Want to know how to teach values to your child? Why is instructive discipline more effective than punitive discipline?
Rather than punishing a child for doing something wrong, the authors of The Connected Child suggest using misbehavior as a chance to instill values in children. Shifting from punitive to instructive discipline allows parents to show compassion even in moments of frustration.
Here’s how to teach values using instructive discipline.
Teaching Vital Life Skills and Implementing Effective Discipline
In their book The Connected Child, Purvis, Cross, and Sunshine explore a transformative disciplinary approach that focuses on how to teach values and life skills rather than merely punishing misbehavior.
Shifting From Punitive to Instructive Discipline
One of the key ideas the authors present is shifting from punitive to instructive discipline approaches. They encourage adoptive parents to view misbehavior as an opportunity for education and growth. Instead of simply punishing a child for acting out, they recommend using techniques such as corrective repetitions, providing options, and employing a resolute tone to steer children toward improved conduct.
For instance, if a child throws a tantrum because they were denied a cookie before dinner, a parent might gently clarify that although experiencing frustration is acceptable, elevating one’s tone does not effectively communicate those feelings.
The authors emphasize that discipline should not overshadow nurturing; compassion should guide parents, especially during moments of frustration or helplessness. They advise parents to always show deep appreciation and support to boost the self-esteem of their child. Supporting the child includes creating opportunities for multiple attempts and joint problem-solving efforts.
(Shortform Note: Asserting that relationships should be emphasized over tangible incentives might not recognize the value of a balanced approach, including rewards, to motivate and reinforce positive behavior in certain developmental stages or situations.)
It’s important to avoid misinterpreting a child’s challenging behaviors as a direct attack, as this can initiate a harmful loop that solidifies the child’s feelings of being rejected and unworthy. Instead, Purvis, Cross, and Sunshine recommend that parents calmly but firmly stop unsuitable behaviors, uncover their underlying reasons, and steer the child toward achieving their objectives in a suitable manner, while also praising the child for their attempts.
(Shortform Note: The recommendation to shift from punitive to instructive discipline approaches might oversimplify complex behavioral issues, neglecting situations where firmer boundaries or consequences are necessary for safety.)
Explicitly Teaching Fundamental Values and Social Competencies
Another crucial aspect the authors emphasize is the necessity of imparting essential social competencies and core life principles. They suggest using scripted dialogues and dramatized performances, in addition to puppet shows and role-playing exercises, to model and practice the desired behaviors. Recognizing even small accomplishments and the importance of progress is key.
(Shortform Note: The advocacy for non-traditional educational methods like puppet shows and role-playing might not resonate with all educational philosophies or be practical in every learning environment, potentially limiting their applicability.)
For example, if a child demonstrates hesitation to share their toys, a parent could gently inquire, “Are we practicing generosity with our friends at the moment?” to encourage the child to rethink their behavior. The authors recommend using short, easy-to-remember phrases to help children understand and remember better, such as “Kind hands, kind words.”
When a child displays challenging behavior, it is seen as a chance to teach them about respect instead of immediately resorting to punishment. For instance, if a child takes a toy from another, a parent might ask, “Did you respect your friend when you took the toy without asking?” This approach educates children on the consequences of their actions and the importance of making considered decisions.
A Teaching Method for Discipline
In summary, Purvis, Cross, and Sunshine emphasize a teaching method for discipline that concentrates on instilling appropriate values and encouraging acceptable social behavior in young ones. The approach emphasizes guiding children to comprehend their misbehavior and helping them learn from it, rather than simply punishing them. By focusing on education, empathy, and positive reinforcement, parents can help their children develop crucial life skills and values that will serve them well throughout their lives.
