Would others consider you to be a warm person? What are the secrets to projecting warmth in your interactions?
Charisma—a powerful tool in both personal and professional relationships—is a blend of warmth and competence that can be learned and improved. Communications expert Vanessa Van Edwards shares her advice on how to show warmth through verbal cues, body language, and even virtual communication.
Keep reading to get practical tips that can transform your interactions and increase your personal magnetism.
How to Show Warmth
Van Edwards explains that charisma is a balance of warmth and competence. She says anyone can become more charismatic by understanding and strategically adopting warmth and competence cues. Let’s look at Van Edwards’s advice on how to show warmth with verbal and behavioral cues, including tips for projecting warmth virtually.
Showing Warmth With Words
#1: Speak with feeling. Many people mistakenly believe that speaking with feeling—that is, letting your emotions shine through your speech—undermines your credibility. Van Edwards explains that the opposite is true: When you speak with feeling, your voice changes in subtle, momentary ways. These changes communicate authenticity, which makes listeners more likely to engage with the ideas you’re sharing.
(Shortform note: Some research suggests that the way you speak communicates more about your emotional state than your facial expressions, which means vocally masking your emotions could make it harder for others to empathize with you. If you have a naturally monotone, or emotionally flat, voice, Van Edwards explains on her website that you can learn to vary your voice through practice: For example, she recommends reading children’s books aloud using various vocal styles and mimicking actors’ voices.)
#2: Convey your interest when others are speaking. Van Edwards says you can use two types of vocal cues when others are speaking to show them you’re engaged: interjections (for example, “That’s wild!” as someone tells a fascinating story) and affirmative sounds (such as “huh!” in response to something that surprises you). You can also imitate the interjections and affirmative sounds others use in conversation with you to build rapport.
(Shortform note: Linguistics experts explain that sounds of agreement are a form of “phatic communication,” a type of communication that serves mainly to strengthen relationships, which includes small talk. Using phatic communication allows you to reinforce the importance of your social bond with someone even if you have nothing of substance to say at that moment.)
#3: Choose your words carefully. Van Edwards explains that the words you use carry both surface-level and hidden information. For example, “teaming up” and “working jointly” on a project have a similar surface meaning, but the former sounds warmer than the latter. To maximize your charisma, use a blend of warm and competent words. (Shortform note: The hidden information in a word is called its “connotation.” Reference tools like Visuwords can show you the connotations of specific words.)
Showing Warmth With Behavior
#1: Smile often, slowly, and genuinely. Van Edwards explains that genuine smiling is one of the most effective ways to project warmth. They’re also contagious—when you smile at someone, they’re likely to smile back at you, which facilitates social bonding. Smiling slowly can signal true delight and inspire laughter, another contagious warmth cue that strengthens your connection with someone. However, you should only smile genuinely—Van Edwards warns that artificial smiles don’t help you seem warmer, since it can be easy for others to tell they’re disingenuous.
(Shortform note: Why does smiling signal warmth? Some experts theorize that although baring your teeth is threatening among most primates, human smiling evolved as a way to communicate that a person is non-threatening and friendly. Authentic smiles—which psychologists call Duchenne smiles, after the anatomist who first studied them in detail—also signal delight, so they may make others feel as though you genuinely enjoy their company. Duchenne smiles can also make you seem helpful and more physically attractive, which could reinforce your charisma.)
#2: Nod to be supportive. Van Edwards explains that when you nod in response to someone’s speech, you support the speaker in two ways: First, your nod signals understanding and agreement. This is especially valuable when the speaker is sharing something vulnerable, like a difficult life experience, and needs validation to continue sharing. Second, if there are others around you, nodding can amplify the speaker’s credibility—by making it clear that you agree with the speaker, you increase the likelihood that others will, too. Both of these effects make you seem warmer and encourage the speaker to keep talking.
(Shortform note: Van Edwards’s research suggests that you can use nodding to combat testimonial injustice, a phenomenon that occurs when someone’s prejudices prevent them from seeing a speaker as a credible source. For example, some research suggests that it’s common for people to erroneously dismiss rape accusations as unbelievable (and this may be even more common when the accuser is Black). Suppose that in a group setting, someone shares that they’ve experienced sexual violence. If you nod as they tell their story, they’ll feel supported, and you may diminish the chance that they’ll become victims of testimonial injustice. In Unbound, “me too” founder Tarana Burke explains how this kind of support can help victims heal.)
