Have you suffered a profound loss? Do you have grief that hasn’t yet found its expression in mourning?
In her book It’s OK That You’re Not OK, Megan Devine reframes grief as a nuanced, enduring experience that defies societal expectations of recovery. She advocates for self-compassion and community support while integrating loss into one’s life journey.
Keep reading for an overview of this book that gently offers practical strategies for coping with grief’s multifaceted impact.
Overview of It’s OK That You’re Not OK (Megan Devine)
Profound grief devastates us as we grapple with loss. In It’s OK That You’re Not OK, Megan Devine offers a new approach to navigating the depths of mourning. She challenges society’s assumptions that grief follows a linear path or should be “cured.” Instead, she recognizes grief as a complex, ongoing process that requires compassion rather than a quick fix.
The author provides tools for managing grief’s physical and emotional toll while emphasizing the need for supportive communities. Rather than striving to “move on” from grief, her emphasis is on weaving loss into one’s life with kindness to oneself and loved ones. Ultimately, she reveals how love persists through the darkness of profound sorrow.
The Effects of Profound Grief
Devine examines the intense and often overwhelming impact of profound grief on individuals who have experienced a significant loss. The suddenness of a loss can render a person completely bewildered and broken. Grief disrupts the anticipated progression of events in life. Profound experiences may cause considerable disruptions to an individual’s emotional and mental well-being, as well as their bodily health. People inherently require that their profound grief be recognized and validated by those around them. Grieving often results in a deep feeling of loneliness and the impression that one’s suffering is beyond the understanding of others. Let’s take a closer look at these effects of grief.
Effect #1: Grief Disrupts Everyday Life
Profound grief is often compared to a significant detour from the expected journey of life. The world once recognizable to someone who has suffered a significant loss appears to crumble, altering all that was once known to them. The suffering is comparable to being suddenly propelled into a different reality where the usual pace of life is violently interrupted by a powerful surge of sorrow.
Effect #2: Grief Harms Physical Health & Psychological Well-Being
Devine poignantly conveys the chaos that ensues after experiencing a significant bereavement, expressing the intense grief that came with the sudden demise of their friend. She portrays the struggle of outwardly maintaining normalcy while battling severe internal chaos. Devine challenges the notion that grief is a catalyst for self-improvement, underscoring that those content with their existence prior to facing bereavement did not need such adversity to cultivate personal growth.
Effect #3: Grief Makes You Feel Alone
The book delves into Devine’s quest for personal narratives from those who have endured deep sorrow, emphasizing tales that eschew the rush for swift alleviation of their suffering. She points out that, when others fail to comprehend someone’s sorrow, it can result in a sense of isolation and an urgent requirement for direction in navigating the profoundly changed terrain of their existence.
The Importance of Acknowledging Grief
Acknowledging and expressing grief is highlighted as a crucial step toward healing. Recognizing the depth of grief in those who are grieving the loss of a loved one pays tribute to their suffering, affirming that their distress is deserving of recognition and esteem. Devine depicts the journey through grief as an intensely individual process, one that can be truly comprehended solely by individuals who have endured their own personal bereavement.
Devine provides profound perspectives, illustrating that navigating grief is an isolating and perplexing journey, starkly different from what seems to be the world’s usual state. She explores the profound isolation that arises when it appears that others minimize and do not understand the intensity of a person’s pain. Devine emphasizes the importance of recognizing grief, offering solace through respecting and accepting its true character rather than attempting to mend the anguish.
In her candid examination, Devine stresses the significance of recognizing grief in its purest form, delivering a powerful message about the essential human requirement for genuine connection in times of severe difficulty.
Myths About Grief
Society often underestimates the profound emotional impact of grief, viewing it as a dysfunction that needs fixing rather than a natural response. Harmful assumptions suggest grief is temporary and that people should quickly move past it. These cultural norms exacerbate the suffering of those in mourning.
The traditional framework of sequential grieving phases has proven inadequate, giving rise to the need for a new approach. Grief is now recognized as a complex, non-linear process rather than a series of orderly stages. It requires compassion and understanding, not treatment as a problem to be solved.
Devine advocates for a transformative approach in how society views and handles grief, emphasizing the need to honor its complexity and individual nature.
Myth #1: Grief Is a Disorder to Be “Fixed” or “Moved on” From Quickly
Reality: Grief is a natural response to loss and doesn’t follow a set timeline.
Devine contends that, in our culture, grief is frequently regarded as a deviation or malady that diverges from life’s anticipated trajectory. We often show our unease by urging others to “move on” and demonstrating a prevalent impatience with the length of their grief. The misconception exacerbates the pain of the bereaved by implying that their natural response to bereavement is either unusual or unduly prolonged.
Devine proposes a model of grief support that involves standing with the griever, rather than attempting to fix their pain. She underscores the value of valuing the assistance from others and understanding that grief is a natural part of life, instead of hastening to alleviate it. The modern perspective acknowledges that grief shouldn’t be treated as a malady requiring a cure, but instead calls for a sympathetic method that assists people in integrating their experiences into a redefined existence tailored to their unique circumstances.
