How can you spot a self-sabotaging behavior? Why is it so hard to escape these behaviors?
Erroneous zones are similar to self-sabotaging practices, as they paralyze you and keep you from living a fulfilling life. In the book Your Erroneous Zones, Wayne W. Dyer discusses different behaviors that are hard to break.
Read below for a list of self-sabotaging behaviors.
Behavior #1: Relying on Other People’s Approval or Permission
Starting off the list of self-sabotaging behaviors is relying on other people’s approval or permission. Dyer explains that there’s nothing wrong with asking for other people’s input, but it becomes detrimental when you trust their opinions more than your own and can’t act without someone else’s go-signal. By behaving in this way, you give more value to what others want or believe than what you want or believe.
According to Dyer, we’re trained to need other people’s approval and permission from an early age: At home, well-meaning parents may solve problems for us because they don’t like to see us struggle; thus, we grow up conditioned to ask for their input or consent before doing anything. For example, when deciding on a career path, you might choose something that your parents think is practical (such as engineering) instead of pursuing something they deem impractical even though you’re passionate about it (such as art).
Other institutions likewise condition us to seek approval, says Dyer. At school, we’re given high marks for following the rules; in church, we’re expected to adhere to norms and traditions. When we behave in ways other than what’s expected of us, we’re called disruptive or self-absorbed. Thus, we learn to stay within the bounds of what’s “appropriate” so we don’t upset others, even if it runs counter to what we want or believe. This stays with us as we grow up.
For example, you might not want to chip in for a birthday gift to a coworker you’re not close to, but you contribute anyway because your coworkers might think you’re selfish if you don’t. Or you might keep going to church service every Sunday just to please your religious mother even though you no longer believe.
Dyer says you rely on other people’s approval or permission because it’s the path of least resistance—it’s easier to go along with something you don’t want than it is to fight for what you do want. In the earlier examples, becoming an engineer might be easier than dealing with your parents’ disappointment if you choose to become an artist; spending money on someone you don’t care about or spending an hour in church seems easier than saying “no” and ruffling people’s feathers.
Behavior #2: Playing It Safe
The second common erroneous zone is playing it safe. Dyer writes that one way you play it safe is by sticking to what’s familiar. You value security over spontaneity, preferring a well-worn path over something new or unusual. You refuse to take risks that lead to unpredictable results because you’re afraid of having to figure things out or hearing what other people might say if you don’t succeed.
For example, you might get a job that earns you enough money to buy a house because that’s what’s expected of you, do things you’re good at instead of trying something new because you’re afraid to fail, and hang out only with people who are similar to you because they won’t challenge your views. Living in this way takes any excitement out of life and keeps you from difficult situations that challenge you and help you grow.
Another way you play it safe, says Dyer, is by being a prisoner of protocol. You adhere to “shoulds” and “musts” dictated by society because you don’t want to rock the boat, even if those rules and expectations don’t make sense and stifle your freedom, growth, and happiness. For example, you agree to be a bridesmaid because you think it would be rude to say no—even if saying yes would strain your finances and add to your stress.
Dyer contends that rules are dictated by outside sources, which means you’re ceding control over your choices to an external force. While he says that laws are necessary to impose order, some rules are nonsensical, and you should trust your judgment to determine which rules are sensible and worth following. For instance, you might question why a woman “should” wait for a man to make the first move.
Behavior #3: Being Unable to Stay in the Present
The next erroneous zone is being unable to stay in the present and instead being trapped in the past or overwhelmed with worries about the future.
Dyer argues that you trap yourself in the past by holding onto self-limiting beliefs and memories that don’t serve you. You may have self-imposed labels (for example, you’re scatterbrained) or believe you are bad at doing some things (like math or art) because these were the messages you heard as a child. Dyer says these labels end up being self-fulfilling prophecies that prevent growth and present-moment happiness—they keep you from new experiences and opportunities that can help you overcome those labels.
Aside from holding onto self-limiting beliefs, you may be locked in the past because you carry guilt, says Dyer. You may feel like you must do penance for things you’ve done. But Dyer asserts that guilt is useless because no amount of it can change what’s already happened. While he says self-reflection and learning from the past are important, wallowing in guilt is destructive because you allow your past to dictate your present, derailing your fulfillment and happiness.
While guilt leaves you stuck in the past, writes Dyer, worry casts your gaze forward, paralyzing you with fear about the future. Although Dyer says that planning for the future is a constructive and practical use of the present, thinking too much about it can make you overly anxious about events that may never happen. He points out that most worries revolve around things that are out of your control, leading to unnecessary stress, wasting your emotional and mental energy, and robbing you of the opportunity to find joy in what’s happening right now.
Behavior #4: Procrastination
Another erroneous zone is procrastination, or intentionally delaying something you’re supposed to do. Dyer contends that procrastination in itself isn’t harmful—it only becomes an erroneous zone when it leads to feelings of distress. He adds that among all the erroneous zones, procrastination is the most common; most of us put things off even when we know that doing so isn’t good for us. More than just avoiding tedious tasks such as, say, doing your taxes, procrastination can manifest in more impactful ways.
For example, you might procrastinate on living a healthier lifestyle (“I’ll start on Monday”) or getting out of an unhealthy relationship.
Dyer says the reason you succumb to procrastination is that it absolves you of responsibility to venture into unfamiliar territory and take action. It also allows you to fantasize that things will sort themselves out—for example, you might stay in an unhealthy relationship because you tell yourself it will get better once your partner realizes they need to change.
Erroneous Zone #5: Seeking Fairness
The next erroneous zone is seeking fairness. Dyer says that seeing something as unfair comes from comparison: You think you’re getting less or more than what others are getting and feel the need to even it out. He contends that it’s commendable to work toward fairness, but it becomes self-defeating when it makes you feel negative emotions like rage, apprehension, and bitterness—these all get in the way of your happiness. For example, you might be miserable at work because you think it’s unfair that your coworker gets the same pay as you despite working fewer hours. Or you might be exhausted trying to repay every favor friends do for you.
Dyer argues that people hold onto this erroneous zone because it gives them an excuse to seek revenge to right an injustice, even if it means doing something wrong. For example, you might be upset that your partner dumped you for someone else, so you seek “fairness” by spreading private messages between the two of you without their consent—you justify your bad behavior with their bad behavior.
Behavior #6: Anger
The final erroneous zone is anger. According to Dyer, you get angry when things don’t go your way, whether it’s because people don’t behave as you’d like them to (for example, your spouse doesn’t do their share of the housework) or you’re faced with a frustrating situation (such as losing your luggage). You may show your anger by lashing out, being sarcastic, or giving others the silent treatment. Dyer says that anger isn’t conducive to communication, and it erodes relationships, yet you may still hold onto it because it enables you to instill fear in others and get them to do what you want to do.
As with other erroneous zones, you might use anger as the easy path, writes Dyer: Instead of doing the hard work of keeping your anger in check, you might tell yourself that being angry is a normal and valid human reaction. While Dyer accepts that letting off steam might be healthier than bottling up your rage, he argues that anger isn’t natural. To him, the best option is to not be angry at all.