#3: Raise your eyebrows to signal engagement. In a conversation, raising your eyebrows signals a desire to know more about the conversation or your conversation partner. Van Edwards also says raising your eyebrows to someone you’re not talking with signals a desire to initiate conversation. But she warns against raising your eyebrows too often, as this can make you seem bewildered. (Shortform note: To clarify, Van Edwards is talking about raising both eyebrows here—researchers call this an eyebrow flash. When you only raise one eyebrow in what researchers call an eyebrow cock, you communicate doubt.)
#4: Respectfully touch others. When you touch someone, both your bodies produce a hormone called oxytocin that strengthens social bonds. Van Edwards says touching will improve your connection with others in all sorts of relationships, from business to romance. However, she warns that who, how, and when to touch is culturally determined. In Western cultures, it’s usually appropriate to touch those you’re not close to on the hands and forearms, while touching the upper arms, back, and cheeks is reserved for friends and family. Van Edwards also says you shouldn’t pat someone’s head (it’s condescending) or touch anyone who seems uncomfortable.
(Shortform note: Respecting others’ physical boundaries is crucial if you want them to perceive you as warm. To make sure you’re being respectful, ask for others’ consent before you touch them—and understand that some requests for touch, like those that rely on stereotypes or reinforce power imbalances, are never appropriate. People who have marginalized identities are more likely to be subjected to disrespectful touching: For example, some disabled people report being patted on the head often, some Black women report that white people touch their hair without permission, and as much as 51% of women have experienced physical sexual harassment.)
#5: Tilt your head in photos and in conversation. Van Edwards explains that tilting your head can indicate that you’re approachable—the gesture makes you physically vulnerable since it exposes your neck, which makes others perceive you as non-threatening. This is why many people naturally tilt their heads when posing for a photo. Tilting your head at someone you’re talking with can also indicate that you’re engaged, since it puts one ear closer to them (a sign that you’re listening carefully to what they’re saying). When you seem safe and engaged, you project a friendlier image. However, note that tilting your head can undermine your competence since it exposes your neck (a sign of submission), so use this cue sparingly.
(Shortform note: Research suggests that many species, including dogs, tilt their heads when they’re cognitively engaged in a task (like listening, processing, or remembering). When dogs tilt their heads, humans perceive them as cuter—but some research indicates that humans may not always seem cuter when they tilt their heads. One study on dating app photos found that women who tilt their heads in photos are perceived positively, but men aren’t (perhaps this can be attributed to the stereotype that vulnerability is attractive in women but not in men.) Another study suggests that tilting your head in photos obscures your face, which may not make you seem approachable—but it may create a sense of mysterious intrigue that draws people in.)
#6: Selectively imitate others’ nonverbal cues. Nonverbal cues communicate emotions that can be contagious—if you’re next to someone who’s happy, you’re more likely to feel happy (and vice versa). You can consciously imitate someone’s warmth cues to amplify their positive emotions, which makes you seem warm. For example, if a coworker always greets you with a high five, you might respond with your own high fives or other forms of respectful touch. However, Van Edwards warns against imitating negative cues, which can detract from your warmth and worsen an already moody atmosphere.
Imitating someone’s cues can also signal that you agree with them, and validating their feelings or ideas can help warm them up to you. But Van Edwards says you should take care not to imitate someone’s cues when you disagree with them, as that can send the wrong message.
