Do you struggle to express your needs in relationships? Are you unsure how to ask for what you want without causing conflict?
In The Love Prescription, relationship researchers Julie Schwartz Gottman and John Gottman explore effective communication strategies in regard to expressing needs. They explain why it’s hard for us to ask for what we need and why it’s important to do so.
Read on to discover their practical advice on how to ask for what you need.
Asking for What You Need
It’s easy to assume that our partners know (or should know) our needs and desires—but unless you express yourself clearly, you’ll likely never be on the same page. For example, you might think your partner should realize you don’t have time to fold the laundry because you’re so busy with work. However, they might assume you’ll do it because it’s normally a chore you do. This type of miscommunication can lead to pent-up resentment and conflict.
To explore how to overcome such miscommunication, we’ll first go through the authors’ tips on how to ask for what you need in a positive way. Then we’ll look at their explanation for why we aren’t open about our needs in the first place. Last, we’ll cover the consequences of neglecting our needs.
How to Ask for What You Need in a Positive Way
The Gottmans explain that you should frame your needs in a way that’s constructive rather than critical when you discuss them with your partner. The authors describe a three-step process for doing so:
- Describe the way you feel without criticizing your partner. Avoid negative, absolute statements about their personality (such as “you never do this” or “you always do that.”)
- Explain the circumstances that led you to feel in need of something. When doing this, don’t blame your partner. Instead, give them grace and speak in neutral, constructive terms.
- Describe what you need going forward. Be specific and frame this positively as an opportunity for your partner to help you.
Here’s an example of what these steps might look like in action: To start a conversation with your partner, you might say, “Lately, I’ve been feeling sad because I haven’t had time to do any creative writing, which is really important to me (describing the way you feel). Work and home chores have demanded so much of us both lately (explaining the circumstances), but I’d really appreciate it if you could handle my home chores one night each week to give me some time to write (describing what you need going forward).
| Using Nonviolent Communication to Express Your Needs The Gottmans’ steps for framing your needs positively align closely with Marshall B. Rosenberg’s four steps for nonviolent communication: 1. Objectively explain the circumstances that led to the emotion/need you’re trying to communicate without placing judgements on anyone. 2. Identify and express your feelings. 3. Connect your feelings to your needs. 4. Make specific requests. Rosenberg and the Gottmans share the same first two steps in their communication processes, but they list them in the opposite order. Rosenberg’s steps begin with observing the circumstances that led to your need, whereas the Gottmans suggest starting your conversation by describing the way you’re feeling. In both approaches, the authors emphasize the importance of remaining objective in your language to remain constructive and avoid blame/argumentation. Both authors include advice about expressing your needs, but Rosenberg includes an additional nuance to his final step: requesting the person you’re speaking with to reflect back what you expressed to them in their own words. He explains that this step can save time and struggle down the road by catching any misunderstandings immediately. As you respond to their reflection, make sure you express gratitude for their willingness to understand you and own up to any misunderstandings). |
Why We Aren’t Open About Our Needs
The Gottmans explain that society conditions us to suppress our needs. Men are expected to be tough and taught that needs are a sign of weakness. Women are commonly taught that expressing needs makes you appear needy and unattractive. Along with experiencing these cultural influences, we’ve all faced rejection after being vulnerable about our needs, whether during childhood or in a past romantic relationship. The Gottmans explain that rejection at our most vulnerable moments teaches us we’re not important or that having needs is bad. This can make us afraid to become vulnerable again. As a result, we convey our needs indirectly and hope our partners pick up on them to avoid any pain.
| Embrace Vulnerability with Bravery and Self-Acceptance In The Power of Vulnerability, Brené Brown agrees that your gender influences your perception of how vulnerable you can be. She adds that people in certain high-power job roles such as executives and lawyers often feel they can’t show vulnerability. She argues that, contrary to the common view of vulnerability as a weakness, admitting a need or sharing personally sensitive information is a sign of strength. It takes bravery to open up to someone without knowing how they’ll judge you, rather than concealing it because you fear what they might think of you. If you’ve faced rejection that prevents you from freely expressing your needs, the authors of Difficult Conversations emphasize that it’s important to remember you’re worthy of expressing your thoughts and feelings—even if they lead to a difficult conversation. What should you do if you feel insecure about speaking honestly about an uncomfortable topic with your partner—like telling them you feel you’ve been handling an unfair amount of house chores? The authors of Difficult Conversations recommend you explore why you feel that way: Ask yourself who made you feel unworthy or incapable of bringing your concerns forward, and what it would take to feel OK about expressing yourself fully.) |
The Consequences of Not Communicating Our Needs
Until we recognize that we must communicate our needs clearly, we may rationalize why our needs are unmet by criticizing our partners, which will lead to resentment. In our minds, our failure to communicate becomes their problem, not ours.
If we justify our resentfulness by viewing our partner negatively, our perspective of them becomes skewed. We may begin to criticize their character, rather than their actions (or our own). If we’ve been stockpiling resentment for a while, it’s tempting to ambush our partner by pointing out their shortcomings. Doing this can make our partner defensive and trigger an unproductive argument. The Gottmans explain that criticisms of our partner’s habits or character can’t be constructive if they’re delivered with long-stockpiled feelings of frustration.
| Take Responsibility for Your Emotions In Nonviolent Communication, Marshall B. Rosenberg emphasizes that we have control over our emotions by choosing the way we react to our circumstances, even when we feel tempted to blame external circumstances (like our partner) for our unpleasant feelings and unmet needs. This doesn’t mean our feelings aren’t warranted, but it’s important to recognize that our reactions and expectations cause our emotions. So that you’re not blaming your partner for your emotions, avoid these three accusatory ways of speaking: Using “it” and “that” to label the cause of your feelings (like “That makes me nervous” or “It annoys me when you do that”). Such language implies that something external is causing your feelings. Using a pronoun other than “I” after the phrase “I feel this emotion because.” For example, “I feel sad because he didn’t show up” or “I feel annoyed because she isn’t here yet.” Correctly labeling a feeling, but attributing it to someone or something else, like “When you forgot my birthday, I felt lonely.” |
