Do you know how to tell if someone is dangerous? Do you want to be able to spot potential danger before it’s too late?
Gavin de Becker’s book The Gift of Fear outlines seven key behaviors that can help you identify potentially dangerous individuals. By learning to recognize these red flags, you’ll be better equipped to protect yourself in various situations.
Read on to discover the warning signs and what you can do to stay safe.
Warning Signs of Violence
It’s important to know how to tell if someone is dangerous, so de Becker lays out seven behaviors that people who intend to do you harm often display. Once you learn to recognize these warning signs, you’ll be better equipped to protect yourself. While these behaviors don’t guarantee that someone has bad intentions, be cautious if a person exhibits any of them.
1. Creating common ground. People with bad intentions may try to create a shared experience with you to gain your trust. They’ll often use the word “we” to suggest that you’re in the same situation together. For example, if you’re waiting for a bus that’s running late, they might say something like, “Well, it looks like we’re in for a wait.”
(Shortform note: This tactic of creating common ground is effective because humans have a natural instinct to trust others. In The Confidence Game, Maria Konnikova explains that when our ancestors lived in groups, they were safer and had better access to resources, which made trusting others beneficial for survival. She adds that we’re especially trusting toward those who seem similar to us because we typically view ourselves as honest, so when we meet someone who acts like they share our traits or experiences, we assume they must be honest too.)
2. Excessive niceness. De Becker writes that strangers don’t generally go out of their way to be nice to you. Although it’s possible a person might just be acting nice, if someone seems overly friendly or helpful without reason, be cautious and consider whether they have other intentions.
3. Making you feel indebted to them. People with bad intentions may go one step beyond just being nice and give you gifts or do unsolicited favors. By doing this, they hope you’ll feel obligated to repay them and be more open to their demands.
(Shortform note: Excessive niceness and gift-giving are common tactics used in love bombing—a manipulative strategy some people use to quickly gain control over a romantic partner. Love bombers shower you with excessive affection, gifts, and attention early on to make you feel special and indebted to them. Like with potential aggressors, this behavior goes beyond normal kindness or generosity.)
4. Not taking “no” for an answer. De Becker states that anyone who ignores your refusals and keeps insisting until you give in is a red flag. For example, this might be if someone insists on giving you a ride home even after you’ve declined multiple times. This is the most serious red flag, according to de Becker, because when someone refuses to accept your decision, and you let them, you give them control over you.
(Shortform note: Setting and maintaining boundaries is important for dealing with people who refuse to take “no” for an answer. In Set Boundaries, Find Peace, clinical therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab explains that boundaries are standards for how you want to be treated. Setting boundaries involves a three-step process: First, identify what boundaries you want to establish by reflecting on situations that make you uncomfortable and determining how you’d prefer to be treated. Next, communicate these boundaries to others assertively and directly, without over-explaining or apologizing. Finally, take action to reinforce your boundaries, such as by restating them if someone refuses to respect your “no.”)
5. Oversharing. People with bad intentions often provide too many details in their stories to seem more believable and familiar. For example, they might explain that they’re waiting for a bus because they need to buy a last-minute birthday gift for a friend who loves red pandas. De Becker notes that truthful people don’t feel the need to overshare because they aren’t worried that you won’t believe them.
(Shortform note: If you suspect someone is lying, try to get them to reveal holes in their story by encouraging them to keep talking. In Read People Like a Book, Patrick King says that liars have to devote a lot of mental energy to keeping their false story straight. The more they talk, the more likely they are to make a mistake that exposes the lie. Because of this, King recommends asking specific, open-ended questions to throw them off, as they likely haven’t thought through every aspect of their story. For instance, in the red panda example, you might ask, “How long have you known your friend?” and “Why do they love red pandas?” These questions would force the other person to make up details that are hard to keep track of.)
6. Challenging you. De Becker writes that potential aggressors might try to manipulate you by challenging you to do what they want you to do. For example, they may say, “You’re probably too afraid to do something this spontaneous,” in the hopes you’ll feel the urge to prove them wrong. If someone challenges you, you should simply not respond at all, suggests de Becker.
(Shortform note: You feel uncomfortable when someone challenges you to do something because it threatens your freedom to choose. This feeling is called reactance, and it makes you want to do the opposite of what you’re challenged to do, just to prove you’re in control. Studies show that people from individualistic cultures that value personal freedom tend to react more strongly to these challenges.)
7. Making promises. De Becker argues that people make promises to convince you of something, but promises don’t actually guarantee anything. For example, just because someone says, “My car is just around the corner, I promise,” doesn’t mean that it really is. The fact that they feel the need to make a promise means they’ve noticed your doubt (a sign of your intuition), which is why you should be cautious.
(Shortform note: This behavior is similar to a manipulative tactic called future faking—when someone makes grand promises about the future to manipulate you in the present. For example, a romantic partner might talk about getting married without any real intention of following through. Or a friend might continuously talk about starting a business together that never materializes. These empty promises play on your hopes and desires, making you more likely to trust or cooperate with the person making them. To protect yourself from future faking, be wary of promises that seem too good to be true. If you notice a pattern of unfulfilled promises, it may be a sign that you’re dealing with future faking.)
