How do you get out of a tense situation? What are some ways to resolve issues rather than make them worse?
Law enforcement trainer George Thompson argues that, in a high-pressure situation, it’s most effective to act as if you’re practicing judo. In other words, use the other person’s energy to gently move them in the direction you want them to go.
Keep reading to learn Thompson’s verbal de-escalation strategies to handle conflicts in your day-to-day life.
Strategy #1: Read the Other Person
Thompson derives his verbal de-escalation strategies from judo. In the same way that a judo practitioner responds to a physical attack with an awareness of their opponent’s intentions, you can respond to a verbal confrontation by reading the other person and figuring out who they are and what they need from the encounter. In other words, you can use empathy to better understand other people and more easily resolve conflicts. To do this, Thompson writes that it’s helpful to learn to recognize what kind of person you’re dealing with. He contends that people fall into one of three categories:
First are people who tend to cooperate and like to avoid confrontation. Thompson explains that you probably won’t have to use your skills in Verbal Judo when you encounter this sort of person. But he points out that the fact that someone cooperates with you doesn’t mean you should neglect to treat them thoughtfully or respectfully.
Second are people who resist authority. They might push back on your requests, and Thompson explains that they tend to ask “why?” He explains that you should always give a genuine answer to this question: Answering “why” a particular course of action is best gives you a chance to explain how the solution you’re proposing will help the other person. That makes them more likely to decide to cooperate with you.
Third are people who present themselves as cooperative but really resent authority. Thompson explains that this person will often speak courteously in the moment and only later complain about you or try to seek revenge. It’s hard to know when someone falls into this category because they aren’t honest about their feelings. But once you’ve recognized that someone is this kind of person, Thompson recommends being direct with them and allowing them to either voice their complaints or decline to do so.
Thompson explains that, once you determine what kind of person you’re dealing with, you’ll know how to handle the conversation. With people who tend to cooperate, all you need to do is propose a good solution, and they’ll likely be happy to go along with you. With people who resist authority, you should focus on explaining what they’ll gain by cooperating—or what they’ll lose by refusing—to get them on board. And with people who act cooperative but feel resentful, you should ask them for their opinion: If they have something useful to contribute, they will—and otherwise they’ll just cooperate. The goal is to interact with each type of person effectively but respectfully, using what you know about their personality.
Strategy #2: Figure Out What’s Happening
Another important Verbal Judo method is to take the time to analyze the situation—whether it’s a confrontation with a customer, an accusation from a friend, or an argument with your partner—in much the same way that you worked to understand the person you’re dealing with. You want to reach a resolution that satisfies everyone, and you can’t do that until you understand the issue. Thompson advises following four steps to assess what’s going on:
1. Step Outside of Your Point of View
The first step in determining what’s happening is to consider the situation from your point of view and the other person’s point of view. Thompson explains that there’s the problem as you see it and the problem as the other person sees it, and you have to consider both when trying to identify a solution that will satisfy everyone. This may require you to exercise your skills in impartiality.
For example, imagine you’re arguing with your partner over your finances. If they accuse you of overspending, you could respond by accusing them of being too stingy or of dismissing your needs—or you could think about how purchases that you consider necessary might not seem as urgent to them. You’re each looking at a different problem, and your joint task is figuring out how to solve both.
2. Consider the Other Person’s History
The second step in assessing the situation is to think about how the other person has ideas and a history that differ from yours. By pinpointing these differences, you can remind yourself that the other person isn’t misinterpreting the facts: They simply don’t approach the situation from the same place that you do.
For example, in the argument with your partner about your budget, it might help you to remind yourself that your partner grew up with a very different socioeconomic background than you did. Remembering what it was like for their family to have less money while growing up might make them more cautious with their spending now. Conversely, your family’s more comfortable economic bracket probably contributes to your confidence in your savings and your comfort with spending more.
3. Determine What’s in Your Way
The third step in figuring out what’s going on in a tense situation is identifying the obstacles blocking your path to a resolution. The other person might have beliefs or personality traits that keep them from agreeing to your ideas about solving the problem. Or they might be feeling strong emotions that will affect their decisions. Thompson writes that you can either find a way to step around these obstacles or directly address them. For example, you might learn that your partner feels that if you skip setting money aside for savings for a month, then you’ll never catch up. Once you understand this belief, you can address it, perhaps by sharing your plan to contribute extra to your savings account when you get your bonus next month.
4. Show That You Care About the Other Person
The fourth step in ensuring you know what’s happening is demonstrating that you understand the other person and that you’re concerned about them and their well-being. Thompson explains that you should make it clear that you want to solve the problem in a way that’s agreeable to both of you.
For example, you can explain to your partner that you want a budget you’re both comfortable with. You might apologize for not checking in with them about your planned purchase. And you might promise that next time, you’ll have a conversation to ensure you’re on the same page—and you’ll take the time to make the decision together if you’re not.
