Are you having trouble getting a read on a person? Do you know how to get information out of someone?
A behavior profile can be an invaluable tool in understanding, relating to, and influencing someone. However, there may be times when you need even more information from someone—which they may not be eager to share.
If you’re stuck in this situation, keep reading to learn how to do some strategic prompting.
Eliciting Important Information
According to Hughes, the key to prompting others to share information is to make them feel like they’ve offered it willingly. You’ll get more information if your conversation feels natural than if it feels like an interrogation. Additionally, information-sharing tends to compound: The more information you obtain, the more of a connection the other person will feel with you, and the more that person will continue to open up.
| Why People Share More If They Feel They’re Doing It Willingly The reason people will share more if they feel they’re doing so willingly may relate to the psychological concept of the self-determination theory. This theory posits that people have a basic need for autonomy, or feeling in control of their actions. If people feel like they’re in control of the situation, they may feel more intrinsically motivated to share information—whereas, when they feel out of control, they’ll need to be motivated by extrinsic factors like receiving a reward or avoiding a punishment. Additionally, people sometimes feel threatened when they’re questioned, which can make them less forthcoming—particularly with incriminating information. Because of their focus on creating a natural conversation based on connection, Hughes’s techniques may reduce the perceived threat or sense of interrogation in your interaction, which can get you more information. |
We’ll explain how to get information out of someone with leading statements, flattery, complaint baiting, and mirroring their speech. You can use your behavior profile to enhance these techniques, or you can use them on their own if you haven’t yet formed your behavior profile.
Technique #1: Leading Statements
According to Hughes, you can use leading statements to prod someone to share information you’re interested in. These are statements meant to provoke a response from the other person on a topic you’ve subtly introduced. For example, if you’re speaking to your child’s new teacher and want to get a sense of how much homework they assign, you could say, “I bet you spend a lot of time grading students’ homework.” If they respond with, “Yes, it takes about two hours each day to get through it all,” then you know they assign a lot of homework. Alternatively, if they say, “Not really, I spend more time grading in-class work,” then you can assume this teacher assigns less homework.
By doing this instead of directly asking “Do you assign a lot of homework?” the teacher won’t feel interrogated or get defensive. Instead, they’ll feel a connection with you because you made an empathetic statement that highlighted their hard work.
(Shortform note: You may also want to ask questions that provoke a response from the other person. In Spy the Lie, the authors recommend asking loaded questions to get more information from someone you’re talking to. Loaded questions beg a response beyond a simple “yes” or “no.” For example, you might say to your child’s teacher, “It seems like middle schoolers these days have more homework than I did when I was a kid—why is that?”.)
Technique #2: Flattery
When receiving compliments, most people feel naturally inclined to deflect them in order to appear modest. According to Hughes, the details of the deflection can reveal significant information. For example, if you attend a musical performance and speak to the performer afterward, you might say, “That was incredible, you’re clearly very talented.” They’re likely to respond with modesty: “Oh no, I’m lucky because my parents were able to get me private lessons as a child.” This tells you multiple pieces of information: This person has been working on their craft for years and they’re not self-taught, and it even gives you a glimpse into their family’s socioeconomic status.
(Shortform note: Experts suggest that the reason we feel the need to deflect compliments is because they catch us by surprise, and surprise is an uncomfortable sensation that makes us feel emotionally vulnerable and not in control. By deflecting the compliment, we reestablish control and lessen that discomfort. People with low-self esteem may also find that the compliment conflicts with their current views of themselves, which can cause cognitive dissonance—an inconsistency between their beliefs (a negative self-view) and the world around them (someone else’s positive view of them). Cognitive dissonance is another uncomfortable feeling that we have an instinctual need to get rid of by rejecting what triggered it.)
Technique #3: Complaint Baiting
According to Hughes, complaining or venting feels freeing. This feeling of freedom can cause someone to get carried away, often disclosing more information (or more sensitive information) than they usually would—thus establishing a connection with you. To bait someone into complaining, casually comment on a negative aspect of something they experience that’s related to the information you want from them.
For example, imagine you’re a therapist working with a child who’s struggling with their parents’ divorce, but is reluctant to open up. When you ask them about school, they roll their eyes. Seizing on that, you say, “It must be frustrating to focus on your schoolwork while things are so difficult at home.” They respond, “Yeah, especially my English class. I’m supposed to spend an hour every day at home reading, but my dad moving out is so distracting I can’t concentrate.” You’ve now made a connection with this client and have opened the door to further conversation.
(Shortform note: While someone’s complaints can be very telling, habitual complaining can be harmful. Complaining can help us feel validated and connected to others, but it also may lead to rumination, constant complaining, or playing the victim. This can push others away from you and create a negative environment. Thus, if you’re trying to elicit information from an employee or someone you interact with regularly, prompting complaints frequently may backfire in the long run by damaging team morale or rapport.)
Technique #4: Speech Mirroring
Hughes explains that you can elicit information by reflecting what someone has said back to them. Reflecting someone’s ideas makes them feel seen and heard, which creates a bond with them and prompts them to share more. One way you can do this is by simply repeating the last three words of their statement.
For example, you’re at a community event, and you overhear a stranger remark, “I love the annual sci-fi convention here, I never miss it.” You mirror, “Never miss it?” The stranger, feeling acknowledged, opens up with enthusiasm: “Yeah, the speakers are always fantastic! And between you and me, I heard George Lucas is doing a panel this year.” Your simple, mirrored reply has now sparked an engaging conversation about a shared passion, as well as some insight into a possible special guest.
Hughes notes that for best results, mirror the general idea of what the other person has said to you and then follow it up with a leading statement. For example, imagine you’re at a speed dating event and want to quickly learn as much as you can about the other person’s career and interests before it’s time to switch dates. They mention that they’re a special needs teacher who’s worked in the local school system for seven years, so you say, “Special needs? That sounds like a rewarding job.” This combination of mirroring and a leading statement will prompt your date to share a ton of information.
| Why Mirroring Works and Additional Tips While Hughes focuses on making a conscious effort to mirror others, research shows that mirroring happens automatically as well. This is a result of the mirror neuron system in our brains, which experts say evolved to help us better understand each other and form closer bonds. In other words, we’re wired to feel good about mirroring—which is likely why it helps so much with connection, communication, and conflict resolution. Other experts provide additional tips for mirroring techniques: In How to Talk to Anyone, Leil Lowndes explains that you can further utilize mirroring by matching someone’s mood, using supportive statements like “I see what you mean,” and using words that imply friendship like “we” and “us.” You could also combine Lowndes’s supportive statements with Hughes’s leading statements—for example, “I understand how you feel, I can only imagine how rewarding that job must be”—to enhance the empathetic bond you’re aiming to create. |
