Do you often think badly about other people in your life? Do you feel guilty for having these negative thoughts?
In addition to internal hurdles, Phil Stutz and Barry Michels explain in their book The Tools that we sometimes have to reconcile with problematic people in our lives. It’s important to overcome your negative emotions about others so you can continue to grow as a person.
Here’s how to stop thinking negatively about others.
Why You Need to Heal Your Resentments
When you chronically ruminate on your negative thoughts about someone, you’re hindering your growth by pulling your attention away from self-improvement. The authors explain that you can’t change the past and you can’t always achieve satisfactory justice. By learning how to stop thinking negatively about others, you’ll be able to move on. For example, if you experience a difficult breakup, you might yearn to change how you behaved leading up to the separation or wish to receive a sincere apology from your former partner. You can’t change what happened, but you can do your best to learn from it and love better moving forward.
(Shortform note: It can be difficult to accept that you can’t control a situation and move on because it may feel like you’re giving up. In The Obstacle is The Way, Ryan Holiday explains that although acceptance can feel like an unsatisfactorily passive solution, Stoics consider it an act of strength. This is because acceptance can require a lot of self-control in order not to fret over how unfair a situation may seem and to wish it were another way. In this regard, we can also see how the Stoic virtues we discussed earlier can aid with acceptance. Wisdom helps you discern that your actions can’t change what happened in the past, and temperance helps you overcome any unproductive temptations you might have to ruminate.)
Resentful feelings can also aggravate your interactions with others. If you feel strong negative emotions toward someone you’re having a conversation with, this will be obvious and it may provoke an intense emotional reaction from them. This will only put you in a position to hurt each other. On the other hand, if you approach a difficult conversation or problematic person from a place of love, you’ll exude a calm confidence. This will help you manage your negative emotions and express yourself more clearly. When you’re calm and clear, you’ll also help the person you’re speaking with remain calm. As a result, your conversations will be more constructive.
(Shortform note: One possible way to approach a conversation from a place of love is by giving the person you’re conflicting with a compliment. In Leadership Strategy and Tactics, Jocko Willink explains that by doing this, you’ll also come off as secure and confident. This will gain you the respect of whomever you’re talking with and encourage them to hear you out. To deliver an effective compliment, make sure it’s sincere. An insincere compliment can backfire by weakening trust. Make your compliments more sincere and meaningful by noting something specific. It’s easier to do this if you pay close attention to the good things other people do—a practice that will also help you view your day-to-day more positively.)
How to Love Radically
When someone does something to make you upset or you’re about to deal with a difficult person, the authors say to imagine your heart expanding to accept the infinite love of the universe. Next, send the limitless love in your heart to whoever you’re experiencing negative feelings toward. Finally, imagine the love you’re sharing with them returning to you in an exchange that brings you together as one.
This exercise taps into the universal power of radiant love (the authors refer to this as outflow); that is, it helps you mimic the loving forces of the universe. To help you grasp the concept of radiant love, it might be useful to imagine the pure, unconditional love of a beloved pet. Despite our circumstances or attitude, our pets love us unceasingly.
(Shortform note: Research shows that imaginative strategies such as reappraisal encourage empathy and lead to forgiveness. Reappraisal involves reframing events in a new light to alter their emotional effect on you. For example, if someone has offended you, consider that their motivations might have been non-malicious. Perhaps you’ll forgive them. Forgiveness has been shown to decrease chronic negative emotions and promote positive emotions, improving general mental health. Given that Stutz and Michels’s heart-expanding strategy promotes empathy by prompting the person to visualize the experience of another person and imagine a loving connection with them, it could lead to some of the same benefits as reappraisal. Also, reappraisal is arguably another way to tap into radiant love.)
