Have you lost touch with your friends? Why should you try to maintain your friendships?
In her book The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, one common deathbed regret that patients expressed was that they didn’t make an effort to maintain their friendships. While family feel obligated to visit you, real friends are invaluable in life.
Here’s why you should put in effort to keep your friends.
The Regret of Losing Touch With Friends
Ware writes that many of her patients regretted losing touch with friends. As people get busy with work and family, friendships often fall by the wayside.
Ware shares how one of her patients, Doris, felt lonely in a nursing home. She didn’t have any family around because her daughter was living in a different county, busy with her own life. Doris told Ware that she longed for the company of her friends and wished that she hadn’t let her friendships fade. After some research, Ware was able to contact one of Doris’s old friends and facilitated a phone call between the two, which lifted Doris’s spirits and brought her happiness in her final days.
(Shortform note: Why is it hard to maintain friendships later in life? Experts explain that friendships develop through unplanned interactions and shared experiences, and we simply experience fewer of these as we grow older. While work and family responsibilities get in the way of the 50 to 200 hours it takes to make friends, it’s still possible to nurture friendships in adulthood—you just have to be intentional. Organize regular group activities like book clubs, potlucks, or hikes to keep your friendships going strong as you age.)
| Friendships Are Good for Your Health Spiritual leaders and researchers alike argue that relationships aren’t just nice to have—they’re essential for our health and happiness. In The Art of Happiness, the Dalai Lama asserts that there are two reasons we need other humans: First, we literally depend on other people because they create and provide the goods and services we need to survive, such as our homes, food, and so on. Second, he says we need to interact with other humans to make us happy. In The Good Life, Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz elaborate on why we need such interactions to be happy: Loneliness is a stress response. For our ancestors, being isolated from the group was dangerous and reduced their chances of survival, so loneliness evolved as an early warning system to motivate them to connect and form relationships with others. Today, we still feel this stress when we’re isolated, even if we’re not in physical danger. Nurturing our friendships prevents the pain of loneliness and fulfills a deep-rooted need for human connection. |
Recognize the Value of Real Friends
Ware suggests you recognize the value of real friends: people who care about you, stick with you through difficult times, and accept you for who you are. She explains that surrounding yourself with the wrong people can leave you feeling lonely, even if you’re not alone, because those people don’t truly understand or accept you. And unlike family, who may sometimes expect you to be a certain way, real friends are happy with you the way that you are.
Spending time with real friends who share your interests, experiences, and philosophies makes you feel like you belong somewhere and that people care about you. So, when you find a real friend, put in the effort to reach out and maintain your relationship with them.
| The Three Types of Friendship The real friends that Ware refers to are likely virtue friends—the highest of three types of friendship according to Ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle. These friendships are based on mutual care, understanding, and values. The two other types of friendship are utility, which are friendships based on what you can do for each other, and pleasure, or friendships based on enjoying shared activities. While friendships of utility and pleasure have their place, Aristotle, like Ware, argues that virtuous friendships are the most fulfilling and important for living a good, happy life. These friendships take time and effort to develop, as they require really getting to know someone, and they’re based on selfless care and wanting the best for the other person. Aristotle points out that you can only maintain a small number of virtue friendships because of the intimacy and commitment they require. So when you find these rare friends who uplift and accept you, invest the time to strengthen those bonds, even if that means having fewer casual friendships. |
