavior allows them to feel emotionally stable and connected, knowing they can rely on you for solace during challenging times.
To be an effective refuge, says Fern, practice being present by actively engaging with and being emotionally available to your partners. This includes practicing attentive listening, giving them your undivided attention during interactions, and minimizing distractions to foster a deeper connection. Pay attention to your partners’ words, tone, and body language, and acknowledge and validate their feelings to show you understand. You can also express appreciation for your partner by recognizing and naming the things you love about them.
As a foundation, you encourage your partners’ growth, exploration, and autonomy. For example, if a partner expresses interest in a new hobby, career opportunity, or new romantic partner, you can ask questions and encourage them, even if it means spending more time apart. By supporting their endeavors and celebrating their successes, you help them feel empowered and confident to explore the world and take risks, reinforcing their independence while still maintaining a strong emotional bond.
Fern says that to maintain a secure foundation, partners should actively support each other’s personal and professional growth. This includes paying attention to and encouraging each other’s dreams and ambitions, engaging in discussions that foster intellectual and emotional growth, and recognizing each other’s potential. Being a compassionate critic when necessary and celebrating new ventures—even when they involve other relationships—are key.
A Note on Balancing Multiple Relationships
Fern says that balancing multiple relationships in polyamory can be deeply fulfilling, but it isn’t always easy. To practice CNM effectively, you need to understand your capacities and limitations: What’s your current commitment? What do you have time for? What are your priorities? What’s the extent of your emotional availability?
Fern’s advice is to be honest and realistic about how much you can invest in each relationship without compromising the quality of attachment in other relationships. Fern emphasizes there’s no universal approach to how many relationships you can sustain or a checklist to determine when you need to pause or end a relationship. Ultimately, the key lies in maintaining open communication with your partners and being attuned to your own needs, ensuring that each relationship is nurtured and valued without overextending yourself.