Strategy #3: Leave Your Ego Out of It
After you’ve figured out what kind of person you’re dealing with and determined exactly what’s happening, another Verbal Judo method is to approach conflicts as if they’re impersonal, even when they feel very personal. Thompson explains that people can become antagonistic under stress. They might blame you, even if you didn’t do anything wrong. But Thompson argues that it’s not productive to let your feelings get hurt: It’s more important to demonstrate that you understand the needs the other person is expressing (even if they aren’t doing so in words) than to protect your ego.
Drawing on your ability to enter the mushin state of mind, you can stay calm even when emotions run high. Thompson recommends using two strategies to stay focused on solving the problem rather than protecting your ego:
1. Acknowledge But Don’t Address Insults
First, Thompson explains that you can make someone feel heard without engaging with personal attacks or insults. For example, if a customer yells at you and says that you and the company you work with are stupid, there’s no need to refute those claims. Instead, you can just make it clear that you’ve heard the complaint and then move toward a resolution with a statement like, “I hear you, and I have an idea about how we can get this resolved for you.”
2. Mirror Their Feelings Back to Them
Second, you can interrupt someone to state what you’ve heard back to them, using the interruption to keep the conversation from spinning out of control and show that you’re trying to understand how the other person sees things. For example, you could say to a friend who’s upset, “Hang on, I want to make sure I’ve got this straight. You’re feeling like I don’t appreciate you because you’ve had to plan our recent get-togethers, right?” Even though you feel that you do appreciate your friend—and you might be tempted to remind them of all of the ways you’ve shown your appreciation—putting what they’ve expressed into your own words shows them that you understand how they’re feeling.
Strategy #4: Listen Actively and Openly
The next Verbal Judo method is to put as much effort into your listening as you do into your talking. Thompson advises using a technique called active listening. This kind of listening involves not only listening purposefully to the other person, but staying open to what they have to say and communicating (verbally and non-verbally) that you’re understanding.
Thompson offers a few practical methods you can use to practice active listening:
1. Ask Them to Explain
Going into a tense conversation, you might have some context to work with. But, when you need to know how someone is thinking or feeling, ask them! Thompson explains that active listening can involve asking open-ended questions about what’s happening, what their opinions are, and how they’d like the problem to be solved. As you listen, try to do so without jumping to conclusions or being influenced by preconceived notions.
2. Ask Whether You’re Understanding Correctly
Active listening doesn’t require intuiting what the other person means: When you state a person’s complaint back to them, you can also ask if you’re understanding correctly. This question gives you a practical way to ensure you know what’s happening. And it clearly shows the other person that you’re trying to understand them. This can help them dial things back: They’ll still be frustrated or angry, but they’ll be more likely to cooperate with you to resolve the argument or problem.
3. Make It Obvious That You’re Listening
Another crucial part of active listening is letting the other person know you’re really hearing them. Thompson argues that appearing to listen closely might be even more important than actually listening closely in de-escalating a tense situation. He recommends using your body language—like making direct eye contact or nodding your head—to show that you’re listening. Or use phrases—like “I understand,” “That makes sense,” or “I see”—to communicate that you’re paying attention to what they’re saying.
Strategy #5: Be Persuasive Without Being Condescending
The final method for practicing Verbal Judo in your daily life is to pay close attention to the language you use. Thompson explains that even when it’s your job as a professional (or as a parent) to get someone to cooperate with you, you can do that without using language that feels condescending to others.
Thompson points out that most people don’t respond positively to being told what to do. So, in many cases, just issuing instructions won’t yield the results you want. If instead, you respect the other person’s agency and acknowledge that their cooperation with you is a choice, you’re more likely to get them to go along with what you’d like them to do. Thompson has a five-step method for persuading someone to cooperate:
- The first step is to request that they do what you’d like them to do. By clearly articulating what you want to happen, you’re explaining your goal.
- The second step is to explain the rationale for your request if the person hesitates to cooperate with you. Explaining “why” you’re asking them to do something makes it easier for the other person to understand the rules or reasoning.
- The third step—if they still haven’t been persuaded—is to explain what will happen if they cooperate with you or if they don’t. This acknowledges that they’re making a choice and gives them the information they need to make it.
- The fourth step—if the other person still doesn’t want to cooperate—is to ask whether there’s anything you can do to get them to cooperate. You’re addressing the fact that they aren’t going along with you, and giving them a chance to choose.
- The fifth step, if the other person still declines to go along with the solution you’ve proposed, is to follow through and respond to their lack of cooperation in the way you said you would.
For example, imagine you need to ask your roommate to clean up the dishes they left in the kitchen sink. You could start by asking, “Hey, could you please wash the dishes?” (Step 1). If they hesitate, you could explain, “I’ve left dishes in the sink before, and it attracts cockroaches” (Step 2). If they still wave you off, you could say, “If we clean the kitchen when it needs to be cleaned, it’ll be healthier and easier for all of us. If not, we’ll need to create a cleaning schedule” (Step 3). If they still just say they’ll do the dishes later, you can ask, “Is there something I could do that might make tidying up easier for you?” (Step 4). If there’s still no action, follow through: “Let’s make that cleaning schedule, then” (Step 5).
