Is the spark in your relationship still alive? What small changes could make a big difference in your love life?
The Love Prescription, a book by relationship experts and married couple Julie Schwartz Gottman and John Gottman, reveals how daily acts of kindness and connection can transform your partnership. Their seven-day plan offers practical tips to help couples thrive.
Continue reading to learn the Gottmans’ advice for lasting love.
The Love Prescription Book Overview
What’s the secret to a successful, lasting relationship? The Love Prescription, a book by Julie Schwartz Gottman and John Gottman, compiles years of relationship research to explain that long-lasting love is sustained by small, daily acts. The key to a healthy relationship lies in regularly practicing gestures such as expressing gratitude for your partner’s admirable actions, asking deep questions to stay connected with your partner over time, and making time for date night no matter what.
The Gottmans, who are married, have spent their careers studying the science behind successful relationships and sharing their findings in books such as The Man’s Guide to Women and Eight Dates. They also founded The Gottman Institute, an organization dedicated to improving relationships through research-based assessments and tools.
In The Love Prescription, the Gottmans present their research and advice as a seven-day action plan to help you improve your romantic relationship. For simplicity, we’ve grouped these seven daily practices into three sections: appreciating your partner, expressing your needs clearly, and embracing opportunities to connect.
Appreciate Your Partner
According to the authors, successful couples don’t necessarily do more kind deeds for each other, but they’re better at noticing and acknowledging them when they occur. We’ll first discuss how negativity bias can make it difficult to see our partners in a loving light. Then, we’ll discuss how to retrain your brain to see more of the good things your partner does. Finally, we’ll explain why it’s important to compliment your partner—and how to make these compliments meaningful.
Overcome Negativity Bias to Appreciate Your Partner
We all have a negativity bias. This is our tendency to view things—in this case, our partners—with a negatively skewed perspective. This negativity is programmed into our evolutionary design: Noticing problems helps our survival.
Because we’re naturally wired to focus on the problems in our lives, we commonly fail to notice our partner’s kind and helpful acts, and we often assume the worst when a chore isn’t done or they miss an important event. We’re also subject to our partner’s negativity bias, so we feel frustrated that our own efforts go unnoticed. All of this can cause resentment to accumulate and accelerate a negative feedback loop that fuels more and more negativity.
The Gottmans explain that when we feel our partner is unkind or unhelpful, it’s typically not that our partner needs to do positive things more often (though this can sometimes be true). The Gottmans cite research showing that participants failed to notice an average of 50% of the kind or helpful deeds their partner performed. The researchers found that the difference between happy and unhappy couples wasn’t that happy ones were doing more kind deeds for each other—it was that happy couples were better at noticing and acknowledging kind deeds when they happened.
How to Retrain Your Brain for Positivity
The Gottmans explain that, to combat negativity bias, you need to train your brain to see the positive things your partner does. Not only will this help you and your partner feel appreciated for what you do, but it will help you notice and appreciate all of the good things your partner does. By promoting appreciation instead of criticism, you’ll cultivate a healthier relationship.
In their research, the Gottmans found that during conflicts, successful couples share five positive interactions for every negative one. Positive interactions might look like an empathetic comment, a smile, or a compliment. Negative interactions include criticism and blaming. As for regular interactions (not in conflict), the Gottmans found that successful couples have 20 positive interactions for every negative one.
Fortunately, we can retrain our thoughts to be more positive because our brains are neuroplastic: highly malleable and capable of change. Neuroplasticity allows us to form new thought patterns and consciously train our brains to see our relationships in a brighter light.
Let’s explore two of the Gottmans’ tips for retraining your brain to appreciate your partner.
Tip 1: Watch your partner closely and focus on the positive things they do. Pay attention to even their routine, mundane-seeming tasks. Express your gratitude for the things you notice.
Tip 2: Switch who does which household chores. For instance, if your partner typically cares for your houseplants, try it for a day. Doing so will help you appreciate and thank them for the nuanced effort and thoughtfulness that their tasks require.
Give Your Partner a Good Compliment
Beyond expressing gratitude for your partner’s actions, it’s also important to recognize and compliment your partner’s character. So, reflect on the character traits you most admire about your partner and share these with them as often as you think of them.
The Gottmans explain that focusing on what you value in your partner is better for your relationship than trying to change your partner’s areas of growth. Character flaws are inevitable and difficult to change, so shifting your perspective is a more sustainable path to a happy relationship. In a study where the Gottmans kept in touch with over 3,000 couples for 20 years, they found that happy, successful couples who stay together long-term can readily name qualities they admire about their partners.
