Do you find yourself focusing on the negative aspects of your relationship? What if you could shift your perspective and appreciate your partner more?
In The Love Prescription, Julie Schwartz Gottman and John Gottman share their wisdom on recognizing and appreciating your partner’s positive actions. Their research shows that successful couples maintain a high ratio of positive to negative interactions.
Read on to discover how to overcome negativity bias and transform the way you see the world.
Overcoming Negativity Bias
In their book, the Gottmans share advice on how to overcome negativity bias, especially when it comes to our relationship partners. Negativity bias is our tendency to view things—in this case, our partners—with a negatively skewed perspective. This bias is programmed into our evolutionary design: Noticing problems helps our survival.
(Shortform note: According to some experts, the constant pressure of environmental dangers our ancestors faced would’ve led them to develop a negativity bias to survive. For example, ancestors who were biased to notice the threat of a dwindling food supply would feel more inclined to forage for additional food than those who didn’t fixate on this threat.)
Because we’re naturally wired to focus on the problems in our lives, we commonly fail to notice our partner’s kind and helpful acts, and we often assume the worst when a chore isn’t done or they miss an important event. We’re also subject to our partner’s negativity bias, so we feel frustrated that our own efforts go unnoticed. All of this can cause resentment to accumulate and accelerate a negative feedback loop that fuels more and more negativity.
(Shortform note: Our negativity bias also makes us more susceptible to comparison traps by intensifying our focus on what we lack compared to others. Social networking sites amplify this effect by presenting idealized versions of others’ lives, so it’s easier to make negative comparisons. According to some researchers, this harms your well-being. When you passively scroll through positive posts, you tend to feel envy and dissatisfaction, worsening your mood and self-esteem. These negative feelings lead you to continue making damaging comparisons, creating a vicious loop that erodes your happiness and adds unnecessary stress.)
The Gottmans explain that, when we feel our partner is unkind or unhelpful, it’s typically not that our partner needs to do positive things more often (though this can sometimes be true). The Gottmans cite research showing that participants failed to notice an average of 50% of the kind or helpful deeds their partner performed. The researchers found that the difference between happy and unhappy couples wasn’t that happy ones were doing more kind deeds for each other—it was that happy couples were better at noticing and acknowledging kind deeds when they happened.
(Shortform note: According to the Gottman Institute, another type of bias that may prevent you from noticing the kind deeds your partner performs is confirmation bias. Whereas negativity bias is our natural tendency to focus on problems, confirmation bias is our habit of seeking information that affirms our existing beliefs. For example, if you believe your partner doesn’t prioritize you, you may assume that they’re late for dinner because they don’t value your time together. In reality, your partner could’ve been running behind because they were picking up your favorite dessert.)
Training Your Brain for Positivity
The Gottmans explain that, to combat negativity bias, you need to train your brain to see the positive things your partner does. Not only will this help you and your partner feel appreciated for what you do, but it will help you notice and appreciate all of the good things your partner does. By promoting appreciation instead of criticism, you’ll cultivate a healthier relationship.
In their research, the Gottmans found that during conflicts, successful couples share five positive interactions for every negative one. Positive interactions might look like an empathetic comment, a smile, or a compliment. Negative interactions include criticism and blaming. As for regular interactions (not in conflict), the Gottmans found that successful couples have 20 positive interactions for every negative one.
(Shortform note: In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen R. Covey provides an additional reason it’s important to have a high ratio of positive to negative interactions: It builds trust and emotional security. He explains that positive actions are an investment in your emotional bank account—a metaphor for the trust and goodwill that exist in a relationship. Recognizing your partner’s efforts, empathetic listening, or simply spending quality time together are deposits that support your relationship’s emotional health. Regularly making these deposits ensures that the account remains balanced and healthy, which can compensate for inevitable withdrawals, such as misunderstandings or conflicts.)
Fortunately, we can retrain our thoughts to be more positive because our brains are neuroplastic: highly malleable and capable of change. Neuroplasticity allows us to form new thought patterns and consciously train our brains to see our relationships in a brighter light.
(Shortform note: Does neuroplasticity fade as we age? According to some experts, your brain’s neuroplasticity does decrease over time, but your brain retains a significant ability to adapt throughout your life. As you age, the number of young neurons in your brain diminishes and your brain starts to shrink after reaching maturity. However, there’s no strict age limit to retraining your brain. Regardless of age, you can still learn new skills, such as a language. The key is keeping your brain healthy into old age. One way you can keep your brain in shape is with regular mental exercise, such as puzzles or board games.)
Let’s explore two of the Gottmans’ tips for retraining your brain to appreciate your partner.
Tip 1: Watch your partner closely and focus on the positive things they do. Pay attention to even their routine, mundane-seeming tasks. Express your gratitude for the things you notice.
(Shortform note: One expert suggests incorporating regular reflection in your daily routine to help you notice and recall things you appreciate about your partner. Take a moment before dinner to pause and think about things your partner has done throughout the day that you appreciate. By dedicating a moment to reflection on what you’re grateful for at dinner (when you’re more likely to be sitting with your partner), you’ll also give yourself a good opportunity to share what you appreciate with your partner.)
Tip 2: Switch who does which household chores. For instance, if your partner typically cares for your houseplants, try it for a day. Doing so will help you appreciate and thank them for the nuanced effort and thoughtfulness that their tasks require.
(Shortform note: Reversing roles may also be a good way to empathize with your partner and become aware of ways you can help them more effectively in day-to-day life. In How Will You Measure Your Life?, Clay Christensen explains that we often incorrectly assume the needs of our partners. Thus, when we go to help them, we miss the mark and leave their true needs unfulfilled. Christensen explains that taking time to empathize with your partner and understand how you can help them can build a stronger, more trusting relationship.)
