Are you raising independent, unselfish children? Do you support your kids without stifling their growth?
In the psychology teachings of Alfred Adler, parenting gets significant attention. He offered a unique approach to child-rearing and education, emphasizing respect, guidance, and natural consequences over traditional rewards and punishments.
Read on to discover how Adler’s principles can transform your parenting or teaching style and help children thrive.
Educating and Rearing Children
In Kishimi and Koga’s discussion of the psychology teachings of Adler, parenting features significantly. Adler’s work frequently discusses how to raise and educate children. (In their book, the Youth originally went back to the Philosopher because he was struggling in his role as a teacher.)
According to the authors, instructing children—whether as an educator or a parent—means guiding them toward the same goals that everyone else has: independence and a sense of community. We’ll discuss how common mistakes in raising and educating children sabotage those goals. We’ll start by explaining how interfering too much in a child’s development stifles their ability to grow into independent adults, then we’ll discuss how imposing punishments and rewards (rather than letting children experience the natural consequences of their actions) hinders their ability to develop a strong sense of community.
Excessive Interference Stifles a Child’s Independence
Kishimi and Koga say that well-meaning parents and teachers often hinder children’s ability to become self-sufficient by meddling too much in their lives. When children are constantly subjected to direction and supervision, they may struggle to function independently later in life.
(Shortform note: Not only does excessive interference in a child’s life stunt their ability to make decisions and live independently, it’s likely to make them frustrated and resentful as well. Every time a parent or teacher takes a decision away from a child, they’re insulting that child’s intelligence—there’s an implication that the child isn’t competent enough to make the decision alone. It becomes even more frustrating when that decision is something trivial, like which clothes to wear each day; though the adult is only trying to help, it comes across as them thinking their child is incapable of picking their own outfit.)
Offer Children Respect and Guidance
In Adlerian terms, respect that’s freely given starts by recognizing someone for who they are as an individual. Once you recognize someone’s individuality, you don’t try to alter who they are—instead, you accept them in their current form with no stipulations. If you try to manipulate someone to make them be different, you’re not showing them respect. It may help if you consider “respect” to be synonymous with “trust.” The authors say that respecting someone means you have complete confidence in them, and therefore you don’t feel any need to change or manipulate them.
To foster independence in children, it’s essential to show them respect (as Adler defined it) and trust them to make their own decisions as much as possible. Children will almost certainly make mistakes along the way, but that’s just part of learning.
Therefore, the authors recommend that instead of just telling children what to do, you should offer guidance and support to help them make their own choices and learn from their experiences. Consider approaching your relationship with your children or students as a friendship rather than a work relationship—by treating them as equals and providing them with the tools and support they need to make informed decisions, you can help them develop the skills and confidence to become more independent.
| Tip: Consider Each Child’s Unique Needs Another way to think about how you approach your role as a caretaker or educator is to consider whether you’re supporting each child’s unique needs and goals. In Grit, psychologist Angela Duckworth presents a spectrum of parenting attitudes ranging from unsupportive to supportive. She explains that unsupportive parents don’t recognize their children’s individuality and try to push them toward what they (the parents) would do or would want for themselves. For instance, an unsupportive parent might try to force their child to join the Boy Scouts or a sports team because it aligns with the parent’s interests. This also applies to perfectionism: An unsupportive parent might demand perfect grades because they regret not working harder in school—or, conversely, they were gifted and did earn perfect grades, so they see no reason why their less-gifted child can’t do the same. (Note: Although Duckworth is specifically talking about parents, these principles are equally applicable for teachers to consider whether they’re supporting their students.) On the other hand, supportive parents accept their children’s unique strengths, weaknesses, and interests. Therefore, supportive parents don’t try to force their children to become idealized versions of themselves; instead, they help their children toward goals and decisions that are appropriate for the children. |
Rewards and Punishments Stifle a Child’s Sense of Community
Kishimi and Koga say that, in Adlerian psychology, neither punishments nor rewards are considered good ways to influence children’s behavior. There are various reasons why these approaches are ineffective, but they all stem from the idea that it’s inappropriate to interfere with another person’s tasks—in this case, the children’s tasks of learning and growing. Remember: according to Adler, your role is to offer guidance and support so that the children in your care can reach the goals they’ve chosen.
The Problem With Punishing “Bad” Behavior
Kishimi and Koga say that punishment isn’t an effective way to address problematic or disruptive behavior in children. This is because, when children misbehave, they’re rarely trying to cause actual harm; they’re often just trying to get attention or find their place in a social setting.
Since the goal of these behaviors is to receive special attention, even if it’s negative, punishment and reprimands are counterproductive. To create lasting change in a child’s behavior, it’s crucial to uncover and address the underlying issues that motivate their actions. Your ultimate goal should always be to protect the children under your care and reach a point of mutual understanding with them.