Here are two tips the Gottmans provide to help you give your partner meaningful compliments:
- Reflect on what attracted you to your partner in the first place. What about them grabbed your attention and won your heart? Let your partner know when they demonstrate these qualities.
- List the qualities you most admire about your partner, and let them know any time they manifest these in your daily life together.
Express Your Needs Clearly
It’s easy to assume that our partners know (or should know) our needs and desires—but unless you express yourself clearly, you’ll likely never be on the same page. For example, you might think your partner should realize you don’t have time to fold the laundry because you’re so busy with work. However, they might assume you’ll do it because it’s normally a chore you do. This type of miscommunication can lead to pent-up resentment and conflict.
To explore how to overcome such miscommunication, we’ll first cover the authors’ explanation for why we aren’t open about our needs in the first place. We’ll then discuss the consequences of neglecting our needs and look at the authors’ tips to address them effectively.
Why We Aren’t Open About Our Needs
The Gottmans explain that society conditions us to suppress our needs. Men are expected to be tough and taught that needs are a sign of weakness. Women are commonly taught that expressing needs makes you appear needy and unattractive. Along with experiencing these cultural influences, we’ve all faced rejection after being vulnerable about our needs, whether during childhood or in a past romantic relationship. The Gottmans explain that rejection at our most vulnerable moments teaches us we’re not important or that having needs is bad. This can make us afraid to become vulnerable again. As a result, we convey our needs indirectly and hope our partners pick up on them to avoid any pain.
The Consequences of Not Communicating Our Needs
Until we recognize that we must communicate our needs clearly, we may rationalize why our needs are unmet by criticizing our partners, which will lead to resentment. In our minds, our failure to communicate becomes their problem, not ours.
If we justify our resentfulness by viewing our partner negatively, our perspective of them becomes skewed. We may begin to criticize their character, rather than their actions (or our own). If we’ve been stockpiling resentment for a while, it’s tempting to ambush our partner by pointing out their shortcomings. Doing this can make our partner defensive and trigger an unproductive argument. The Gottmans explain that criticisms of our partner’s habits or character can’t be constructive if they’re delivered with long-stockpiled feelings of frustration.
How to Ask for What You Need in a Positive Way
The Gottmans explain that you should frame your needs in a way that’s constructive rather than critical when you discuss them with your partner. The authors describe a three-step process for doing so:
- Describe the way you feel without criticizing your partner. Avoid negative, absolute statements about their personality (such as “you never do this” or “you always do that.”)
- Explain the circumstances that led you to feel in need of something. When doing this, don’t blame your partner. Instead, give them grace and speak in neutral, constructive terms.
- Describe what you need going forward. Be specific and frame this positively as an opportunity for your partner to help you.
Here’s an example of what these steps might look like in action: To start a conversation with your partner, you might say, “Lately, I’ve been feeling sad because I haven’t had time to do any creative writing, which is really important to me (describing the way you feel). Work and home chores have demanded so much of us both lately (explaining the circumstances), but I’d really appreciate it if you could handle my home chores one night each week to give me some time to write (describing what you need going forward).
Embrace Opportunities to Connect
The Gottmans emphasize that connection is key for relationships. The more often you share touches and make time for your partner, the happier and more sustainable your relationship will be. We’ll explore four forms of connection that the Gottmans say matter most.
Respond Positively When Your Partner Reaches Out
Opportunities for connection with your partner don’t have to be grand, but you should seize them often. The Gottmans explain that it’s important to respond positively when your partner makes an effort to connect with you. Efforts to connect can range from a sigh to a dinner invitation. They say there are three ways to respond to your partner’s efforts to share an experience:
- Positive response: When your partner reaches out, you welcome their effort and reach back. For example, if your partner comments on a party the two of you just left, you affirm their reaction and encourage a conversation.
- Neutral (indifferent) response: When your partner reaches out, you either don’t notice it or ignore it. For example, you ignore your partner’s comment about the party and scroll your phone instead.
- Negative Response: When your partner reaches out, you directly reject them. For example, if your partner brings up the party, you tell them to leave you alone.
When you embrace opportunities for connection, you’re investing in a supportive foundation that wards off resentment. The authors explain that when you offer your partner loving attention most of the time, it’ll prevent them from holding grudges against you for the rare times you slip and upset them.