| The Nuances of Imitation Van Edwards says you shouldn’t imitate someone you disagree with, but you can use other cues to maintain a positive connection during disagreements. For example, you might combine verbal cues like friendly word choice with nonverbal cues like tilting your head as you listen to their ideas. Conflict communication strategies, like using open-ended questions, might also help you remain warm during difficult discussions. Projecting warmth during conflicts is helpful because it can protect your relationships from unnecessary harm—for example, some research shows that when parents express warmth on high-conflict days, their teenagers cope with the conflict better. However, projecting too much warmth during a disagreement can be harmful, as it signals that you’re not taking the conversation seriously. This is why imitation is the crux of Van Edwards’s advice here—if the person you’re talking to isn’t exhibiting any positive cues, you probably shouldn’t either. Van Edwards also says that imitating their negative cues could make the situation worse, but in some cases it might be an appropriate—even helpful—empathetic response. For example, consider how people react to death by sending condolences and crying at funerals: When someone loses a loved one, communicating that you’re sad, too can be comforting and help them process their grief. Not imitating the bereaved’s negative cues (like verbal and nonverbal expressions of sadness) in this case could make you seem cold and unfeeling, rather than warm or even neutral. |
#7: Lean toward others. Consider how you might lean toward a blossoming tree that you want to smell. Similarly, when you lean toward someone, it’s a sign that you’re engrossed in them—you want to see, hear, or otherwise perceive them more closely or even connect with them physically. This makes people feel like you’re respectfully or even delightedly engaging with them. Van Edwards says that you can also refrain from leaning to respectfully indicate that you’re not buying what someone’s saying—but don’t lean back, as this signals standoffishness.
(Shortform note: How does leaning toward others make you seem more charismatic? Studies suggest that physical closeness creates interpersonal warmth—the set of positive feelings exchanged during social interactions. When you initiate physical closeness by leaning in, it may seem like you sparked that warmth or like you are warm, one of the components of charisma. Leaning in can also convey competence, the other half of charisma: Language experts note that the term “lean in” is used to describe actions that demonstrate initiative, engagement, or assertiveness. This use of the phrase was popularized by Sheryl Sandberg in her book, Lean In, where she describes leaning toward other people when she spoke to assert her ideas.)
#8: Use space to your advantage. Van Edwards says that your proximity to others influences how they perceive your warmth: Closeness suggests mutual trust and comfort, while appropriate distance can signal that you respect others’ boundaries. Additionally, positioning yourself next to someone who’s important to the setting—like a community leader, your manager, or the most popular person in a friend group—can convey a privileged connection with them, enhancing your perceived competence.
#9: Look into others’ faces. Looking into someone’s face suggests that you’re paying attention to them and that you’re interested in understanding them. It’s easier to interpret others’ emotions when you look them in the face—Van Edwards says you should take in a person’s whole face, but pay special attention to their eyes. Looking into someone’s eyes stimulates oxytocin production in both parties, which can enhance your ability to interpret each other’s emotions and produce the mutual sensation of warmth. On the other hand, if you don’t want to encourage intimacy with someone or if you want them to know you’re not paying attention to them, avert your eyes. You should also reduce eye contact if someone seems uncomfortable with it.
#10: Curate your wardrobe. You can use your choice of clothing and accessories to signal warmth and competence in different measures. For example, if you always wear athleisure, others may subconsciously associate you with energy and vitality (competence cues) and see you as more approachable (a warmth cue) than someone who’s always dressed formally. Van Edwards suggests matching your wardrobe to the stereotypes whose associations you wish to embody, but she also notes that breaking the mold can be impactful because unexpected attire grabs others’ attention.
Showing Warmth Virtually
#1: Use “touchy” language when you’re not face-to-face. It can be difficult to signal warmth during remote communication. Van Edwards says telling others you wish you could touch them with phrases like “Virtual first bump!” or “Sending you a kiss!” can make you seem warm. (Shortform note: Be careful when using touchy language, especially with acquaintances. Many people feel uncomfortable when a stranger touches them, and conveying long-distance “touchiness” may also cross personal boundaries.)
(Shortform note: If you work remotely, you may be able to counter proximity bias, the tendency for supervisors to favor workers who work in the office, by using a combination of charismatic verbal cues in virtual meetings. Similarly, if you’re in a long-distance friendship or romantic relationship, you may have to get creative to foster physical connections: For example, some gifts come in synced pairs so that when you touch, say, your bracelet, your friend or partner’s bracelet vibrates.)
#2: Consider your emoji and punctuation use. Van Edwards says that, in text and email, emojis and exclamation points signal warmth. She refers readers to Science of People’s emoji guide, where she explains when (and when not) to use 45 different emojis. (Shortform note: Remember that Van Edwards works from a US-centric perspective, and emojis may be interpreted differently in different cultural contexts. For example, the applause emoji has a sexual meaning in China, but not in the West.)