(Shortform note: The authors say that punishing children is ineffective, but there are times when children need to be reined in and controlled, which can be challenging without the threat of punishment. Talking isn’t always a practical solution because the child might be unwilling to talk to you or unable to articulate what’s wrong—or, if you’re a teacher, you might not be able to devote that much time to a single student. One way to correct behavior without explicitly punishing it is to just allow the child to face the natural consequences of their actions. For example, a child who makes fun of their classmates might find themselves eating lunch alone; that’s an opportunity to point out that people won’t want them around unless they start being nicer.)
Kishimi and Koga describe some types of problematic behavior in children and what the underlying problem might be for each.
Some children demonstrate positive behaviors as long as they’re praised for those behaviors. However, if they don’t receive praise, they’ll no longer practice those positive behaviors and may start acting out instead. This is because receiving praise from an authority figure makes them feel like they have an advantageous position over their peers—but, failing that, they’ll do whatever they can to keep your attention on them (and not on the other kids).
You can avoid this kind of attention-seeking behavior by offering every child unconditional respect. When you allow each child to be themselves and support their interests and personal goals without judgment, no child will feel the need to act out in order to stand out from their peers.
(Shortform note: Overcoming attention-seeking behavior will be easier if you help the child understand why they’re doing it—in other words, what emotional need they’re trying to fulfill. This is called emotion coaching, which means helping a child to understand and manage their own feelings. This is a skill that even many adults struggle with. For instance, in Atlas of the Heart, social worker Brené Brown says that people experience dozens of different emotions, but many of us can only recognize three: happiness, sadness, and anger. Helping a child build their emotional vocabulary and specifically identify what they’re feeling will go a long way toward overcoming this unwanted attention-seeking behavior.)
The previous type of behavior was a social power struggle between kids; another type of problematic behavior is a power struggle between a child and an adult. In these instances, the child may frequently engage in provocatory behavior and is likely to resist any guidance teachers and parents try to offer.
Reprimanding the child or arguing with them will only make matters worse because you’re giving in to their provocation, thereby showing that they do have power over you. Instead, focus on reasoning with the child: Help them to understand why they’re acting this way, and teach them how to behave more appropriately.
(Shortform note: The authors say that you should try to reason with a misbehaving child, but some psychologists argue that it can be harmful to assume a child’s behavior is deliberate. In many cases, their behavior is driven by emotions rather than logic. Remember that children’s emotional regulation skills aren’t fully developed yet; if they feel stressed or unsafe, they won’t be able to work through those feelings and engage with you rationally. Therefore, before you can correct a child’s behavior, you need to build trust and create an environment where they feel safe and loved.)
The Problem With Rewarding “Good” Behavior
According to Kishimi and Koga’s discussion of Adler’s ideas, praise and reward for positive behaviors can be just as harmful as punishment and reproach.
As we’ve already mentioned, in social settings like classrooms, praise can create an unhealthy environment for children. It can cause children to focus on doing good things to receive favor from authority figures, such as teachers or parents, rather than doing good for its own sake. The children will also view praise as something to be coveted and fought over and therefore start to see their classmates as competitors. This type of competition can be detrimental to a classroom community; it drives students to undermine each other and show off in order to stand out from their peers.
Instead, the authors say that you should promote a cooperative, communal atmosphere where the children can work together and support each other. This is preferable to a setting where they feel the need to fight over what they view as a limited resource (your praise).
| Tip: Leverage Children’s Intrinsic Motivation The overarching problem with rewards and punishments is that they’re external motivators. An authority figure hands down punishments and rewards, and so the children learn that they must please authority figures rather than developing independence and learning to support one another. Therefore, a more effective approach may be to take advantage of the children’s intrinsic motivations—their natural desires to learn and to overcome challenges. Here are a few ways you could do this: First, give children appropriate challenges: difficult enough to push their limits, but not so difficult that they give up. When an activity is just the right level of difficulty for a child, they’ll develop intense motivation and focus as they work to meet that challenge. Secondly, grant children autonomy (within reason) to make their own decisions about what to do and how to do it. Involving them in the decision-making process and giving them a sense of control will greatly boost their motivation and engagement—recall that Adler taught that people naturally strive for independence. Finally, emphasize that the learning process is more important than the outcome. Celebrate the children’s efforts, creativity, and perseverance; this approach fosters resilience and an eagerness to learn, while reducing the pressure and anxiety that often accompanies a fixation on performance. |
Exercise
If there are any children in your care, what’s one way you could show them respect (as Adler defined it) and bolster their independence? For example, instead of constantly fighting with a child to get them to do their homework, you could respect their decision and let them face the consequences of it: bad grades and uncomfortable conversations with their teacher.