Myth #2: Prolonged Grief Is Abnormal & Should Be Medically Labeled
Reality: Grief is a unique experience for each individual and shouldn’t be pathologized.
Sorrow that persists beyond socially accepted timeframes is frequently diagnosed or given medical terminology, such as “extended mourning” or “disorder.” Describing the journey through grief with specific labels can alienate mourners and exacerbate their pain with added guilt and loneliness, thus hindering their path to recovery. The perception that prolonged grief is considered inappropriate pushes those in mourning further into solitude and bewilderment, as their pain doesn’t conform to societal expectations.
Myth #3: Grief Follows a Fixed & Orderly Sequence of Stages
Reality: Grief is a unique mixture of emotions that varies from person to person and doesn’t adhere to a prescribed set of stages.
The widespread misunderstanding that mourning progresses in a fixed and orderly sequence of phases misrepresents the stage-based grief model introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. Devine highlights the notion that grief doesn’t follow a prescribed set of stages to surmount—but is instead a distinct mixture of affection and sorrow that varies from person to person.
How to Live With Grief
Grief profoundly affects individuals, often manifesting through physical symptoms like sleep disturbances, intense emotions, and memory difficulties. Devine offers a comprehensive exploration of strategies to manage grief’s impact on physical, mental, and emotional well-being. Her work examines methods for navigating the complex interplay between grief’s physical manifestations and the resulting emotional turmoil.
#1: Manage Your Stress
Devine proposes a series of actions to alleviate these challenges:
- Identify stress triggers and relievers.
- Recognize early signs of being overwhelmed.
- Determine activities that positively contribute to your energy reserves.
She emphasizes the importance of stress management and seeking tranquility by cultivating self-compassion and reducing unnecessary distress.
#2: Cultivate Self-Compassion
Devine advocates for nurturing kindness towards oneself during periods of grief. Embracing painful experiences with compassion and avoiding harsh self-judgment can help alleviate the intensity of sorrow. She recommends:
- Engaging in calming activities
- Identifying pursuits that provide a sense of solace
- Treating yourself with the same compassion you would show a close friend
#3: Get Creative
Devine highlights the therapeutic potential of creative outlets such as writing, art-making, and journaling in the grieving process. These activities offer:
- A means of expression and navigation through grief
- A way to maintain enduring bonds with deceased loved ones
- Comfort for those in mourning
- An outlet for expressing feelings beyond words
#4: Stay Grounded
While not delving deeply into practical applications, Devine gently emphasizes the importance of staying grounded and aware. This serves as an anchor for those navigating the turbulent emotions associated with mourning.
This comprehensive work encourages individuals in mourning to embrace their pain, advocating for full engagement with their suffering and the physical need for comfort. Whether through self-care, mindfulness practices, or finding solace in artistic endeavors, Devine suggests that navigating the landscape of sorrow can be achieved with grace, patience, and self-compassion.
The Importance of Grief Support
Navigating the challenging path of grief is essential, and doing so with a supportive community is vital. It’s important to maintain connections with people who genuinely acknowledge and respect your sorrow. Throughout the mourning process, love remains a constant companion, persisting even in the physical absence of a cherished individual. Adopting a compassionate stance is crucial not only for our own well-being but also for those around us.
Find a Truly Supportive Group That “Gets It”
Devine underscores the necessity for individuals in mourning to seek out a compassionate community that truly acknowledges and resonates with their personal journey through grief. She emphasizes the importance of having people in your life who recognize and validate your pain without attempting to diminish or solve it. In such settings, a culture of compassion thrives, fostering an atmosphere where stories of grief are approached with the respect they merit, ensuring that mourning is an experience shared, not endured alone. Participating in these nurturing communities can significantly alter an individual’s path, offering comfort in moments that often feel solitary and insurmountable.
Despite their good intentions, the support that loved ones can offer is limited. It is crucial to offer support by providing a listening ear, without trying to diminish or solve the weight of their sorrow. True support doesn’t rush to clean up the mess of emotions but instead makes space for the pain to be felt and expressed. Devine stresses the significance of recognizing an individual’s grief and providing comfort without trying to fix the irremediable.
Hold on to Love
The enduring nature of love continues to fuel the grieving process, even when physical presence is no longer possible. It serves as a bridge connecting our past to our present and future experiences, helping us navigate the grief that comes with loss. A core idea of the book is that, while the sharp pain of grief may lessen as time passes, the love that resides within a broken heart endures.
Suggested methods for dealing with grief include cultivating an attitude of self-compassion and offering yourself understanding. Devine advocates for continuing our journey through life, cherishing the memory of those we’ve lost, instead of suppressing our grief. She underscores the importance of embracing your own sorrow, fostering self-compassion, and extending that compassion to others, suggesting that such love is a crucial element that helps the bereaved find hope and forge new paths in life following a loss. Affection serves as the cornerstone and force that empowers people to endure and weave their sorrow into stories of lasting bonds.