The Gottmans underscore that responding positively to your partner’s outreaches is the most significant thing you can do to cultivate a happy, successful relationship. The authors performed a study where they observed couples’ interactions for a weekend. They found that people who responded positively to 86% of their partners’ outreaches were still together after six years. By contrast, people in couples who’d broken up after six years only responded positively to 33% of their partner’s outreaches.
How to Create Opportunities for Connection
To stay closely connected with your partner, the authors suggest dedicating 10 minutes to checking in with your partner every day. During this time, ask your partner if there’s anything you can do to support them today. This lets your partner know you care about helping them to reflect on their feelings and needs in a supportive environment. Take time to listen and do whatever it takes to fulfill their request. This builds trust, which will improve your relationship.
Stay Curious About Each Other
As we settle into long-term relationships with our partners, the big questions we used to ask each other with curiosity turn into logistical and practical questions (for example, “Did you take the dog out?”). However, the Gottmans explain that maintaining curiosity is key to healthy relationships. Here’s why:
- We’re constantly changing and growing. Your partner’s answers to questions that you asked at the start of your relationship could be different now. To connect with your partner and support them, stay in touch with who they are as they change.
- You’ll understand your partner more deeply. This will help you empathize with them and understand their fears, beliefs, and aspirations behind their actions. This understanding and empathy will encourage cooperation and prevent resentment.
- You’ll help keep your relationship exciting. Learning new things about your partner is an adventure. It keeps that “first date feeling” alive.
How to Ask Deep Questions
To maintain curiosity in your relationship, ask your partner deep questions. The Gottmans explain when you’re asking deep questions, it’s helpful to make them open-ended to allow your partner to reflect more and come up with a personal, meaningful response. For example, you could ask your partner to name a place they’ve traveled to that they’d like to revisit. Encourage them to elaborate and take time to listen. If you have a difficult time getting the conversation off the ground, pose a question and answer it to lead by example.
Prioritize Physical Affection
The Gottmans explain that physical affection is vital to physical health and the health of your romantic relationship. Let’s explore a few reasons why.
First, physical affection releases oxytocin. Oxytocin is a hormone that enhances feelings of intimacy and trust, bonding you and your partner. It also helps your body relax and heal by shifting you into a parasympathetic “rest and repair” mode. On the other hand, touch deprivation increases the stress hormone cortisol. When this hormone activates chronically, it increases your blood pressure, inhibits digestion, and weakens your immune system. For example, one study the authors cite found that expecting mothers who received 15 minutes of daily massage from their partners had a lower likelihood of postpartum depression (22%) compared to those who didn’t receive massages (66%).
Second, more touch can lead to increased libido for you and your partner, which can be fun for both of you. However, the Gottmans explain that touch is valuable in and of itself, so don’t feel pressured to progress toward sex every time. Enjoy nonsexual touch for all of the ways it improves trust and intimacy.
How to be More Physically Affectionate
The touches you share with your partner can be very beneficial—for your mind, your body, and your relationship. But the authors emphasize that it’s important to understand what your partner is comfortable with and share your own preferences with them so that you’re both receiving physical affection that’s comfortable and desirable.
Your culture and past experiences can influence what types of touch you and your partner find comfortable and desirable. The Gottmans cite a study suggesting that touch behaviors vary widely across cultures. If your partner has a history of abuse, touch can do more harm than good if it isn’t done considerately.
To help your partner feel safe and excited about touch, ask them what types of physical affection they’re open to receiving. Then, touch as much as possible within the boundaries you establish. The authors challenge you to a few touch goals each day:
- Hug for 20 seconds. A 20-second hug has been shown to provide a significant dose of beneficial oxytocin to your bloodstream.
- Have a 6-second kiss.
- Hold hands as often as you can.
Schedule a Date
Day-to-day life can consume so much of our time and attention, so it’s important to invest in time for your relationship. The Gottmans emphasize that you should make time for a date with your partner at least once per week, no matter what. Dates are opportunities to dedicate yourselves to the goals discussed throughout the book and have fun. Here are some guidelines the authors provide to make the most of your dates:
- Dates don’t have to be extravagant or expensive, as long as they involve time alone with your partner.
- Keep phones and other screens out of the picture. Focus on giving your partner your full attention, face-to-face.
- Ask thoughtful, open-ended questions.
- Make sure you’re both comfortable with and excited about the date idea.
